Well FG and RWS I didn't want to lock the last one in the midst of the two of you disagreeing back and forth. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I appreciate you both sharing yours with me and others. My experience in life right now and my sharing of those experiences here are surely food for thought for others.
FG onto your question about what I want...
...I want my H back however although he is more friendly and flirting and asking for sexual favors on the weekends he professes he is so very happy with who the girlfriend is as a person and the fact that they have so much in common and how she has a good head on her shoulders and career minded...she keeps him provided for by putting him up in her home with knowing supposedly that he has debts and can't give her any money. I think he is enjoying being a kept man.
How do I take all that? FG your opinion on that one is greatly appreciated as well as anyone elses.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Sorry that you are facing this. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yet you are here fighting for yours. I commend you for this. Love is a decision. It is not based on feelings.
Your H is going through a stage where his financial status is taking its toll. So, he's seeking sexual promiscuity to boost his ego. IMO, he's hiding from reality.
The best thing that you can do is to remain strong, do the 180s and GAL. The board is another gift that you can give yourself.
Thank you for those upbeat words. I have to get my anger and emotions in check and work every day to do so. Love is a choice/decision. My H chose to fall out of love with me but I never fell out of love with him even when I found out about the affair and him now living with girlfriend #2.
I fight everyday for my kids. Yes, I am human and have weak moments, hence my need to go out and find a male to share my emotions and feelings with that wound up evolving into relationship yet I have been judged by every single poster to my threads for doing so. It is easy to sit back and chew me a new one for doing what I did but until you walk a mile in my shoes you shouldn't act like you are better than me simply because you haven't done it. As I said in a previous post what I have done and am doing may not be the choice of others but it is/was the right choice for me. I know me better than anyone else in this world...even better than FG thinks he knows me...lol.
There was no rule book handed out at our marriage telling us how to handle this type of situation.
I will grow and continue to improve who I am everyday. H will either come home or he won't. My work will never be done regardless of his choices though. I am trying to sit back calmly and shine and be seen by him as the girlfriend he needs.
I am still so confused by his actions though. He talks about how he is so very attracted to this girlfriend because of her brains and independence and strong mindedness(me 19 years ago-ironic)but comes to me every weekend for sexual favors and even slept with me last week. Oh but the sex with her is amazing...phooeeeeey on that, if it were he wouldn't be coming to me for things. He is realizng that we had something after 19 years of togetherness that he won't have with any other woman...at least not until he has a lengthy history with them and maybe not even then.
It almost seems like the one he is with now was who I used to be prior to kids...the career woman who didn't need him to survive, the intelligent but not cocky woman, etc...hell he used to brag to his friends and our neighbors even as recently as a month before he left about how I completed him and how he was so proud of me and how smart I was and so much more. I almost wonder if he felt he would never match up??? But if that were the case then why would he go with someone so similar it sounds? I have read that woman men end up in affairs with are normally a version of their wives in some shape or form such as appearance, build, mind, personality, etc...
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
you walk a mile in my shoes you shouldn't act like you are better than me simply because you haven't done it.
Do you realize how insulting that is? What makes you think that you are the only one to walk on a certain path? At least when I dated, I had divorce papers in hand. And even then at best< i had a short relationship because I was not over the old one.
Seriously, I didn't judge you. I simply asked you if you told this man what you had told us and you didn't. You even admitted it was a poor way to start a relationship. And you went out before you knew our H was having an affair, so don't come at us all high and mighty.
Now. The question. Are you interested in saving your marriage? If so, then act like it.
My comments to you were driven more on the way you behaved with the children. You do need to read, research information on Father's Rights. They are vicious individuals out there (just as there are with mother's) who teach men tatics on gaining not only custody of children, but alimony and child support. When you mentioned your husband wanting to meet in public area that sent up major red flags.
