I saw your subject line and couldn't help, but see if there was anything i could offer you by way of advice... I read thought your thread and the one thing i never really saw is where you say why she may have started this... Do you know? have you asked? did you guys talk about it with the C?
I know for me, my internet friendship (which is exactly how it started) gave me someone to talk to. Someone that understood me and seemed to care what I was saying. Someone that gave me simple compliments... When it went from a friendship to an EA, i can't exactly say, i think it was gradually and i didn't even realize it at first. But it did. I held nothing back from him. He made me feel good. He made me feel loved and desired and adored. He sent me flowers once, a card here and there. It wasn't the things, but it was that he cared enough to go out of his way for me.
I can honestly say, that if my H had done have of what OM had been doing, I never would have needed to start talking to him. I felt that I needed him.
Now i know all sitchs are different. I'm not sure how your R was before this all started. I know mine was miserable, but at the root of all this, she was missing something. Not saying that it's was your fault. As Sandi said above, he self esteem issues may stem from long before you, but she felt she needed that attention. Once you have it, it is terrbily addicting.
A thought on her being more secretive... do you think she could be testing you? She knows you got into her old email... do you think she could be trying to see if you'd do it again. If you are really trying to trust her or if you are ust saying that until she does something that you deem suspicious. I know the thought has crossed my mind. I haven't done that, but i've wanted to. I know my H doesn't trust me, so I have nothing to test...
A thought on her sensual internet pics... Are they really sensual or is that your interpretation of them? Not that i think any grown woman needs to have pictures of herself on a website and other guys calling her sexy, but i was just wondering. We have a rule on our myspace site that the only pictures of us will include our family or friends. Me and the kids or him and some of his bussies. Nothing of just me posing for the camera.
For me, i know that right after the OEA ended, i was (had been for a while) dressing nicer and wearing different clothes because i wanted/needed that reaction from men. In my mind, my H will tell me i'm sexy because he has to. Whether he believes it or not, i don't know. If a stranger tells me that or flirts with me, then i know it because they have no reason to lie, they could just as easily ignore me... She really needs some counseling to deal with her low self esteem. It hurts and she needs to figure out what has caused it. Mine stems from childhood, so it could be really deep.
Your goals for the next week are good. Make sure that you are doing something for you as well. Maybe something different from how you normally spend your time. Maybe something you used to do when you were dating or first got M. Something fun...
** For what it's worth, I'm here. I had the OEA and I'm here fighting to keep my M alive. I have made a consious decision to love my H even though I don't really 'feel' it. I am trying to make changes and grow... so don't lose hope...
i hope that didn't come out wrong. I didn't want to come across negative or harsh, just give you another perspective. Sorry if i repeated anything Sandi said. I'm sure she's been an awesome resource for you! take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Is my W in MLC? She always dressed in calf length dresses. She was always very conservative. She was always very religious. Then suddenly about 15 months ago she lost some weight. She had her teeth bleached. She went for orthodontics. She threw away her calf length dresses and cotton underwear. She now only wears dresses Way above her knees or tight jeans and lacey thongs. She had her navel pierced. She started bellydanging. This whole transformation happened in a period of three months. She got an OA.
And she blamed me for not accepting her as a person, Which was completely untrue but was one of her reasons for wanting the D.
??
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
I know I have been neglecting my W for many years. I know now that I was a complete A&&hole. (I also know that I am not the only one to blame, but since I am now DBing and the past is the past it is not important)
I know that her being secretive is a test (that I mean to pass with flying colours), but I am also convinced now that she is secretive because she has renewed her friendship with the OM she had the OEA with. But as I said. I am working at detaching myself from all that. Thinking about it just wants me to commit murder! (He called her all kinds of pet names, and when I confronted him (last year November) he had the nerve to say it was all innocent friendship because there was no sex involved) So I am ... Calm... Detached... Breathing in deep... Imagining myself in a happy place... etc. I will not go down that cheeseless tunnel again! My W made the final decision to D me when (because?) I contacted the guy.
