Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

[saffie]

lwb - don't put yourself down - I'm a chick too!!!!

[Hope4us]

LWB, Saffie, Keep on posting. I want more "chick" opinions. What better people to tell me what's going on in my WW's head than another woman.

Stupid thing here. Last night was good, because it was bad. WW was in a pissy mood most of the night. When I got home she was walking down the driveway to get the mail and I said "hi" and she ignored me. There was a clip on the news about the most recent Obama/Clinton barbs and one person said he thought Clinton was blowing what Obama said out of perportion. WW said "I agree". I said to her, "what did he say, I haven't heard?" and WW ignored me. The rest of the night was very quiet. When I went to bed I told her "goodnight" and she ignored me again.

How pathetic is that. You're happy when your WW treats you like crap. But I guess it's an indication that NC may be in place, so I'll take it.

[Doing_My_Best]

So, how do you know when WW's good mood REALLY is a good mood b/c of you or your R? I have no idea. I guess you will KNOW when the time is right. But I am with you H4U, whenever my WW is hissy and snake toungued, I like it.

I am doing a better job (most days) at laughing my a$s off at her (on the inside only, not externally) because of the sheer pathetic nature of her addiction. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at these waywards.

Plus, if she REALLY didn't want to be there, if she REALLY wanted a divorce, if she REALLY wanted to run off the OM, if she REALLY knew what she was doing was RIGHT, she would have left by now, right?

Seems like waywards lack what must of us have found... courage..

You are doing great H4U.

[Hope4us]

That's the hard one DMB. I just know when I exposed WW's STD that she was in a really pissy mood for a number of weeks and all the sudden she was really up beat. And she started wearing her "affair" undies again, which sent up the red flag with me. That's when I found their planned (or hoped for) meet up. That's when I exposed to the kids.

I guess I feel that if there is truly NC, that her moods will swing greatly (from what I've heard/read). She will slowly begin to come out of it. But her going from pissy one day to very nice/up beat the next three days, and with the other indicators, it just added up.

So, what does that do for us? That's the million $$ question. How do you know if her good mood is because of contact or she's coming out of it? I'm sure you've noticed some things that your wife did/does when she's been in contact. Watch for those. That's what I'm doing. ACTIONS, not WORDS.

[kat727]

Maybe this is a crazy idea, but go dim with her. You don't need to try to fill any voids of dead air. Just go about your home as if everything is good with you. If she iniates contact, then sure talk to her. Don't drag it out, just answer the question at hand. Let her do the work. Women are great talkers afterall. When I was upset with my H yesterday about my car, money etc., he was trying to give all sorts of solutions. All I really needed/wanted him to say is "I know you are under alot of stress right now. Take a deep breath and everything is going to be ok. Maybe I can help you take care of x, will that help?" Get the idea?
Hang in there.
kat

[Hope4us]

oh, I am Kat. I really only try to engage her early after I've got home. If she's not responsive, then I don't say much the rest of the night. If she talks, I respond, but that's about it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hope,

There's nothing that says you have to tolerate outright RUDENESS or DISRESPECT as she goes thru withdrawal. Moodiness, yes; rudeness and disrespect, no.

The next time she ignores you, I would say "Look, I know you're angry with me now, but I don't appreciate being ignored. You don't have to carry on a conversation with me if you don't want to, but I'd appreciate a direct answer to a direct question."

Or something like that.

I had to do that with my wife. She would then say "Oh, I an more than 'angry' with you -- I AM LIVID." And I'd say "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed at me, too. But it doesn't give you the right to be rude to the family."

[kat727]

I mean don't even engage her. Say hi to son or just a general hi. Don't ask her anything, don't start anything just go about as if you were self sufficient, not waiting for her to do something( which you sooo are.) Try it with that slight variation, give it a day or two and see what happens.
kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup, Kat.

Pup, I refuse to give her the time of day if she's ignoring my direct questions, or greetings. I just kind of snicker inside that it's unfrickinbelievable that she can be that way. I mean, she has done this and I don't care how bad she makes the marriage out to be before her affair (which is BS as anyone who knows us knows), nothing I've done deserves this, so I refuse to engage her.

Kat, I hear what you are saying, but I want to meet her needs for conversation if she's in THAT kind of mood, so I try to talk to her soon after I'm home and see if she's willing to talk. If not, I don't initiate anything after that. Maybe I should just not say a single word to her when I get home, but I just feel like that takes me down to her level and at this point, I really don't care to demean MYSELF any further by playing her little game. I know that sounds contridictory, but it makes sense to me.

This is a part of me that seriously wonders if she'll ever be able to give me what I need to heal in this marriage. Hopefully someone can tell me that when NC has been in place for a while she'll begin to see more clearly and she'll respond, but at this moment, I can see becoming the WAS VERY EASILY, if she doesn't start making the effort soon.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pup, I refuse to give her the time of day if she's ignoring my direct questions, or greetings. I just kind of snicker inside that it's unfrickinbelievable that she can be that way. I mean, she has done this and I don't care how bad she makes the marriage out to be before her affair (which is BS as anyone who knows us knows), nothing I've done deserves this, so I refuse to engage her.

H4U,

The problem with responding to her disrespectful and rude comments or actions with SILENCE, rather than calling her on them, is that she can easily mistake what you feel is "quiet detachment" with "fear," which feeds her already-strong sense of ENTITLEMENT.

I'm not saying it's fear, but I'm saying SHE can mistake it for such.

Now, NO ONE wants to have to go around in constant conflict, and I didn't either, but what I AM suggesting is that if you'll mix in even 10% boundary-establishing darts like the ones I suggest above, then you can still refuse to engage her the other 90% of the time and your message will have been received.

In fact, I'd be willing to bet that after you do it just TWICE, she will never ignore you again. Wanna bet???

Puppy