Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Where to start. I have read so many posts over the past few days.

One month ago, my W said she wanted a separation: I was shocked. I got the I care for you, but don't love you talk. We have been strained for a few years, and over the last year, we threatened separation, but we tried to work on it. We got lost in our marriage and brining up our kids D20 S19 and forgot about ourselves. I felt nagged, she felt I didn't validate her feelings. We are in counseling and then the bomb drops: she has OM! My world crumbled before my eyes, heart torn in half. She has been seeing him for 11 months. I travel a great deal, so it was easy to hide. I felt her pulling away for a the last couple of years, but tried to fix things the old fashion way. Although she says she has not talked to this person for about a month now, the EA is still going on. She did admit that last week she did call him and that was the only time she has. She still thinks there is a chance with him. Although everybody says this is textbook; he is going to leave his W, she is going to leave M and they will live happily ever after.

I did all the wrong things to begin with: begged her not to do this, all the good years far outweighed the bad years, I love her, why can't she love me back, etc.. You all get the picture. I even quickly forgave her for the OM. She is seeing a counselor and we go to couples counseling. She still insists that she cannot love me anymore because of all the hurt and disconnecting over the years. I found the DR book while on a trip and loved what I read; so many success stories. I am hopeful, and that is enough for me right now.

I made one more big mistake before I decided to start the DBing; in a way, it was a 180 as I rarely talk about why I am upset. So I spilled it all: I was upset at the affair, at me for putting her in that situation, for not doing things together, etc. I then told her I am going to back way off.

So this is the second month of the worst time in my life. When I got home from the gym last night, we had a casual conversation about our kids and her car, and I went upstairs to write in my journal. I went to bed to read (she is in the guest room for the past month) and said I would not say goodnight to her, even though I am leaving the next morning for a business trip. Of course I buckled because my insides were just tearing me up. But I am not going to call her while on this trip and when I talk, I only get myself in trouble.

I need advice and help: I am totally lost. I have read the book twice and putting goals together. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced and am dedicated to making this work out.

From all the stories, it is not too late. She said she is going down the D path, which makes me ill. So any advice, help, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

M - 46
W - 47
M - 23 Y
T - 26 Y
S - 19
D - 20
Bomb 3/18/08