As far as the pics are concerned, with all due respect Ann, you are a female and would not know how males respond to certain images. Yes, as I said in my post I am probably overreacting. While she was still attached to the first guy and we were in C we had a big fight about a specific pic she posted on Myspace. So she asked her Myspace friends to comment on the pic. One woman replied and said there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Two guys responded, one said "Innocent yet soooo seductive" and the other one said something like "Very sexy!" A third guy stole the pic and posted it on his own profile with a few others under a heading, something like, "most sexy pics on the net". So even if the males validated my feelings about the pic, my w would just point to the woman who said there was nothing wrong.
What you and Sandi said about her self image is really serious. If I had contributed to her having a low self esteem I must really find out how and try to correct it. I believe I have always complemented her when I felt she looked beautiful, which was often because she really is a stunner. But I may have put her off in other ways. After I discovered her sexual OA I have been having these severe fits of rage, I would scream at her that she was a wh*re and an adulterer, and I think I really wanted to hurt her as she had hurt me. But she started posting those pics before all that. (I am really ashamed of my actions now, but I also have better insight now. I read that fits of rage are normal in post traumatic stress syndrome, which is what abandoned people suffer from. Of course that is no excuse, just as an unhappy M is no excuse for an A)
I think the most difficult part of DBing is self insight: It is easy to say I have to change and do 180's, but to gain the insight to know my own mistakes, faults and shortcomings so that I can know what to change... I hope the wisdom comes earlier rather than later!
Someone said, If wisdom only comes with old age, I should guard against it, for what would and old man want to do with it anyway?
I do not want to post a link to my W facebook account, because I do not want to compomise her privacy.
Thanx for posting
Kolle
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
of course you are not the only one to blame. There is NEVER an excuse for an A. That is completely on her. I was just kinda wondering if you knew what lead her there. Some men are here and feel like everything was just fine and then all of the sudden chaos... I was just wondering where you were on that.
It's is definitely possible that she is back in contact with OM. It is addicting. The compliments and praise. I remember thinking, "this man, who hardly knows me can see that I'm a good mom and a good person and my own H who claims to love me can't even bother to notice..." It's hard to get used to feeling appreciated by someone new and then stopping. Some can and some can't. I'm sure if you did snoop and found something, she would just get mad at you for snooping. I think you have the best plan of just trying to detach yourself from that.
I completely understand what you mean about the pictures. I deleted my myspace when i realized my H had a problem with it. I didn't even have pictures of myself on it. I personally don't think that a M woman should need pictures of herself (no matter how innocent) all over the internet. She shouldn't be advertising, but that's basically what it is. "Look at me, see how cute I am, don't u want me..." That's a self esteem issue. She needs that constant reassurance. I'll bet she goes on there and reads and rereads the comments the guys leave sometimes.
For me, i've had low self esteem since i was little. My sisters were always thinner and prettier. They were girlie, i was a tomboy. I didn't get the same kind of attention they did and it killed me. Alot of it was how my dad treated me, i think. Since then, my H has told me I'm pretty. I just don't see it. So for me, it's hard to believe. She needs to talk to someone about it, but I don't know how you'd bring that up to her at this point. It's probably a touchy subject.
My only advice right now, try to become the man she fell in love with originally. She fell in love with you once, there is no reason that can't happen again!
take care
ann
Take care.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
It sounds like you have made quite a 180 in yourself! I think your goals are very good. The only one I even took a few moments to think about was this one:
Quote:
I will casually(!) and HONESTLY compliment W 3 times a day
Now, I don't know her and you do........but just don't over-kill on the compliments. Yes, she wants them from strangers, but that many from you every day may come across as "smothering". I don't know, I'm just saying it might be a bit too much. We women are very complex and it make it hard for you men to know what to do.
