That's great advice and something I struggle with. For instance, he spoke with the kids this morning, as D6 got off she asked, "Do you want to speak with Mom?" and then she hung up the phone telling me Dad had to get to work, he said hi and he'd call me later. Of course, my ego was hurt because it would have taken him 10 seconds to tell me that in person. But then I just turn on the computer and there's a short email from him just telling me the motorcycle ride was a cold one this morning and a couple of other things. THAT'S what I should be focused on. Thanks MM.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Generally speaking, let all that roll off of you. You've had several very positive interactions lately in my opinion...focus on that, don't focus on that little stuff. Often, we notice everything, I don't think our spouses our thinking like we are looking. In other words, don't dwell on it. It's not a big deal.
Here's some simple examples from me lately 1) Picked up 5D Sunday - W asked if I wanted take the dog out. I said sure...so she turns for the leech and pushes the door to. Well, I was awful close and it could've felt like getting it slammed in my face. That wasn't the intent...water off a duck back. 2) Last night talking to W about 5D trip - W says that'll be good you can bring her by "my house" blah blah...the "my" stuck out to me. Let it go...it's nothing...I guess a mini-positive for me is that later she said bring her to "the house" - slight difference... 3) This morning I called and 5D answers - it felt at first that W was just avoiding the call...that could bother me. I just don't let it. Ask 5D to speak with W, and have a short but very friendly conversation.
Like I said, I just don't think they are looking at everything...so don't sweat the smallest of things. Something I learned a long time ago, sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It could be their day or whatever. Almost arrogant to think everything they do is because of our "presence".
just thoughts...2 cents...hope it's not a waste of your thread space...
No, not a waste. That's exactly how I should be thinking. We, those working on saving our marriages, tend to put everything under a microscope. Life shouldn't be lived like that, right?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
exactly, we learn to notice everything. We tend to at least at points during all this "record" in our minds whatever interaction, conversation, etc in extreme detail...at some point, at least for me the recorder is semi-broke. As an example, I had a great visit picking-up 5D the other day and forgot what I said when I had hand on column. I just remember how confident I was at the moment. Doesn't change the value of it. Maybe, that's some sort of detaching. I don't know. I do know I feel great, positive, and great deal of confidence.
Having said all that, I think what we should focus on is every interaction being positive, friendly, enjoyable, etc...and notice distinctly different behaviors, things, what is working, etc... Not every speck of every interaction/conversation...
like the comment I told someone this morning...my W is getting more and more friendly each conversation, visit, etc. The cumulative effect...that's what I want to focus on. Not the "my house" thing.
That it detaching and it feels great, doesn't it? It's weird that the opposite of what we actually want is what makes us more at ease. The cumulative effect, what a great term. Hits it right on the head!
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Often, we notice everything, I don't think our spouses our thinking like we are looking.
That is SO well put, and is exactly the truth. This is #1 or #2 on OUR priority list, and about #10 on theirs. So, naturally we are paying a lot more attention.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
cw68 - my solution buddy is away for awhile...if you could chime in on what happened with my W and I last night I would appreciate it. It's in my current - Dedicated thread - here's link I know it's long and if you don't have time I understand...
BTW, thank you all for the kind words about my posts yesterday...it took forever to write...I hope it was meaningful to everyone.
jmw, I'll take a look at it. My son might keep me from posting right away, but I'll see if his make-believe baseball game entertains him long enough.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Thanks cw68, just what I wanted to hear...I didn't expect a novel in return. Simple DB prospective - good or bad, etc...and that's what you gave me...thank you very very much...
that microscope thing is really working for all of us who read this page...I honestly don't remember everything and what I do remember I did not let it effect the night. Detaching better and better I guess...just let it roll off.
