Well, the inlaws are in town. They are uneasy around me. Everything is superficial. The kids are happy to see them, so that's cool. I want my children to be happy. Which makes me wonder...which is worse? staying in a marriage that you no longer want or getting out and hurting the children?
Things aren't tense. We just seem to be in a holding pattern. There is no question about Sam's remorse and desire to stay in this marriage. She apologizes almost every day. But the line was crossed (twice) and that is a hard thing to forgive. Well, forgiving may not even be the problem. After all, I can honestly say I forgive an ex for doing the same thing to me, with a preacher no less. I forgive her, BUT, notice the ex and I aren't together either. It is more an issue of trust. Can I trust that my best friend and wife, who knows all of my secrets, hopes, and aspirations, will not betray me again. I don't want to hurt this way ever again.
I know that I stay now for the children. For selfish reasons and because I don't want to traumatize them with a divorce. No doubt about it, they would not understand and I don't know if I could bear to see them hurt.
The selfish part is that I don't want to be separated from them in any way. They are fun and I love being a dad. And they need their mother. Not a substitute.
I hate the position Sam has put me in. I hate that I have to decide what to feel about all of this. I hate that I am now making more money than ever before and it is being pissed away on lawyers. There just doesn't seem to be any easy choices and the Almighty doesn't seem to be listening to my prayers. It is hard for me to believe he is too concerned considering he allowed Sam and I to join a church, get baptized, and light the Advent candles as a family while she carried her dirty little secrets. The bible states God hates divorce. Period. But what about adultery? I did nothing wrong and did not deserve this.
The excuse "You were never around," doesn't cut it when the reason I wasn't around was because I was working my ass off on an overnight shift so I could spend my days working on the house and studying. A part of me wants to "even the score" by having an affair or two of my own. I would love to find someone who will appreciate me a little better for a while...make me feel wanted again. But that seems like such a short term answer and I am not so sure I can break the vow I made. Integrity is a bitch sometimes.
Perhaps I'll know better what to do when the holidays and the trial is over.
