Oh. Maybe it's just that noone feels as though they can offer advice 'cause you're doing so great??
There's only been a few instances of husbands and wives posting together that I'm aware of on this board...and in all of those cases, I'm not generally inclined to give input. It just feels weird to me -- not in a bad way but kind of -- who am I to give advice to these two people who are actually talking with each other? Guess I'd only feel inclined if I thought they they were seriously miscommunicating with each other...
I always read the thread...just don't feel like my comments are particularly meaningful in light of the great work you guys are doing together
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I know that what we have right now is rare for these boards; who am I to complain when at least we are talking and moving in the right direction. But I just finished painting our church for another 6 hours of community service for punching her ex lover. I'm exhausted and maybe that's why I feel like I do right now: empty.
There is a picture of our family in a hallway dedicated to new members. At the time, I felt we were recharging our marriage. There was so much hope. Little did I know she was already having her first affair. Now the picture makes me sick.
I am being sued by her ex lover for $500k because i kicked his butt. She is being sued for $1.5 mil by the guy's wife for malpractice. It's just too much to take. All of the past year before I discovered the affairs was about sacrifice. I was to work the night shift so I would have time to study, earn more technology certifications, make more money so we could keep up with our bills. Now, I'm stuck feeling empty while at least at one point she felt the excitement of having three men in love with her.
She cried so hard last night. She said she was so ashamed and that she was a bad person. God, I hate to see her hurt. I held her, and rocked her, held her and rocked her. I rubbed her hair. I whispered "everything is going to be ok." She is NOT a bad person. And I think everything will be ok...someday.
But, I love her I love her I love her I love her and I don't want to see the marriage fail. But I am so tired of being kicked and kicked and kicked! These cival suites will bring to light details that I don't want to hear!
I guess I'm not being thankful enough for what I have. Maybe I'm just tired and should go to bed. 'Night all.
Ahhh, SBH, isn't it crummy when you're trying to be positive and move forward and those reminders keep popping up? Mine have all been minor, not big things like lawsuits but just little things like having dinner with H's colleagues in a business trip, only to realize later that H introduced OW to one of them when he started his affair - and here I am at dinner oblivious to that fact. I really hate that part - being the oblivious unknowing spouse.
But you know what? A good nights sleep fixes a lot of things. And you just have to focus on the positives.You can't change the past. Put your attention and focus on the things you want to grow.
Quote: These cival suites will bring to light details that I don't want to hear!
listen to only what you have to....I'd imagine you will not be a part of the suit against w and that is the one that will involve details you'd rather not hear...so perhaps that is one you don't sit in on?
Quote: I guess I'm not being thankful enough for what I have.
guilty of that myself at times...
Quote: Maybe I'm just tired and should go to bed.
I have noticed that when I'm tired I feel bad about everything...get some rest and start anew in the morning.
Oh, Man...law suits??? That just sucks you guys. Like it's not enough to have gone through all of this privately???
Thank GOD you two are pulling together as you'll need that and God's grace to see you through this difficult time. But I have NO DOUBT that you will get through this. Perhaps there is something to be gained through this trial by fire, some cleansing, some sense of REAL closure that might otherwise not occur or take even longer.
I don't know, it just seems to me that things happen for a reason. We just have to learn what we can from them.
And as for feeling like a Pariah....SAD! You're ALWAYS on my rounds!
Quote: I really hate that part - being the oblivious unknowing spouse.
I'm still having trouble with that part myself. Her family knew what was going on before they visited us for Christmas. I know I've complained about this before and most responses were along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect them to do? Tell you?" Um, yes. Or at the very least force her to fess up. Her sister was excited because her always "perfect" older sister was doing something devious and out of character. She later apologized.
Her father shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me and said, "I know it's hard, what you're going through. Been there, done that."
Her mother's excuse was that finally, she thought (sam) was completely happy. She was estatic because her daughter was finally opening up to her and they were becoming closer. It didn't matter that her daughter was ruining her marriage.
The only person who tried to at least make sam stop and think about what she was doing was her lawyer. Imagine that: a lawyer with ethics. I am happy he planted the seeds of doubt in sam's mind. It took them a while to take root, long enough for a great deal more damage to be done, but they rooted nonetheless. I am happy they did.
Quote: listen to only what you have to....I'd imagine you will not be a part of the suit against w and that is the one that will involve details you'd rather not hear...so perhaps that is one you don't sit in on?
I hope you are right. But even if I don't sit in, I want her to feel as if she could tell me everything. I don't know if I can take it, that's all.
Quote: Thank GOD you two are pulling together as you'll need that and God's grace to see you through this difficult time. But I have NO DOUBT that you will get through this.
Thanks SB. I am glad to have her at my side while we navigate this course. I couldn't do it without her. I just wish we weren't taking this trip!
Quote: I know I've complained about this before and most responses were along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect them to do? Tell you?" Um, yes. Or at the very least force her to fess up.
You know, only two people (other than OM) knew about my W's infidelity. They were two girlfriends...both of which I'd kind of expect to tell me. Thing is, had they told me, it would have been a D. If it wasn't a D, then I'd have to go through what Floyd is going through now where his W hasn't yet come around...and given my mental state at the time, I don't think I could handle it with as much grace as he has/is. So, for me, it was just better that I didn't know. Mentally, I wasn't in a place where I could have accepted what she was doing. If I confronted her while in the throes of her A, then my anger would have likely driven her to bail. The time I didn't know gave me time to grow myself... This time also gave my W an opportunity to really think about what she was doing.
Perhaps try and look at it a different way, SBH. I know it bugs, but, if I was in their position, I would not have said anything knowing that I could be breaking up a family. You see?
I am positive that people knew about my W's A that I would have expected to tell me if they knew. Im sure SIL is one of them. I had a friend that saw my W and the possible OM (I say possible, because I dont actually know if he is the one or not) at a bar and it took him almost a month to come out and tell me. He is my brothers best friend and he called him first to see if my B thought he should tell me. My B even told him that he didnt know if he would do that or not. His reason was because he knew how much pain it would put me through. Well he told me anyway and yup, it hurt. He told me he saw my W kissing this guy (W still denies it). Well, eventhough Jethro seems to hold me in high regards for how well I have handled it, I was at a point at one time that I would loved to have kicked his butt. Still despise the man. If I had, I would be in your exact position right now. He is a lawyer, so I know I would have been sued. In all honesty, at the time, I wouldnt have cared. It would have been worth it, and to be honest again, I kind of still feel that way.
Anyway, Im rambling past my point. I agree with Jethro. Just like my B was unsure if I should know or not because it would hurt me, I am sure that the people you expected would have said something to you were thinking the same thing.
Hang in there my friend. You will make it thru this. Even if you have to give up every physical posession, you will still have each other, and it looks to me like SAM is right there with you, to hold each other thru this mess.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Maybe it's just that noone feels as though they can offer advice 'cause you're doing so great?? 
