Married 7 years, 2 kids, D age 4 and S age 6 - my wife one day came home and said she wanted to divorce. Maybe we discussed few days, but to me seems like that in around a week we turned from a very happy couple (this is what I was thinking about us) to have -been served the divorce papers. I went trough all the stage, first denial, I was very sure this wasn't really happening, I was actually JOKING about it, then when I realized it was true I got desperate, really desperate, I pleaded, promised, begged, obviously with no use. All this started between Christmas and New Year Eve, I don't remember well, but I remember I had a happy Christmas and a miserable New year Eve..... I should have been tipped by the fact that my Christmas present was a t-shirt AND wrong size! - but at the time it didn't bother me.... this just to say how blind I was. Then I had to accept, but I also had to understand. I did a lot of soul searching, I understood I made many many MANY mistakes. Unfortunately is late, but I hope not too late. It turned out, my wife is dating somebody at her job, I have no idea when this relation started, but W introduced the guy to the kids and my D has a big mouth and she started talking to me about this guy and his big dog, etc etc. My guess is it has been going on for sometime. Anyway I didn't inquire but I let D talk, I had to bite my tongue, I didn't want to use my D as a detective, so I just listened while my heart went to the floor. In this 3 months W never ever ever showed she is thinking to come back with me. I moved out, but I am very close to my kids, so I can stay close to them when they need me. The relation with W I'm having now is friendly, she is making changes in the house and she asks for advices... I ALWAYS say she is doing a great job. I call her only to know when I can see the kids, and I never ever talk about our relation. She doesn't seem to regret, even though a couple of time she asked how come I am so fine, I answered I have my moments but I keep myself busy and I'm trying to move on..... she said good, so we are both fine. Once I was joking and playing with the kids and very bothered she asked me "why was I so happy" I said I was just playing with the kids nothing else.... this was probably a week or two ago. Since then no sign of improvements - Two weeks ago she also asked me to rub her feet and stay to watch TV together, like we use to do, I did it and I was very happy because was one of my goals, I kept anyway the poker face and left before I was asked to, she was very sad. I learned anyway that the day after she went out with OM, so that was a hard hit to my hopes.
I made a series of points to see how I am doing, please somebody tell me if they make sense:
1) She doesn't want to talk to me 2) We talk but we fight a lot 3) we don't fight and we are friendly but no sign of interest (this is where I am now) 4) She asks me to spend time with her, and NOT because of the kids - but still no real sign of interest (this is where I thought I was last week when she asked me to watch TV) 5) She gives me a small present, or she shows up all dressed , the point is she is showing a sign that she is trying to catch my attention 6)She actually talks about our relation and the possibility to go back together (wow that would be something) 7)She wants to go back together and she says she is ready to work with me to save our marriage 8)We are officially back together, but we still have some problems 9)We are out of the crisis - sure that we want to be married and enjoy our wonderful family. 10)Our relation has never been so good. We learned a lot about each other and we see what happened as an opportunity to grow as a family, no resentments.
Right now everything seems in a stall, but I know that life is always moving, something is happening, I just can't see it.
I'll keep improving my life, the changes I need to make unfortunately require some time, but I started, I hope W is going to notice, she once said too little too late, I hope is not true.... I know is not true for me.
I am thinking at what I wrote and I have a question - should I confront OM? Put some stress under his belt? Is it going to backfire? Or should I just stay put? Any experience with that? Thank you very much
1. Why did you move out? It is YOUR house too, right? 2. Why do you think your W will want to be with ONLY you when she is getting the best of both worlds right now? She is getting her OM, and she is getting you to rub her feet. 3. Does your wife work? How is she getting the money to pay for the house you moved out of? 4. Why are you letting her take YOUR kids around OM? 5. Is the OM married?
Don't confront the other man. It is tempting, but will get you no where. there are other ways to apply pressure, if you are interested.
I know that I have been back and forth on the moving out part. I go along telling myself that I'm not going anywhere and then, bam, something happens that gets me thinking of moving out. Good counsel from friends and here on the site, now has be thinking that I ain't going nowhere. If she wants out, then she can go. I have made the point that if she does leave, it will be without the kids. Not negotiable, anymore. I know emotions play a big part in it all. I never realized how emotional that I could really be after all this began. Truly amazing.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Hi guys, thank you for your reply - I appreciate a lot - Why did I go out of the house? - Because right now I have some economical problems, my business has been struggling lately and I can afford only a small place, while my wife makes a good 6 figures so she can easily afford the place we were living in. Plus I think for the kids would have been much more traumatic if she was the one living, and I don't want to put them through a move. I know to them it seems I am the one living, while I am the one kicked out, but I still think for them is better this way. Today I blew it - I told W I don't think she should introduce to the kids to OM just few weeks after I moved out - they are going through enough already - she said the just met "by chance" at the park and the kids have no idea - so why is my D so eager to tell me everything? We ended up fighting, so I give to this day a 2. I thought I could digest the fact my wife is seeing somebody, but it is supertough - hearing her saying she likes this guy, with him is going to be different bla bla bla bla - I couldn't take it . I said GO WITH THIS GUY - WHO CARES - I DON'T WANT YOU ANYWAY - YOU ARE DISGUSTING ME - and that is what I was feeling... Before that she was trying to engage in a friendly converastion, but I couldn't, I was too bothered. I think I have to see her as least as possible now. I miss my family but I am disgusted with what is happening - I don't know if I would be ever able to forgive. I am very sorry for my kids
I don't know much about OM - beside what D4 told me - "He works with mommy and has no kids and he has a nice big dog", my wife is thinking to have a "new life" with this guy, so I would guess he is single.
What are the other ways to put pressure on this guy? I would have thought two small kids were enough, but it doesn't look like.
W just called my phone - I didn't answer - she left a message she is sorry about our fight - I guess she really wants the best of two words - My plan is not to be the "friend" she is going to talk when she is going to have problems with OM and cuddling her while she is engaged in another relation. No more feet rubbing -
Sorry to hear about your situation, ROP. I'm going through something almost identical (we all still live under the same roof, however). I see that you are local to my area as well.
Yikes, DMB and Hope4Us, I just now read your advice here. I did the very thing you advised against: to not confront the OM. You may read about it in my thread.
I don't know much about OM - beside what D4 told me - "He works with mommy and has no kids and he has a nice big dog", my wife is thinking to have a "new life" with this guy, so I would guess he is single.
What are the other ways to put pressure on this guy? I would have thought two small kids were enough, but it doesn't look like.
If they work together, I'm sure the HR dept at their work would be interested. Don't know what kind of work they do. You said your wife makes good $$. Is she a boss of any kind? Is this guy her boss or is your wife his boss? Most companies frown on this kind of thing. Sets them up for all kinds of lawsuits.
It's pretty drastic, but you could send a letter to her work stating what is going on and leave them to do their own "investigation". If you do send a letter to work, send it certified to HR and someone else higher up at the company so one person can't brush it under the rug. If you do it, just state the facts of the relationship. Puppy Dog Tails can probably give you more advise on this as I think he did this in his sitch. I haven't gone there yet. What ever you do in this regard, don't do it in haste.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
