Thank you both for your immediate and helpful posts. It helps to hear that this is a VERY LONG process and that I probably should forgive myself for thinking I should have already forgiven her. I have dates in my mind that I do not look forward to the annaversaries; dates that I know what she was doing this time last year. I feel guilty for wanting revenge against those who would come between a couple. I hate people who cheat on their wives...which then becomes "I hate people who cheat." Which then becomes, "I hate my wife for cheating." But then I realize that I don't hate my wife, but I don't trust her and I don't love her as I once did.

And I don't know what to do.

Sage, your list idea is exactly what I need to do, but I honestly am struggling with what to put on it. I don't know what I would be doing differently if I had forgiven her, I just know I would feel better somehow.

Many years ago, I was terribly in love with a girl...she broke my heart. Years later, after college, we grew to love each other again...then she slept with her preacher. Broken heart all over again, not to mention a real dislike of religion. I look back now, after 15 years, and I know I forgive her. I don't love her any more than I would a distant friend, but I forgive her, and that makes me feel good. I can't wait 15 years to forgive sam and I fear that being seperated is the only way to do it, just as it did before.

This is so wrong and unfair! I deserve better. I don't want to take the easy way out and go start a new relationship elsewhere, but I can't help wonder why I haven't. It would be less work and more enjoyable at this time. If I had a little more self confidence and believed I wasn't a bad looking guy, I probably would just go. And take the children with me.

But back to the list, Sage. What did you put on yours? I am in such a fog I simply cannot see what should be on my list.

And you are correct Shiny, the added stressors: job, new house, the TRIAL...do SEVERELY impede my ability to "put this all behind [myself]." In fact, the docs say the stress is what is causing my whole chest/rib thing. And I definitely need much more evidence of faithfulness and committment on her part.

Love to you two, and thanks for being here for me. Be well.