My health is going to sh!t now that the rains have stopped. Pollens and molds are everywhere, making it difficult to breathe. Painting the church has made my skin break out in hives. I fell asleep at work twice yesterday because I had so much Benadryl flowing in my veins. I told Sam yesterday that I hope she didn't consider this "more of the same" behavior that led to the infidelities. I know that being with someone who is ill a majority of the time must be draining. No wonder she cheated.
We went to the park recently and another family was there walking their small dog. My D(5.5) was completely taken with the creature. Sam struck up a conversation and discovered that this kind of dog is bred for people with allergies and it is pretty rare that someone would have a reaction to it. So i asked if I could hold the dog to see if I can take it. I rubbed the dog's fur on my cheek and on my upper arm (two areas that are very sensative and itch a lot). At first, nothing. But soon I felt that all too familiar tingle. Sam asked how I was feeling. I lied and said fine, because I know how much she and the kids would love to have a dog. But after a while I couldn't hide my discomfort. Alas, I was allergic to the dog. We will never be able to have pets. Period. I feel so...deformed.
I have been betrayed by my body for the whole of my life. I have been hospitalized for simply petting a horse. I almost died that day. My mom discovered that I had passed out in my bed, and my eyes were swollen shut. I was barely breathing. My father tossed my heap into the station wagon and drove furiously to the hospital. He said he wasn't nervous until the ER doc met him at the door. The doc opened the car door and laid me down on the seat. He rubbed my sternum a moment and like a man killing a vampire plunged this five inch long needle into my heart. He squirted adrenalyn into my heart, removed the needle and gave me CPR. (LL, I admire you for wanting to be an EMT). That's why I hate my body. It is defective and it must be part of the reason my w strayed.
My D said last night she hated me and wanted a new father, as did my son. I know they love me deeply and do not mean such things but their words still sting. They just don't know how close they came to having a new father.
I know it is wrong to feel like this. Sam made me feel as though my health wasn't a problem at all because I has so many other good qualities and there were plenty of things we can do indoors. My study of karate also is good for my self image. Fighting for long periods of time is impossible because of my asthma, but I still enjoy sparring. Besides, if attacked on the street the fight should last no longer than three seconds.
But family duties are keeping me from working out. Sam says it is ok for me to go, but then gets upset that she has to always put the kids to bed, and lately that has been quite a chore. I am an advanced belt and those classes are late. Sam doesn't complain (openly) but I know it bother's her. She sort of passively aggressively let's me know by reminding me she needs so much sleep.
I know, I know. I'm rehashing old crap. We've been here before. Her infidelities weren't about me at all. They were about her problems and when am I going to get over it? I don't know. My PMA can KMA today. I am just not feeling well. In fact, I am about to fall asleep at my desk because of Banadryl and Xanex. And whet really sucks is I stilly itch and feel grumpy.
