Hey SBH. Sorry it's been a bit more difficult lately. I have to agree with the ladies about the OM#1, in that you are simply now at a place to process that situation as you've already done with OM#2.
I believe your reaction is absolutely normal. Occasionally I'll remember something my W said to me during her year of belligerence that was very hurtful, or it was a clue as to what was going on, and it gets me down. I remember it, think about it and get upset, process it, then add it to the frayed bundle of emotional yarn stuck in my chest.
The more time that goes by for me, the more I realize it's time that will help heal all of this junk. Don't push away your emotions, SBH. Experience them, then let them go. Over time it will get easier. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
I see LL has been taking fine care of you, Sad . I mean really, really good stuff there LL .
I hate to see you hurting this way, Sad. It's kind of weird for me...I'm starting to think that I'm "getting over this" too fast. OW#1 is barely a sketch to me, never bothered me as much because he wasn't leaving me for her.
I just find the thoughts coming less and less. Still there, but not so gut wrenching.
Wait..I've done it again! Promise to hop on board for just a few minutes to check on you....and then I hijack your thread. Sorry Sad!
Everyone here has been taking good care of me. Thanks to all. Perhaps I am in a better place where I can process one affair independent of the other. That's good, right? The 2nd A now means a great deal less to me than before, but the 1st A is now bothering me. The 2nd affair, which was emotional as well as sexual, happened right on the heels of the first and I was under the impression that Sam had taken some time between the affairs in an attempt to take a step back and look at the whole picture. She didn't. That hurt to learn. On Wednesday she told the firefighter goodbye and on that Friday, two days later, she started the relationship with the computer salseman and "fell in love."
She stated didn't take the first affair seriously while it was happening, and had the affair in order to save our marriage. Wha-? She felt it was ok because she knew she wasn't going to leave me and just needed someone else to say nice things to her. Double wha-?
So the first affair was safe for her because she knew that the OM wasn't going to leave his wife and therefore could just be superficial. Yet two days later she is in the arms of another man who was almost able to convince her to divorce me because she loved him! The two reasons for the affairs couldn't be more polarized.
Answers and comments to you responses follow:
Quote: possibly because they are two sepearte events...two seperate people...seperate circumstances... possibly the fact that you have been asked to say nothing to om#1
Not being able to respond in any way to OM1 does bother me. At the very least I want to tell him what a low life he is for interfering in another man's marriage. Is honor a thing of the past? I can only imagine him telling his firefighter buddies the therapy he was receiving!
Quote: you didn't allow the a's to happen sam did...you allowed the m to get to a place were it would be a possiblity.
Correct. Sam told me the other day that I made her feel the same as she did when this all began because I critisized how messy our house is. I'm working on that. Somewhere in the "5 languages of love book," I realized that my language (partially) is that I am a giver, a doer. I do things to show my love. This also means I can be insensitive to someone who is sometime unable to do the same.
Quote: trust is going to take time...try just giving the benefit of the doubt for now.
I know and I will.
Quote: in re to not being able to carry that good feeling from the weekend over to today??? perhaps the fear that it's not real??
Probably. I have the same fear Sam does; I am afraid to get close again because I don't want to get hurt again. But I also fear that if I don't get over this soon, I'm going to lose her.
Quote: why are you not proud to be you..why are you embarrassed to be you???
My health. My depression. The fact that I abused pain meds and allowed my wife to slip away.
Quote: are you mad that you didn't detect it after the first one??? Are you angry at w for not recognizing herself how dire the sitch was if she was unfaithful not once but twice? Are you thinking -- ok, I can forgive a lapse in judgement (1 affair) but somehow 2 affairs seems more conscious somehow? what do you REALLY feel mad/upset about
everything you just said, i think. just haven't been able to put my finger on it.
Quote: (I) FEAR -- that I'm going to get sucked into something and end up getting hurt all over again.
yes. and no. I see how ashamed she is and I believe it will never happen again...but my being so blinded by my belief that she, of all people, could never do that to me prevented me from seeing little things that could have stopped the affairs.
Quote: ...I vacillate between extremes -- feeling guilty about all the things I did to negatively impact this m, then strong and secure in knowing I can fix them, then angry as hell that NOTHING can justify what h did and then again and again. Honestly? It really has abated a lot for me in TIME.
I feel the same way exactly. And on my low days, like today, I cling to my belief that time will heal the wounds (due in no small part to the fact that EVERYONE here says it will).
