Something has happened that has answered some very important questions for me.
i staill am not exact ly how to put it to words, so please forgive me but i am just going to free write this entry. three days ago i missed my morning dose of wellbutrin and xanex which is really not a good thing for me to do. apparently they really help with keeping my mind straight and focussed. when i got home from work that eveningi was grumpy and grouchy. i wasn't mean, i don't think (you will have to ask sam) and was in such a foul meed that i could have been told i had been given a fully rstored 1968 nd a half, limited edition chevy camaro super-sport with a 302ci chevy engine engine (yes motorheads out there, chevy made a 302 because ford's 302 was beating chevy's 350s at the time) and i still would have found something wrong with it.
sam was asking me something and my answer was curt (but still not impolit). she asked what was wrong and i explained about the med situation. she started to cry and continously apologizing for her affairs. all of her sentences were disjointed and difficult for her to get out, but here is what was disclosed:
she said she never realized just how much the suicide of a patient affected her. she said she liked the man very much (nothing more) and was just beginning to realize how involved she was in his case.
so he kills himself while in a drunken stupor. sam now thinks his death is her fault. she cried and cried over and over saying she should have done more or sent him to a batter therapist. she blames herself. that's quite a burden. i know my wife. experienced or not in dealing with what the guy was going through, i am certain she did a great job. she is so caring and intuitive and good at being a psychologist that i know in my heart of hearts that man received the best care he could have. i told her that he was probably already decided to kill himself before starting therapy. i've researched this before (for a book i want to write someday) and when i was extremely depressed in my twenties i too went to that edge. i know what he felt. there was nothing she could have done. nothing. he would have done it no matter who his therapist was. he wasn't there to be saved, he was there to tell his story to an understanding ear. he was there to find on person to care about him. he was there to find someone who would mourn his death. not that his remaining members of the family wouldn't mourn him, but in his world, they had their chance to save him and they couldn't or didn't. it was only a matter of time. it wasn't her fault nor is she even slightly responsible for it. if anything, she should feel comforted knowing that she helped make his last months of life more bearable. poor woman.
she continued to cry and cry, just blurting things out, and she said she didn't know that she didn't want to be a therapist and that it was draining her. she was becomeing weaker and weaker as she lost confidence and the mentors she had just didn't seem to care. either that or they were grossly inadequite at being mentors. the men she had affairs with were sexual predators. they sensed her weakness and pushed her a little here or there to make her weaker.
as she continued to cry, she blurted "i didn't want to say no. i didn't want to hurt them. i didn't want to fail them" which to me means she was terrified that if she didn't follow their lead, they might do something drastic, possibly suicide.
i think this is the cornerstone to the whole problem. i sensed it but was never able to put it in words enough to understand. i knew the man's suicide is what started her distancing herself from my. she pushed for us to get life insurence and every now and then would say she was afraid i was going to die. so, to protect herself, she laid down that conestone and built the wall that seperated us. as she pulled away, i felt neglected and did the same. so here we were, each of us trying to discover the root of our unhappiness yet doing so independant of one another. the gap grew.
this isn't to say that all of the reasons she has given in the past do not have their place in all of this. quite the contrary. it all just adds up.
i think i am beginning to understand. i admitted last night that i thought i had, but i still haven't forgiven her for turning her back on me. but this new info will help with that.
