Honey, I was NOT proud of the revelation. It is painful to admit that I am so weak and so stupid. Well, maybe not stupid, but unaware. I've always sought to be aware of myself & my emotions...through meditation, prayer, and then as a therapist...To admit that I am not is to admit that I have failed (thus far) at one of the most important goals I have had for myself...
I was excited to tell you because I thought you would be happy that I am admitting this stuff and figuring it out. It is humiliating to admit these things to you and then have you be so angry and accusatory. But that is part of the process. As Jethro said, at least I am admitting them so I can learn from them and not behave this way again.
I do not feel I "shouldn't" tell you these things. I just don't like feeling the humiliation when you are mad and don't seem to understand that these revelations mean I WILL NOT act inappropriately if these feelings come up again. Because I know from whence they come, and I will learn how to soothe the hurt feelings of having a Dad who didn't have the energy to enjoy life with me in more healthy & appropriate ways. I WILL keep telling you, because that is how we grow together.
Again, the humiliation is part of the process. I can take it, sometimes it just takes me a little while to recover from the backlash of admitting how flawed I am. Then I'm ready to keep working.
I love you very much. I want to help you, too...When you're ready & not so tired, I guess...?
