Hey SBH. Sorry to hear that you're down. Just give it time (yeah...I know, shut up...patience blah blah blah...).
Try and take comfort in the revelations your W has. Better that they are exposed and dealt with than linger underneath the surface festering. Right? I feel my W has similar issues to those of SBH-SAM, so I know where you're coming from; however, my W is "unaware" of these things, or if she is, she doesn't really acknowledge them.
Also, try and take care of yourself. You'll burn out if you don't take some SBH-time...try to rid your mind temporarily of the difficulties of late. Hike a mountain, go for a bike ride, or take a long walk.
Honey, I was NOT proud of the revelation. It is painful to admit that I am so weak and so stupid. Well, maybe not stupid, but unaware. I've always sought to be aware of myself & my emotions...through meditation, prayer, and then as a therapist...To admit that I am not is to admit that I have failed (thus far) at one of the most important goals I have had for myself...
I was excited to tell you because I thought you would be happy that I am admitting this stuff and figuring it out. It is humiliating to admit these things to you and then have you be so angry and accusatory. But that is part of the process. As Jethro said, at least I am admitting them so I can learn from them and not behave this way again.
I do not feel I "shouldn't" tell you these things. I just don't like feeling the humiliation when you are mad and don't seem to understand that these revelations mean I WILL NOT act inappropriately if these feelings come up again. Because I know from whence they come, and I will learn how to soothe the hurt feelings of having a Dad who didn't have the energy to enjoy life with me in more healthy & appropriate ways. I WILL keep telling you, because that is how we grow together.
Again, the humiliation is part of the process. I can take it, sometimes it just takes me a little while to recover from the backlash of admitting how flawed I am. Then I'm ready to keep working.
I love you very much. I want to help you, too...When you're ready & not so tired, I guess...?
I think Sam explained herself very well in her last post. There's a big difference between being "proud" of an unconscious pattern revealed and being "excited" about finally having it made conscious.
I have to agree with her that in KNOWING what drives us, we gain incredible control over those triggers. This is GOOD stuff, Sad. Probably just harder to take right now as you haven't had the chance to properly deal with all of your issues yet.
thanks for considering me a part of the select few, shiny.
i admitted to sam that proud wasn't the correct word to use. i am happy with her self discoveries...i just wish...well you know.
i'm the one who is insecure now...so hard to get past this...so hard to trust...
i am certain we will be fine when this is all over and i know we need to learn as much as we can from this terrible experience in order to build a stronger marriage. sometimes i hate going to c because i just relive everything over again. i guess that's why i was angry she kept coffee-man from me. i am proud of her, though, for being able to raise that boundery when she needed to. she is working very hard to fix things and i am happy about that.
Hi, guys - dfb - your comment, short and sweet, has been another good reality check for me. I am noticing that it is, indeed, an insecurity thing when I look at times I have thought about other men being around me. I just feel so disgusted with myself when I look at these issues. But, they are becoming easier and easier to deal with, the more I understand the motivation. They become just normal blips on the screen, rather than big huge emotional deals that have to be hashed out with SBH or therapist or whatever...
SBH - thanks for being so understanding and supportive - you're the greatest!
I've noticed a lot of uncertainty on the bb of late. Seems like I am in good company. Not only are there issues of trust that must be dealt with, but what about the anger or resentment? What do you do with the feeling that somebody has to pay! Vindication, right Jethro? Shiny, why do you still have things to remind you of the past? Do you want to maybe (even just a little) someday flash those emails at CJ and say "Look what you put me through! You owe me!" Even LL is having doubts regarding the authenticity about the affections sent her way.
If not for sage to kick us and whack us with a 2x4 we would all probably be nuts! Hell, maybe we are.
Thing is, does anyone think it is more than coincidence that a lot of us are feeling these doubts at the same time? Why do you suppose that is? Are we feeding off of each other? No, I don't think so.
I sent an email to sam beating myself up saying: If I were around more then sam would never have strayed. If I showed more affection then sam would never have strayed. If I made more money then sam would never have strayed. If I were better looking then sam would never have strayed. If I had an exciting job then sam would never have strayed. If I had a better body then sam would not have strayed. etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
It is so damn hard to get past the hurt from being betrayed. I want to blame myself, my wife, her other men, my truck, society and everything else! Yet, I do not think this is a bad thing. Are we collectively screwed up?
Well, probably, but we are all of us in a similar place because we have been working so hard dbing. All of us have seen each other's successes, and failures. We have helped each other through some rough experiences. Given each a cyber pat on the shoulder to say, "Hey, I know, man. This sucks, but I'm here for ya."
I know i'm rambling but I think there is a point in here somewhere...We are having these doubts because we are at a point where we are supposed to be. Because of our work dbing, our marriages have dramatically improved from this time last year or since the bombs have dropped. We have their attention and it is a lot like when we first fell in love with our spouses. Well, maybe not the physical part but certainly the "do I really love this person and can I trust him/her?" All over again. We are supposed to be scared. Like it or not, we have built some walls to protect ourselves and our spouses will just have to help us take them down.
We are all at the same place because it is part of the process; we are where we are supposed to be. This doesn't mean we should stop our dbing efforts at all. If anything it's full steam ahead!
The failures that were our marriages are just an opportunities to try again with more information.
gosh i hate it when i get all optimistic, make no sense, and sound corny...
but certainly the "do I really love this person and can I trust him/her?" All over again. We are supposed to be scared. Like it or not, we have built some walls to protect ourselves and our spouses will just have to help us take them down.
