That's my opinion, at least! Everytime I've ever been in or overheard a talk regarding someone else's R, it seems that an outside perspective is often neutral and tends to validate both sides.
BTW, love that shirt idea, too! Lisa's onto something there!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Saturday was just what the doctor ordered . Got to my sister's house at 9:30 that morning, then we all went out for breakfast and mimosas. After that, we did a little shopping, went for our mani/pedis , then headed to the day spa where we each enjoyed a full hour massage - so nice! We also went and bowled a couple of games (I totally suck but it was still fun!), then we went out for a mexican dinner - yum!
My sister called me yesterday and said I left too soon the night before. One of our friends (who lives near my sister) called about 30 minutes after I left to invite her to the pleasure party she was having that night. Shoot, I missed out!
Anyway, H and I had an R talk late Saturday night. The details are a bit fuzzy now since it was past midnight and I was really tired, but we talked about how we both feel unappreciated at times. We had a little spat before I left that morning. I was in a hurry to leave because I was running late, and H got upset because he didn't feel like I cared about him. He asked me to help him stretch his arms behind his back. Not meaning anything by it, I said, "Ok, hurry up." I just meant for him to stand up. Well he didn't like that and snapped, "Just forget it then!"
I couldn't believe this - just how easily H gets upset - and walked away. Grabbed my things and went to go out the front door when I noticed that it was unlocked. I had assumed it must have been that way all night and spoke my thoughts aloud, "Great, the door was unlocked all night!" Then I walked out, and as I was outside going to my car, H opened the door and screamed for all the neighbors to hear (several were outside), "The door wasn't open all night, (GF)! I just unlocked it for my mom because she's bringing the kids home for me right now!" Then he SLAMMED it shut. Geez, I didn't know how to feel then. Embarrassed, angry, apologetic, disgusted....
*Sigh* ....I'm getting real tired of this, and unfortunately, it's been happening quite a bit.
Well anyway, in our R talk the other night, I told H I believe we are both saying what we want, but perhaps the problem is that the other is interpreting the words differently. It seems we are both personalizing the other's words. Like when I said, "Ok, hurry up." H felt that was an act of not caring about him, and that was not at all how I felt. Or when he gets mad if I don't immediately give him a hug and/or kiss as soon as he walks in the door. I said to him, "Maybe a good thing to do would be to look at what I'm doing at the moment. If I'm washing dishes, then stop and think, "Ok, I want a hug right now, but she's doing the dishes. Perhaps that's the only thing that is on her mind at this very moment - getting the dishes done. Let me try to be understanding and patient, and perhaps I'll get the hug that I want when she's done."
For me, I feel unappreciated when H criticizes everything in the house. Has he forgotten that this has been my space for the last 3 years? It can be anything - where I keep the vacuum cleaner (in a closet, but H thinks it should be in a different one ), the kids' pants should be hanging up rather than folded in a dresser, my drawer in the bathroom vanity looks too disorganized (for H of course) - never mind that it's closed all the time and out of view!
It's the way he expresses his dissatisfaction with things. He is VERY harsh, says things like, "This looks like sh**", or "Why the f*** is this here? Don't you think it would look better over here or like this?" or even "Why didn't you straighten your hair today? It looks better when you do it like that."
At one point in our convo, H said, "I do care, more than you'll ever know." I said, "Well maybe that's the problem. I DON'T know. There have been many things that have happened between us throughout our years together that have left a deep rooted feeling in me. Probably for you, too." H asked what I meant by that, and I told him, "Whenever we have been in an argument or a disagreement where I got so upset that I began to cry.....you copied me. I was so upset and hurting, and I felt like I was being made fun of." H didn't say anything for awhile, then finally said, "You're right. I'm so sorry. I was wrong for doing that."
He also asked me what I felt needed to be done to help better our M. I said I thought it would be REALLY good for us to talk to someone who could help us with communication. He didn't say anything to that. Figured he wouldn't. I really believe that's a dead end with my H.
Anyhow, the convo ended on a good note. We both apologized for what happened that morning and cuddled with each other. H said, "ILY, (GF), and I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard this gets. I have a goal, and that's to be happy with you and the kids, and I will do whatever I have to do because this is where I want to be. ILY." I told H that I loved him, too, and even though it's been rough this past month, I'm still glad he's here. He started giving me kisses, and one thing lead to another...
Yesterday was nice, too. H had some of his buddies over after his soccer game so I BBQ'ed for everyone. H REALLY loved that! He kept sneaking a kiss here and there with me....gotta be macho in front of the guys, you know .....and kept telling me how much he appreciated me cooking and going on a beer run for them . Told him no problem.
BTW, he's in pain today, but he still went in to work. At his game yesterday, he tripped and either sprained his ankle very badly or he might have a slight fracture. He was in a lot more pain this morning than he was yesterday, but he still went to work. I called to check up on him, but he hasn't called back yet.
Hope everyone else had a great weekend!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
H is alright. It was just a sprain but very painful, according to H. He said he didn't like the doctor he saw yesterday. Made H feel like he was a big crybaby or something. Hmm....
Anyway, yep, it's good that we're talking, I agree. You would think all this talking would be helping us, but it still feels like it's not getting completely through to H. Yesterday was a good day for us, but already today, H is on one of his moods. Very irritable about everything.
It's times like this where I just feel like running away.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well, in some ways, a sprain is worse than a fracture. I sprained my ankle at the beginning of February and am still feeling the effects. So, I sympathize with him. I hope he recovers soon.
I think as my H and I talk more, I will need to read and reread some of the DR chapters and also Why Talking Is Not Enough by Susan Page. Sometimes you are just communicating on different wavelengths.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
GF,I know how you feel, but you two are going to have to readjust to being together and as hard as it is, it sounds like you two are at least on the same path. You have been so strong and done such a great job, so keep the faith and keep up the good work.
Corey
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Well, in some ways, a sprain is worse than a fracture. I sprained my ankle at the beginning of February and am still feeling the effects. So, I sympathize with him. I hope he recovers soon.
He's doing so much better today. The doctor told him to walk it off, and that's exactly what he's been doing since then.
You know, you made me think, Michelle. When you said that you can sympathize with my H......Sometimes I feel like I cannot. I love him, I care about him, but there is still some resentment inside. It's not like I relive the past in my mind everyday or anything like that, because I don't at all. But it almost feels like there's a permanent impression...or depression...in my heart and mind that takes over when H is looking for sympathy and empathy. It's like where was it when I wanted it from him? Oh that's right - he didn't care. Otherwise, he wouldn't have treated me with such disregard, such hatred at times.
He has apologized, numerous times, for all of it.....but it's when he does it again and again.....that's what makes it difficult to believe whether or not he's truly sorry. The actions to support the apologies come and go as well.
Last edited by GoingForward; 04/15/0811:19 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
. Got to my sister's house at 9:30 that morning, then we all went out for breakfast and mimosas. After that, we did a little shopping, went for our mani/pedis 
....I'm getting real tired of this, and unfortunately, it's been happening quite a bit.
), the kids' pants should be hanging up rather than folded in a dresser, my drawer in the bathroom vanity looks too disorganized (for H of course) - never mind that it's closed all the time and out of view!
.....and kept telling me how much he appreciated me cooking and going on a beer run for them 