Maybe we are peace - ing our marriage together

[sage]

My 2 cents....JMHO, of course

a little help here? why do i now see sam's two affairs as seperate instead of one big problem like i used to? why am i now more angry about the first affair? is it because i kicked the OM#2's a$$ and have been asked not to say anything to OM#1? why don't i see the two affairs as being the same problem anymore? why was i so stupid as to allow this to happen in the first place? I forgave Sam for her transgressions and I meant it. But today, i feel i can forgive, but not trust. why can't this be easy?

Well, because for a while you were dealing with the idea that your w was unfaithful (lumps the two a's together) and now that you've processed that to a certain point it makes sense to me that you'd distinguish between the two -- you're beating yourself up a bit ("so stupid...") -- certainly unfairly -- for it happening in the first place -- are you mad that you didn't detect it after the first one??? Are you angry at w for not recognizing herself how dire the sitch was if she was unfaithful not once but twice? Are you thinking -- ok, I can forgive a lapse in judgement (1 affair) but somehow 2 affairs seems more conscious somehow? I'm not trying to add fuel to the fire (really) -- what do you REALLY feel mad/upset about?

We had a great time together this weekend. why can't i carry that feeling with me today. maybe my meds are off. maybe it's something else. i am so tired of trying to be the good guy where i ask myself all of the time, "is this going to help me save my marriage, or lose it?"

This happens to me a lot, actually. Someone on the boards suggested that I start feeling badly when things are going well because I'm still blaming h. I think some of it for me is also about REAL FEAR -- that I'm going to get sucked into something and end up getting hurt all over again.

i am me. i am not proud of it, and i am sometimes embarrassed by it, but this is what i am. i didn't deserve this. then i get angry with myself for my self pity. then i get angry that i am angry because i have a right to be angry. I am confused and discouraged. my roller coaster lows are lower than before and my highs higher. Why should i believe it will get better? why should i believe everything is ok, (not she proisised to love me only anyway?

I can totally understand this whirlwind of emotions -- I was telling c last night that I vacillate between extremes -- feeling guilty about all the things I did to negatively impact this m, then strong and secure in knowing I can fix them, then angry as hell that NOTHING can justify what h did and then again and again. Honestly? It really has abated a lot for me in TIME. As for the highs and lows -- I think that once the highs get higher, it makes the lows look much lower -- In my sitch, I don't think anything's gotten lower but it sure can feel that way coming off the high.

I really think that your current feelings are totally understandable...I also think that you're on the right track thinking, asking, etc. about them!

Sage