okay my corners might be something like this... there are two corners "on the ground"
let's see...
faith and self-esteem
and two "in the sky"
friendship and ugh... for lack of a better word... "romance"???
okay, so we got FAITH ~ SELF-ESTEEM ~ FRIENDSHIP ~ ROMANCE
okay
so for faith...
I'd like our R to be based on faith that god loves us and wants only the very best for us... the very first sign I notice that this is happening is when I'm able to give my distress to the Big Guy and say "Here, You fix it... (please)." The very first sign that my H is letting go and letting god will be... um.... have to think about that.
and now for self-esteem...
I KNOW I'm working on mine. It's a lot of work too!
for Friendship...
okay, I'd like to be able to be upset and not have Mat take it like he has to fix it, or that he's responsible for it. This tends to send him into a spiral and so I have to then "take care" of him. I'm not able to be weak. I know a lot of that's me, but some of it's Mat's too.
now... for "romance"....
that's another thread entirely...
lostlove, kip??? thanks for stopping by i'll be wi'ch'all if i keep moving this way...
Please send any WAS's you know to this thread... I'm interested in meeting all of them/er... you...
Quote: i was trying to assemble sort of a mental list of who the was's were
understandable, but of course each sit is different...some lbs are blown away...thought everything was great and whammo...they would never consider themselves to ever stand in the was shoes...I myself didn't leave...but sure thought of it often...
there were a few was here at one time but I think they got run off...(couldn't deal with real questions seemed to just be looking for validation in leaving)
I think it may be a scary thing for the lbs to realize that they were unhappy in the m too...then that may say the was was (that's funny isn't it) right in leaving..that the m really wasn't a good one or never really was and it's a good thing it's over...when in fact realizing that they weren't fully happy either shows room for growth both personal and in the r (if that opportunity arises)
I'm rambling now...
perhaps we could ask everyone what makes them stay married..or what drives them to work on the m...or what drives them to want to db in hopes that their spouse will return...love being one reason but obviously just one piece to the puzzle.
i remember my first post and it FELT like there were HUNDRED's of women on here who left and were later sorry about it.. i know savedwoman and calystra, and you, and knowledgeispower, and a few others
i mean, that's the whole reason i'm here to commune with ppl in my sitch and to get what i can from ppl on the other side you know?
the one thing you may find in common with most of the waw's who are here is that though at one point they walken in the shoes of a was...they eventually were the lbs and that is what led them here...
the waw's who (most anyway) who are so fully into the waw mindset do not come here and when they do...are soon chased away when asked the real questions they choose not to answer...they would not be looking for corners...they do not want to do the work...they are caught up in the emotional or non-rational side of things and think any other way is simply sad...
take the ow in my sit for example...she was headed toward waw when I first spoke to her...as time went on and the further into her fantasy world of emotions she got her talk changed...when she decided to become a waw (not a term she'd have any knowledge of as I never did give her dr) and I spoke to her about what m was really about her response was "that's sad" yes to a waw it would appear sad that m is about such things as companionship, family, health, financial well being, love, friendship etc and not just some tickle in your damn tummy when you hear the others voice...
but I digress...
sure I want those things too...but it's going to be a long road and for now I have to settle for working toward a friendship (I'm really enjoying learning how to make h laugh when it doesn't ivolve anything about the children) the family (I'm enjoying sitting back and letting h form a r with his son (and dd) that is all his own, the kids wont break if daddy does it his way)
it's a journey and though I'm terrified and often wonder if it would be better with someone else...as time goes by I am given more and more examples that it's pretty damn good here so why wonder "what if"
Quote: the waw's who (most anyway) who are so fully into the waw mindset do not come here and when they do...are soon chased away when asked the real questions they choose not to answer...they would not be looking for corners...they do not want to do the work...they are caught up in the emotional or non-rational side of things and think any other way is simply sad...
I'm constantly wondering about this aspect of the WAW (WAS?) - I've read a fair bit about how the LBS goes through these certain phases to eventually come out at detachment and acceptance. What about the WAW - do most ever 'wake up' from the pain and fog as see the marriage as something that could have been fixed if two people were committed to making it work? Do many come around to seeing it actually took two people to end up in a mess like this? Is there any predictible or common stages most WAWs go through? My W said many of the things I've heard of WAWs here 'Love you not *in* love with you', 'so tired of trying - it'll never work', 'you were never there for me', etc. Added to that she can hardly talk to me about out sitch. But lately there's been an ever-so-slight thawing and she's mentioned things like not knowing where to begin to work on 'us' - which is new and shows me that at least some thought has gone into working on the R. I can't help but think W will wake up someday and realize this wasn't and irreparable situation - is that something that happens often? It just seems, at least with my sitch, that after almost 7 months some of the sting and resentment is fading slightly and I can see a change in W - I'm wondering what it is. Oddly enough we've been married about 7 1/2 yrs - there's that 1 month/year of marriage for things to start to work thing I've read about here before. Anyway, not trying to highjack your thread Char - some of the comments just inspired these questions in me.
Its also strange that alot of problems start around the 7 year mark.But yes after a while they start to see that the grass isn't so green,at least some of them do.How we play the game after that is what makes or breaks the one left behind.
Char, I forgot the question??? Me I'm a classic WAW and I couldn't believe my H's reaction to my leaving. Mat needs to be strong for both of you. Its awful to see these men hurting. My H actually thought I did some things on purpose to make him hurt!!!! No I just wanted to quit hurting myself. Charcoal you are on the right track..... read Hackers latest post in separated....amazing. Jim: I remember thinking the same thing as your wife...only my H got tired of waiting....oh well. Glad she's starting to thaw/heal. KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
i'll be wi'ch'all if i keep moving this way...