hello sad, this is the first i have read about your sitch, but i am so sorry that you are still having a very rough time with it
but isn't it comforting knowing that the vets on the board are still having a rough time with forgiveness as well
that is where i am with this whole thing too, balancing a decision based on what i know is right for the children. that is a sacrifice we have to make being the ones who didn't sin
please post more often so that those on board can better help with your sitch
Quote: Sage, your list idea is exactly what I need to do, but I honestly am struggling with what to put on it. I don't know what I would be doing differently if I had forgiven her, I just know I would feel better somehow. <snip> But back to the list, Sage. What did you put on yours? I am in such a fog I simply cannot see what should be on my list.
Sad...just wanted you to know that I haven't been ignoring your post/question... TBH, the "list" idea just came to me when I was posting on your thread! So your query back to me about what's on MY list got me thinking...I'm still working on it and will post it...likely AFTER Sat. (1 year anniversary of DDAY).
One thing that I've realized for myself while thinking about this is that many of my "limiting actions" have been turned towards myself and MY life...in other words...SO MUCH of the residue of the A. has been in the way that I treat myself, feel about myself...my external actions towards h (with some notable exceptions which I detail!) are actually probably MORE positive than before the bomb.
Do you know what I mean?
I gotta run...will post more later! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hello folks. I still am unable to come up with a list of what I would be doing different if I had forgiven Sam.
I have good news: the charges against me were dropped and I can pick up my knife! Yippee!!!
On a sour note: I might lose my job because I was arrested and apparently the people I work for now think me a felon or something. Jerks.
And just to make things more interesting...a woman I once loved from afar is now single and has asked to go out. Now I am really confused. It's not that I don't love Sam, I just don't know if I can recover from HER infidelity. Why blow a chance at being with someone else?
Someone who can make me feel good about myself. I am so confused...I just want to be happy, damn it! And I am not happy right now!
What's the sitch with you and SAM? How are things "not working out"?
IMHO you want to stay away from this former love...how would this be different from what SAM did to you if you got involved? Would you not owe her (or at least yourself) the dignity of breaking it off with her before pursuing any other R's?
If you're not prepared to do end it, WITHOUT knowing if there's any chance with your former love, then think twice...three times...MORE.00
Remember...when confused DO NOTHING.
What is it about this former love that feels so attractive right now? What is missing from your M?
I am unable to lay it all out because I do not understand all that is in my head. Sam is doing nothing wrong now...well not true. I see her being upset about things more often and I see her yelling at our children more. She is still very apologetic and tells me so every chance she can. But the point is, outside of how I want my children to be treated, that I am not happy.
After all of the counselling, all of the meds, all of our late night talks, the very little sex, understanding how we got here and understanding how growing up in alchoholic families prevents us from feeling the full affects of joy and how we "aren't normal",...after all of the things we have done and learned in the past year, the bottom line is I AM STILL THE ONE BETRAYED, AND THE HURT I FEEL RUNS VERY DEEP AND CANNOT BE BRUSHED ASIDE.
Her enitire FAMILY KNEW what was going on; her sister even thought it cool. Sure, they feel bad about it now, but so what! This is going to be a miserable f-n Christmas because of all of the things I learned about the last.
I feel stupid for having stayed this long.
I don't know what more to say, Shiny. Except that you are correct when you say, "when confused, do nothing." I will not do anything to compromise my honor or my vowes. I just wish I could do something.
The thing that is so attractive about this former love (from afar - never touched her) is that she can say and do all of the things Sam can do, only she hasn't cheated on me.
Sorry SB to seem so angry, but I am. I love you and all who have helped me and I do not like being this way. I hope you will cut me some slack.
Well, the inlaws are in town. They are uneasy around me. Everything is superficial. The kids are happy to see them, so that's cool. I want my children to be happy. Which makes me wonder...which is worse? staying in a marriage that you no longer want or getting out and hurting the children?
Things aren't tense. We just seem to be in a holding pattern. There is no question about Sam's remorse and desire to stay in this marriage. She apologizes almost every day. But the line was crossed (twice) and that is a hard thing to forgive. Well, forgiving may not even be the problem. After all, I can honestly say I forgive an ex for doing the same thing to me, with a preacher no less. I forgive her, BUT, notice the ex and I aren't together either. It is more an issue of trust. Can I trust that my best friend and wife, who knows all of my secrets, hopes, and aspirations, will not betray me again. I don't want to hurt this way ever again.
I know that I stay now for the children. For selfish reasons and because I don't want to traumatize them with a divorce. No doubt about it, they would not understand and I don't know if I could bear to see them hurt.