Now, on to your affair. I can't address your H's affair as he isn't the one posting. I am in your shoes. I walk them too. I have two children and a husband who has told me he hates me. Only YOURS seems sane while mine is bi-polar. Am I lonely? Hell yes. But I do want to repair my marriage and I don't see logically how that is possible when I have another person I am clinging on to.
You need to be comfortable with you before you even remotely consider another relationship. By jumping from one to another- clearly shows you don't like you. I stand by my opinion that a) you need to be with you for a min. of 2 years before you consider another relationship b) you will seek more value, you will be a better person, mother and wife if you would seek therapy from a professional on "why" you have this need to feel wanted/needed or "why" you have this need to feel desired right now. (it's totally natural to feel this way, but in order to repair your marriage- you have to decide what's more important.
In regards to your H. wanting bootie calls, I think you need to find more respect for yourself. Do you know he's practicing safe sex and or are you? I would personally find it insulting and degrading for my husband to have a woman and me be the "girlfriend". A therapist can help you gain more self respect for you.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
Honey, I hope you don't think that I am judging you. The choices you have made are just not the ones I would choose to follow. But this is your life and you have to live it according to what you need. I am concerned about your well being. Both physically (I hope you and your H and all partners involved are being safe) and emotionally. I am also concerned about your children, especially because you have expressed how your son is having a difficult time with all this. I have been praying for him regularly and hope he is doing a little better.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
As I said in a previous post what I have done and am doing may not be the choice of others but it is/was the right choice for me.
Why is it the right choice for you?
I have recommended it before, and I will say it again - try to live your adult life for a while without the need of someone of the opposite sex. You will be amazed how much fun you can have by yourself or with other female friends. Develop trusting relationships with other women. You dont need a man right now to complete you - you need to really find yourself and to take the time to get over your M if it does indeed end in a D.
You may not realize it now, but one of the problems in forming a new R with someone is the 1-2 years of intense passion - the romance inspired by chemicals in our brains. It is during this time period that one can take too much of their focus off of what is most important - their children. You may say to yourself that this wont happen to you, but it can. It has happened to your H. Two years ago, did you think your H would ever have a change in his life that would cause him to neglect his children so much? Be the stable person in your childrens lives now that your H has gone flaky.
One thing my W told me about OM's first W that she was impressed with is that after he D'd her from a 25 year M, she never had another R with another man and that she was a very content and happy woman by herself.
Heed the warning of Runwithscissors (I still have to see that movie) - your H is not a stupid man. He probably will be advised as to what is in his own best interest financially. Will he get a lawyer with morals that cares about the best interest of the children - you dont know. He could get a real dirt bag that guides your H to go for full custody for the sake of financial benefit and knows the tactics to win.
Be very careful.
Also, stop worrying about or trying to figure out what is driving your H with his A. And dont let him have his cake and eat it too. I disagree with one part of Michelle's book where she says that it is sometimes acceptable to have sex with the estranged spouse. I believe that sexual relations should only start again once the causes of the deterioration of the M have been resolved.
Exactly you did your relationship differently than I did. The way you did it worked for you...the way I did mine worked for me.
I am not coming down on anyone here...just trying to explain why I do what I do and make the choices I make. But maybe I can't properly explain it without it coming across as being a nasty Queen B as FG calls me...so for that I apologize.
We are all in similar situations but no 2 of our situations are exactly the same...hence my mile in my shoes comment...you have probably walked half the mile in my shoes...lol.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Exactly you did your relationship differently than I did. The way you did it worked for you...the way I did mine worked for me.
---------->what part of this is exactly working for you? Just because you lack self respect and co-dependancy doesn't really show it's working. a) you are a bootie call for your husband and b) you lack self respect/love for you (hence the need to have another man SO quickly and before you knew your husband had another woman).
You're right- it's working great for you. Good luck. You are not ready to work on you or your marriage. I just hope it doesn't really bite you in the end. Most are seeing it, but you don't want to or are not ready for it.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