Quote: I really think that your current feelings are totally understandable...I also think that you're on the right track thinking, asking, etc. about them!
Thanks, that helps. I just wish I could speed up the process. I think Sam is tired of me bringing it up when she doesn't have the energy to help.
Quote: one thing that may help is to realize that despite all that has happend "sam" is with you...loves you...and is working toward making the m work.
I have not and I will not lose sight of that, I promise. I am fortunate, I know.
Quote: we all want to depend on our spouse to make up for the hurt...to say the right words to make it go away...to do the right things to ease the pain..but the truth is no matter how many of the right words they use or the right things they do in the end these are our feelings, our issues and we must face them and work through them on our own taking any good words..good weekends etc...as extras but not what we depend on to get us to where we need to be.
I hate it when you're right I am trying.
Quote: I'll remember something my W said to me during her year of belligerence that was very hurtful, or it was a clue as to what was going on, and it gets me down.
Me too. I have been trying to concentrate on a certain event or words spoken hard enough and repeat them enough, over and over, as a way to take away their power. This is the treatment used for post traumatic stress disorder. It isn't working, so I don't reccomend anyone doing the same.
Quote: Over time it will get easier. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Thanks. I hear you. I'll do it if you do.
Quote: I just find the thoughts coming less and less. Still there, but not so gut wrenching.
I sometimes feel this way, which is why I know time will heal my pain. And Shiny, you can hijack my thread anytime. Sam is over in her own thread now, "Saving Myself." She could probably use a pick me up too.
And Sam, I had a great weekend with you. Thanks. I love you.
Oh, I need to ask: does anyone know how to NOT db for a month? Our MC seems to think I need to give the relationship work a rest and just be. I don't know if I can...
Quote: Oh, I need to ask: does anyone know how to NOT db for a month? Our MC seems to think I need to give the relationship work a rest and just be. I don't know if I can...
don't look at it as NOT dbing...simply look at it as giving yourself a mini vacation from thinking about everything..analyzing everything...and putting every action...word...statement etc...through that wringer of "is this going to get me closer to my goals" etc...
and for a while just "act as if" everything with your m is just fine and dandy.
Quote: I don't know if I can...
course ya can!! you can do anything you put your mind to!! and when you "can't" you just come right here and vent it out and we'll give ya a whack back into shape!!
Hey SBH. I've had to do this recently because my DBing intensity was not only stressing me out because I had high expections for myself, but I was projecting this intensity onto my W. For me it just happened slowly... I first started by trying not to analyze every little thing my W was doing. It might also help if you got yourself busy with something else...a big project for the house... It'll get your mind working on something else. It won't happen overnight, but it'll slowly kick in.
I have no idea if the similarities in CJ's pattern of A's is of any help at all, but he did the EXACT same thing.
(Perhaps if you're reading CJ you could chime in?...I don't think he's around much here folks).
His first A started as a friendship, he knew he was unhappy, took it too far but realized after their first physical encounters that it was "wrong" and wouldn't help our M. (Which, I assume, didn't really occur to him before this???). But right on the heels of that rather rational and good decision, he "fell in love" with OW #2...the one he was ready to run off to.
I don't know, Sad. It happens. Do what you need to to process and work through these new feelings about A #1. I wonder if I'll ever need to do that? It's always been the lesser concern for me.
ok, i'm back. having a low pma day. c sessions have been difficult of late. i have been backing off while sam catches her breath. she was proud of the revelation she received from her counselor: she has an unhealthy desire for attention from men. i am glad that a definite problem has been revealed; knowing the problem is half the battle, right? but her having this problem makes me uncomfortable. it isn't hard to determine where this need for attention comes from, and so the problem can be solved. i guess i'm just afraid someday she will want such attention again. she wasn't happy that i didn't share her enthusiasm about the discovery. now she feels she shouldn't tell me of such things because she fears upsetting, hurting, or angering me. i don't want to be left out and i want to be supportive...
i don't know. i'm just ramblin'. thanks all for helping her. she is a good person and deserves to be happy. she and i admit that neither is doing enough to help me get past the past but i keep telling her my time will come. her needs are more pressing, i think. i'm not a martyr...i'm just tired.
. I mean really, really good stuff there LL 
.
I'm working on that. Somewhere in the "5 languages of love book," I realized that my language (partially) is that I am a giver, a doer. I do things to show my love. This also means I can be insensitive to someone who is sometime unable to do the same. 
I am trying.
