Attempted talk with H didn't go exactly as planned... it hardly went at all. I thought about exactly what to say and how to say it all the way home. I was ready. I was going to be sweet and loving, but let him know that I didn't need things. That i didn't want anyone or anything, but him. I just wanted his time and affection and that would be more than enough for me.
Then i got home... I think that was the problem. hehe.
I walked in the door and he's playing video games, had been for a couple hours, i guess. I made dinner and he doesn't shut it off until food is in front of him. Once it was off, i told him we needed to talk later. Dinner is over, i start getting the girls ready for bed and by the time i do, H is playing again. I was frustrated. He mentioned something about how this was special, him and his friend found this special part, they just wanted to get all the points then he wouldn't play so much. I said "whatever... if you're interested i'll be in the other room, not that you seem to care" No not mature or a good way to talk, but i was mad. Oops.
He got done and made some comments about how things haven't been getting done around here. Can't i ever just be a neat person? why is it so freaking hard for me to understand? What is wrong with me? So that pretty much shut me down for the night. I was so ready to talk to him in a loving way, that i just didn't even know how to respond to him.
as the weekend went on, more and more video games. More frustration when i finally convinced him to get out of the house for a while. Heaven forbid we all spend some time together. His anger over little things is rediculous. He blew up at D3 over nothing to the point she almost cried. She just stared at him, he mouth hanging open and her eyes wide. I've never hurt for her so much. I just had her come over to me and I held her for a while. I told her i love her and that daddy was just having a bad day and that it wasn't her fault. she clinged to me, poor thing. She's just a little girl. I tried talking to him a couple more times over the weekend, but there was always something.
I know that everyone said it was so important to be firm, so important to make him talk to me and so important to make things clear now and that was the plan... By the end of the weekend, i realized something. I don't want to have to fight him just to get him to talk to me. I shouldn't have to do that should i? I found myself crying and just being plain miserable most of the weekend, especially Sunday. I just kept thinking how this is not how it should be. How i shouldn't have to fight him to love me. That is it so wrong that I should want my H to want to spend time with me, just because he wants to and not because i made him... i just feel like i don't know if i have the energy to keep pushing at him.
I know that's the wrong attitude to have and that i deserve a whole bunch of 2x4s for it, but i just can't seem to shake it. Maybe it's just a bad few days.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
