I think it is time to set that boundary - that you will only pay for things that she discusses with you in advance.
The key is asking for what you want in a constructive and assertive manner. Not going on the offensive or going on the defensive. You are not being unreasonable in your request.
You cannot "not" set a boundary b/c you are apprehensive about the other person's reaction. It is natural for the other person to not be happy when they are the one giving up something. That is true even if the other person is not W.
The goal is perhaps to maintain a constructive dialog in the face of her reaction.
Quote:
A good DB'er would ask oneself at this point..."will this bring me closer to my goals?" My goals vis a vis my W are to get out of this R as amicably as possible and while minimizing the impact on the kids, so that does not seem to help.
Perhaps it would be a good lesson for the kids to see how to constructively set boundaries.
Besides you are not refusing to pay for the kids things - you would just like to discuss the finances in advance. And really - you just want to filter out expenses like the rental car - right?
Detachment is NOT a mechanism to avoid setting boundaries. Detachment is a mechanism for setting boundaries in a constructive manner.
As for getting out of the R - unfortunately W will probabaly react. She has a pretty good set up right now... She will see a decrease in her standard of living... All you can do is control your action. W's reaction is not within your control.
And well the kids - and I really am asking - I don't know the answer. Do you think it is better for them to live in R limboland or is it better to end the R, move on and provide then with stability. Right now your kids probably already know that all is not well between you and W - do you think that they are waiting for you to get a D?
