sorry, all. i miss everyone too. it will take a while, but i will catch up to everyone's threads asap.
things have been difficult. i stopped posting because it became impossible to say what was on my mind with sam also reading what i wrote. she isn't going to come back to the boards for a while and she promises not to read what I write.
i was laid off. got a new job, but it is overnight. the market sucks for techies right now. i also was in the hospital for a coupla days for plerosey (sp?). i now have an inflamation in the cartledge beneath my ribs (feels like i have six broken ribs - no kidding). and we are moving on halloween.
docs say they do not know what causes the inflamation (costochondritus sp?) and there isn't much that can be done except rest. it's not an infection and they will not prescribe anything more than ibuprofin. blech.
as far as my marriage goes, i cannot help it but i am still unable to forgive. honestly, i am here for the children, not much more. i know sam is sorry, but...she hurt me so much that i am not sure i can get past it.
and now we are buying a house.
her ex lover is continuing to sue me and we are now going to trial. maybe i should beat him up again...
what sucks is that i felt i was doing a good job of saving the marriage, until i received the letter saying i had to go to trial. now, everything is being dredged up again and i realize that i haven't stopped hurting. i certainly haven't come close to forgiving her.
i read books about forgiving...i read the bible about it...and i still cannot find my way to do it. and now, i am beginning to resent that i have to! my sense of what is fair is being assaulted. and if i cannot forgive, what kind of christian am i? i really am not a very good christian to begin with, and this makes me doubt even more.
i have been reading about adult children of alchoholics (acoa) and i see how much divorce screws up children...i don't want my children to hurt that way! but i don't want to stay in this relationship. i don't know what to think or do anymore. i hate this and i hate being in this position. i hate what she has done. i am so f-n tired.
