ROP, I believe that you have every right to be in your own home. You also have every right to be with your children. When there is a seperation, they are going to hurt either way. Why are they better off with her? I know that this issue has troubled me to no end. I now have full faith in myself and the in the fact that the should and will end up with me if she pushes for seperation or divorce. I have stated this as fact to her in our last discussion (thats the nice way to put it). I also told her that I was not going to protect her and keep her affair a secret anymore. I have seen subtle changes in her. Gonna see where we go from here. Once I gave myself that strength and told myself I will do what is best for me and the kids, I felt totally different towards her. No longer friends as long as she maintains this relationship. Like I no longer give a damn about her anymore. Again, I see subtle changes since then.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
hopeful4her, it is good for you you reached such a determination. Right now I am very confused, I don't have clear what is right and what is wrong, specially for the kids. This evening I went there to tell them good night, read them a story and ask them about their day. After that I was ready to leave, but my wife asked me to stay, she offered my some dinner and a glass of wine ad we friendly chatted for a bit, I was almost going to give a 4 to this day. Than - I don't know from where, but I guess I brought that up, we started talking about OM.... and she said: speaking of witch, when are you going to have the kids sleep over at your place? The intentions where clear.... so she could stay with OM overnight... I said WHAAAAAAT!! I am not going to help you with that! She was very puzzeld, she was asking why? She said that because I don't care about her anymore (this is what I told her) I shouldn't care where she sleeps - and that she has the right to have a night off once a month while I have all the nights I want. I said she can have all the nights she wants, just I am not going to back her up with that! We started fighting and so instead of a 4 I gave the day a clear 2.
Thinking of her having sex with somebody else makes me sick, in a very physical way, I could vomit. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for this. Right now I don't think so, I don't know how people can do it. To me right now she looks like "dirty"... I don't know, is it normal?
This morning I woke up like I am in hell, I cannot stop thinking my wife "doing stuff" (like she defined it) with OM - it is like a punch in the stomac - I feel badly like calling her - but I know I have to be strong and don't do it. Yesterday she also told me that she is going to put a lot of effort with this guy, that she learned from our failure and now she is ready to put all the work in the relation from the very biginning - why not doing all this with me? - because it is too late and with him she is going to have a fresh start, and that is what she needs... a fresh start. If somebody stabbed me in the heart I would have hurted less. Right now I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel - she seems very decisive - she said also that for her is very hard to le me go, that she doesn't show it but she is "goinig through something" - she misses to be married but she knows she doesn't want with me - she doesn't whant to stay alone - and she is going to try with this guy that she "likes a lot" I don't know what to think or what to do. Today I am totally lost - The family therapist I am seeing who advised me to read DR said that the kids "are counting" on my cool head - to stay on trak - but now I don't see any trak to stay on. I am kind of deperate.
Is this something I have to go through? Let her "try" with this guy and see how is going to be? I never thought in my life I would have to go through something like this
I have told myself that I cannot fix my WW or make her mind for her. If that is what she wants, the so be it. Nothing I can do. As long as she knows that she is ending our friendship because of her decision. I read another thread somewhere that he continued a close relationship and friendship with WW and she tried it out and it ended and they are now back together. Two different schools of thought. Which one works better depends on your particular sitch's and personalities, I guess. I have gone through the whole gamut of emotions and have conluded that I cannot control what she does. WW will do what she wants. I can only control myself and do for myself and my kids.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Thank ypu Qwill, you are right, this evening when I saw her she was very cold, I apologized for snapping yesterday night, and I asked to be patient. I said that she has all the right to try to move on, but although I'm fine with the split (big lie here), for me is too early to be the one that "helps her" to find the time to see OM. She can ask for this kind of help to somebody else. Maybe one day I am going to help her with this, but not now. She didn't replay, but I think she wanted to, anyway she thanked me for the apology and she stopped being cold. We chatted a bit and then I said I was busy (it was actually true)and I left. Vote for the day:3
Well, a 3 is better than a 2! I feel for you. My wife actually said goodnight (she is in a different bedroom) - that was one of my short term DB goals... If you haven't done all the exercises in the book, I would recommend. I have read three times now, finally have a plan on paper.
Sounds like there are a lot of us in the Bay Area!
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I wish I knew what are my chances to get my family back. For now the situation is very bleak. I'll continue to post what I think is working and what doesn't - we will see how long is going to take for me to win her back or to just give up.
CBK - thank you, I see you live in Northren CA, like me. My family therapist toldme this area has the highest number of divorces in the world! We moved here just a bit more then a year ago! It can't be the weather.....