The selfish part is that I don't want to be separated from them in any way. They are fun and I love being a dad. And they need their mother. Not a substitute.
I hate the position Sam has put me in. I hate that I have to decide what to feel about all of this. I hate that I am now making more money than ever before and it is being pissed away on lawyers. There just doesn't seem to be any easy choices and the Almighty doesn't seem to be listening to my prayers. It is hard for me to believe he is too concerned considering he allowed Sam and I to join a church, get baptized, and light the Advent candles as a family while she carried her dirty little secrets. The bible states God hates divorce. Period. But what about adultery? I did nothing wrong and did not deserve this.
The excuse "You were never around," doesn't cut it when the reason I wasn't around was because I was working my ass off on an overnight shift so I could spend my days working on the house and studying. A part of me wants to "even the score" by having an affair or two of my own. I would love to find someone who will appreciate me a little better for a while...make me feel wanted again. But that seems like such a short term answer and I am not so sure I can break the vow I made. Integrity is a bitch sometimes.
Perhaps I'll know better what to do when the holidays and the trial is over.
TG was bad, no doubt about it. But the kids enjoyed seeing their Grandparents and aunt. My FIL is real uptight and type a. At our old house he could get away by going to his room (our 4th bedroom) where I had a computer he could surf on as well as cable tv. At our new home, we don't have a 4th bedroom so he cannot escape. He doesn't get along with Sam's sis. Sam's sis invited herself over for the holiday and brought her girlfriend with her from Chicago.
She complained after her arrival that we should have been more prepared to have guests over. She didn't like haveing to squeeze around all of the boxes we still haven't unpacked. We had only been in the new house since Oct. 31.
They were also upset that they were unable to sleep in the bed we readied for them. They broke the damn thing when they got in it. You see, most beds aren't made to hold a quarter ton of weight! My SIL and her GF are rather large. So they broke the bed and didn't even apologize.
They got a hotel room. Thank God.
But what's worse, before leaving, my SIL pulled me aside to say she was worried about the children because of the way Sam feeds them or corrects them. She offered to take my son back to Chicago until I could get her "straightened out." Apparently, my wife only feeds our children Pop Tarts and candy; according to my SIL anyway.
She is nuts. My wife may not be a great wife, but she is a great mother. Our children are very well mannered and definitely get the proper foods. I have no idea where she came up with her summation. I do know that it was a holiday so the kids were a bit wound up and the Grandparents bought them candy. Big deal.
All in all, a rotten holiday, especially with all of the things running through my head. All of the things my wife said to me this time last year. All of the annaversaries of her little getaways keep coming to mind. I just don't know how much more I can take.
I am considering divorce, but I don't want to hurt the children in any way. I am considering divorce, but I still love my wife. I am considering divorce, but I know anyone else I meet is going to have her own baggage. I am considering divorce, but I know I cannot afford it. I am considering divorce, but I don't want to lose her.
I wish this @#$! never happened. Nothing from my previous post has changed. I just don't know what to feel or do and it is driving me nuts!
I haven't seen you post in a while, and it's good to see you. I remember when your SAM was posting earlier in the year, and she stopped by my thread a couple times to offer support.
You guys had some tough times. I'm glad to see you are still working at it.
I've missed seeing you guys posting.
I happened to stop by this forum today, and I saw your post. I wish I could give you the "magic recipe" that will fix it all, but I don't have one. I wasn't successful in saving my own M. My D will be final in a few weeks.
However, I wanted to at least stop by, since it looked like you hadn't had any input.
I believe in M, and I always have. So, I would never suggest the D - only if the situation were extreme.
In your case, after I read your thread, I saw over and over again, how much you love your W.
You show admiration for her being a good mother. You talk about not wanting to lose her. You mention how a new person would have her own baggage.
Yes, you're considering D. But you're also considering making this M that you have the best that it can be -- despite all the crap that has happened.
I can only imagine how hard it must be to not have that trust anymore. And I can certainly relate to living out those crappy anniversaries....I have to deal with them too, and it hurts like heck...
Most of all, I can relate to the love that you still feel for her, even after all that has happened. That says a lot about you.
Okay, here is my honest input... If you are coming here to piecing to ask for input If you can write such nice things about your W
I don't think D is what you really want.
I think you are looking for a way to clear up all the thoughts and confusion running through your head.
I wish I knew how to help you with that, but maybe some of the other folks who are piecing their lives back together can.
I'll be back, okay? Take care and I hope you have a Blessed Christmas!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
TBH, the "list" idea just came to me when I was posting on your thread! So your query back to me about what's on MY list got me thinking...I'm still working on it and will post it...likely AFTER Sat. (1 year anniversary of DDAY).