I haven't been on the boards as much lately and your post must've slipped to page 2 before Mal responded.
I'm sorry you're in such torment, Sad. Really sorry.
I have to agree with Mal, though, D does NOT sound like the answer for you. Nor, does an A...but you know that.
As for your crisis of faith...well, that IS tough. But when you wrote that the Almighty doesn't seem to be answering your prayers here's what came to me.
Sad, think back to a year ago...God HAS answered your prayers. SAM is with YOU, Sam loves YOU.
Yes there's a WHOLE lot of baggage attached to the sitch. I don't believe for a second that CJ and I would be as far along as we are if there were legal battles ongoing that thrust the whole issue into our faces constantly...hard earned money thrown at lawyers...
I think that in a big way, you two have not really had a CHANCE yet to begin piecing. It's all still too much in the present.
So why not pull out an old DB trick....PATIENCE...I know, I know, it's the last thing you want to hear when you're at the end of your rope!
But I can't help but wonder what might come about when this is all really behind you.
Sad...I've not yet told CJ that I forgive him, but in my heart it's mostly a done deal. Stranger still, perhaps, is that I trust him. Or more accurately, I CHOOSE to trust him every day.
I could CHOOSE to wonder about the women in his online course, I could CHOOSE to wonder if he's still really in contact with OW or meeting a new OW on line...but to what end?
So, you might ask...what if he really IS up to no good?
First, in my heart I know it isn't so. If I'm being fooled yet again, well, Sad I KNOW I can survive...most likely without CJ! But I choose not to channel my thoughts and energy in that direction.
Is everything great? No. We havne't made love since September. ...but I'm choosing to dwell on the positives.
Tell us, Sad, you say that Sam apologizes often (BTW, CJ apologized a handful of times WAY back and then pretty much at my prompting)....doesn't this suggest that she KNOWS you aren't forgiving her, or senses this great dissatisfaction you're feeling?
Have you talked with her OPENLY about how you are feeling? Or is that still too scary?
MAL, I am still considering divorce, but you are right…I am still considering making this marriage the best it can be. Thank you for stopping by. Your help has always meant a great deal to me. I am sorry your D has probably gone through by now and I pray you are hanging in there and doing well.
Shiny, I think I love you. You are very good at saying exactly what I feel and even better at giving advice about what I should do.
I am so sorry I cannot be on the boards more often because I do not our relationships to be so one sided – me complaining and you folks fixing – but I have kinda shut down for now, at least as far as piecing is concerned. I am unable to escape the hurt I felt from the beginning. The reminders and anniversaries are killing me. The court date is coming up at the end of this month and I am afraid that hearing everything over again will push me over the edge? Or worse, what if something is revealed that I don’t yet know and my heart is ripped out again?
My schedule changed at work, so I now hardly see SAM at all. My pleurisy has gotten worse and I am on pain meds again (but I am not abusing them!). SAM is complaining a lot about being exhausted all of the time from working and taking care of the children. Does all this sound familiar? Yup, we are right back to where we were this time last year! Only this time, she isn’t fn anyone.
I keep thinking that once the anniversaries are past us, we can pick up where we left off. Until then, we are each of us, miserable. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to forgive. I know time heals all wounds, but what if I get ten more years down the road and feel no better?
I guess all I can do is do nothing. I think LL told me to do that once…so many have helped me! Thanks to all!! I hope to be able to post on everyone’s thread soon. I am trying to make the days longer, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
Quote: I am trying to make the days longer, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
please be sure to keep us posted on your progress in that area!
sad (damn it I hate calling you sad)
things aren't always easy...there are reminders and of course the first year of anniversaries is the toughest.
You can do nothing or you can plan a little escape for you and w...just some relaxing time...get a sitter for the kids..sounds like she could use it too.
as far as wondering if you'll still have the neg feelings ten years from now...well I should be talking to myself here but why worry about what will be...take it one day at a time and know worry about ten years from now in ten years ok?!
Thanks you two. I love hearing your advice because I know it is always right.
Let me catch you up on things: my court case has been post poned so the OM and his wife can each concentrate on suing SBHSAM for malpractice. My lawyer says SAM will definitely lose. We have learned that when she loses, people can come after her assets, of which we do not have very many, but if she has to declare bankruptcy, then my credit is adversely affected and I could lose my brand new, never used Insurance Agent's License. The hits just keep coming...
That's the other thing, I have earned a license to be a certified financial planner and I plan to be selling insurance, annuities, retirement plans, and long term care insurance. It is a good move for me; it is time to get out of the computer industry; there just aren't enough high paying jobs and I am tired of being laid off every 2 years. Tension between sam and I is high. She told me tonight she is lonely and tired of taking care of the kids while I work overnight. I have also been in poor health lately. I have severe pain in my lungs and ribcage and nobody can tell me what is wrong.
