Maybe we are peace - ing our marriage together

[sage]

Hi Sad,

Thanks for updating us. Sorry to hear that things are still very difficult for you...legally and with m. I DO hope that you decide to post more regularly...maybe we can help somehow?

As for the forgiving...well, I know how hard it is. and it's hard for me not to get frustrated (with myself, with h) when I find myself up against another block of resentment and anger...but, it takes A LONG time...and it's not easy so I try to forgive MYSELF too.

Do you think that you would be acting differently if you HAD achieved forgiveness? Like...if you sat down to make a list of actions....things that you would do (or not do) if you HAD forgiven...towards SAM, towards your kids, towards yourself...what would that list contain?

What if you wrote that list...in excrutiating (and action oriented) detail...then...what if you decided to STOP TRYING to forgive...and do the things on the list anyway?

In other words...really and truly give yourself a break from trying to forgive...say to yourself..I will revisit my "forgiveness level" in 6 months on X/XX/XX. Until then...I will not consciously try to forgive...but I WILL (Sad pulls out list) do the following things even though I haven't forgiven.

Does that make any sense?

I hope to see you around more...

Sage

PS I know you said you've read books on forgiveness...my favorite has been "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis Smedes. It was comforting in that it dispelled quite a few misconceptions that I had been telling myself...