"SAM - I know you are stressed out right now. I know you are feeling lonely and overwhelmed.I am stressed out too, because I am having a tough time with all the "anniversaries" of the affair, and I am very afraid of you leaving again now that we are in a tough situation. I guess that is leading me to push you away, because of that fear of you leaving.
How about instead of us fighting, we work together to come up with solutions to make our life a little better?"
Then offer her some options - - is there someone who can watch the kids so you two can have a weekend alone together?
- does she have any ideas about diet and exercise that might help improve your health? (maybe if you made a great show out of drinking carrot juice every day or some such thing she would believe you were trying - and who knows, maybe it would even help ).
- does she have a girlfriend she can trade childcare with to get a little free time during the day?
- can you give her a massage when she's stressed out?
Look - you two are going through one of the most stressful things imaginable right now. You both need the confort and security of knowing the other is in your corner. Your W is telling you her needs aren't being met, so try to figure out a way to validate that and start meeting her needs - then you can ask her to start meeting some of your too.
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