That is the only thing I would be careful about in your goal setting is not to smother and try to still give her plenty of space. If I knew how to hack computers.....boy, would I be tempted!! (lol) So, I can imagine how hard that is for you.
Keep up the good work and keep coming back to talk to us.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W was always the black sheep in her family, and much of her life she was in rebellion against her parents. It still has an effect (I believe) on the way she raises our kids. And she was sexually abused (fortunately not raped) by a friend of the family. At one stage I thought that could have a significant influence on our sitch and asked three different C's to look into it without any result. W just shrugged and said it had nothing to do with the current sitch. But DB doesn't seem to need to work through past problems, so I am not concerned about that anymore.
The more I think about it the more I am convinced that this is some sort of MLC. (see my post above) One of the things that makes me think that is the fact that she now claims she NEVER loved me, and only married me because I reached second base with her. This is such an obvious lie, but it fits in with what DR says about MLC: The person rewrites history completely in her own mind.
Sandi You are probably right, but the only times I seem to get positive response from W is when I compliment her. I will be very careful.
Thanx for posting!
Kolle
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
It is now about a week since I last kissed my wife hello and goodbye, and I try my best to keep my hands off her, which is difficult because she is just so... touchable. I also don't tell her ILY anymore. Maybe it is just my imagination but I think she is more distant than ever. The sadness is overwhelming. My mom phoned just now to tell me that her sister had a stroke last night, and she cant talk anymore. I started crying for my aunt but also because I feel like I have had a stroke. Or should have one. I am on AD's but I don't take them regularly, stupid bugger that I am.
My wife is going to watch a DVD now, I'll put on my cheerful, I have a wonderful future planned with or without you, face and join her.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Kolle, you've got to take your meds regular for them to work. It is worse when you don't take them correctly. Please, do like the doctor tell you to. You need them to get you through this time in your life.
You could be right about your wife and the compliments....if she seems to be more happy with more compliments, than lay it on. In time, I hope you can reach a place where things can be "light" engouh between the two of you that you can start using that charm and do some flirting with her. That is when you can tell her how hot and sexy she is and that you have to sit on your hands to keep from ravishing her.....and see how she reacts to that. But, timing is everything and I don't imagine you are at that point yet. Keep working at it and you will get there. Her self-esteem has to be very low to need that much assurance and compliments on a daily basis.
I'm thinking of you. Sure and praying things will work out.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What makes my stupidity worse is that I am the doctor, and I am definitely my worst patient. A friend once told me that a doctor who treats himself has a fool for a doctor.
Last night before she put on the video she walked past me in the kitchen and said "I'm starting the video, you coming?" and she touched my arm. I may be clutching at straws but maybe that touch was a TINY babystep. The movie was horrible, ("Waitress") about a WAW planning the act but then getting pregnant by mistake and starting an affair with her gynecologist. It made me sick so I went to sleep after about twenty minutes. I asked W this morning how it ended, and she said the heroine won a pie baking contest, left her H and opened a pie shop. Glad I did not watch it, it would take a whole box of happy pills to make me feel better.
I've decided to go for the ballroom dancing singles class, will phone the studio today.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Well, Dr. Kolle, is my face red or what! (lol) Guess it is hard being your own doctor. But, I have always heard that if you didn't take them correctly, they would not work and of course, it you were to stop suddenly they could even have dangerous side effects (that is why I said that b/c of what other doctors have told me). Kind of reminds me of myself trying to lose weight dieting once a week! (lol)
So, she didn't use very good taste in choosing a movie to watch, did she? Wonder if she knew what it was about? Hope not. That would just be too cruel.
I think the ballroom dancing would be a great class to take. Gosh, it sounds so romantic to me. Sorry, if you told me, but I have forgotten, does your W like to do that? What a great surprise that would be after you took some classes and then had an opportunity to take her ballroom dancing....or better yet....her go watch you dance with a pretty partner at your recital!
Good luck on your classes. Keep posting and don't give up. Stay on that medicine! Dr. Sandi's orders! (lol)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
ann