When I woke up to go to work tonight, I had a temperature of 101. She said I am always sick, but she can handle it better now. It made me feel guilty and it made me feel like she partially believes she did what she did because I am often sick. I feel like we have stepped back into last year.
So I told her, "This is just like last year when I was often ill, the kids were out of control because I worked overnight, and you are bichin' about everything." "I just want a break," she said. I laughed and shook my head because the last time she took a break was to go spend the weekend with the OM. She asked what I was thinking, and I told her she didn't want to know because it wasn't nice.
She was insulted and said something like "Great. Now I cannot even say I need a break without you throwing it back in my face." I said "I didn't throw anything in your face. Where'd you come up with that? Where should I be as far as the healing process goes?" She said, "I'm not a psychologist. Remember?" I asked, "What I mean is, do you think I am doing enough or do I need to do more? I cannot help that my health suffers so much. I had no control over when I was born or what genes I got. So I'm sorry. But, if you think I'm not doing enough, or am too sickly, then go."
"Wha-?
"That's right. I am tired of this sh*t. If you can do better than me, the pack up and get out."
She went upstairs to cry. I went to work. The kids kept jumping on their beds.
"SAM - I know you are stressed out right now. I know you are feeling lonely and overwhelmed.I am stressed out too, because I am having a tough time with all the "anniversaries" of the affair, and I am very afraid of you leaving again now that we are in a tough situation. I guess that is leading me to push you away, because of that fear of you leaving.
How about instead of us fighting, we work together to come up with solutions to make our life a little better?"
Then offer her some options - - is there someone who can watch the kids so you two can have a weekend alone together?
- does she have any ideas about diet and exercise that might help improve your health? (maybe if you made a great show out of drinking carrot juice every day or some such thing she would believe you were trying - and who knows, maybe it would even help ).
- does she have a girlfriend she can trade childcare with to get a little free time during the day?
- can you give her a massage when she's stressed out?
Look - you two are going through one of the most stressful things imaginable right now. You both need the confort and security of knowing the other is in your corner. Your W is telling you her needs aren't being met, so try to figure out a way to validate that and start meeting her needs - then you can ask her to start meeting some of your too.
The next day, Sam asked if I told her to pack up and leave just to be mean to her. I said, "No. I said it because I mean it." She then told me she doesn't want to leave and she wants our marriage to last.
I cannot tell her that I am afraid of her leaving again because I am not. I am certain she wants to stay, but I also feel if she left that would be fine too. I am not trying to push her away. I am just tired of all of it.
As far as my health goes, I will be taking measures to improve it. I can't help but wonder how much stress is a factor in my condition?
We received another surprise hit today: Sam is going to be unemployed after this Friday. That means we also lose our free daycare.
Folks...I'm looking for some good in this relationship and I am not finding any. I am lost right now. Ellie, I will support her as she finds new work. I still love her but I am finding it more and more difficult to come up with reasons to fight for this marriage.
Quote: I cannot tell her that I am afraid of her leaving again because I am not. I am certain she wants to stay, but I also feel if she left that would be fine too. I am not trying to push her away. I am just tired of all of it.
I wouldn't be too sure of this. I still read in your posts that you are tired of worrying that she won't be there 100% for you, that's why you're pushing her away.
Quote: I still love her but I am finding it more and more difficult to come up with reasons to fight for this marriage.
Should I be honest and tell her that?
No. Look, you are overwhelmed by circumstances right now and feeling the urge to just run away - kind of like how our WASs got into their sitches in the first place, no?
I recommend the following:
- first, very nicely let her know you are feeling badly and need some attention to fill your love bucket. Don't blame or accuse, just ask nicely for what you need from her.
- second - just give it some time, okay? I know right now you feel overwhelmed and want to run just to be changing something. I understand. But it really won't make things any easier in the long run. When you have that feeling, things will usually look better in a day or a week. So just wait for tomorrow.
What is SAM going to do about looking for a new job? And have you spoken to an attorney about any ways to protect your assets from her judgments?
admittedly if she said that she was leaving i would feel a sense of loss again but i am not trying to push her away because i am afraid of her leaving.
i am so angry at the position she has placed us. i wish i could leave but i cannot bear the thought of hurting the children. i cannot stand the idea of taking turns with the children. i shudder when i imagine her having married again and another guy trying to play the role of a father to my kids.
i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i agree ellie, i am overwhelmed. nobody should have to go through what i, you, and everyone else who has had a spouse betray them, have gone through. i am disgusted by what my sometimes wife has done to me and our family.
she is going to collect unemployment until she can find a job.
i don't want her to try to fill my "love tank." i feel like she had that chance and blew it.
today is also the annaversary of when i found out...
why am i being so pussyfooted about this? it is simple: mess around on me and i leave. period. when did i change the rules? why should the rules be different now that i have children?
...but I'm choosing to dwell on the positives.
).