a little help here? why do i now see sam's two affairs as seperate instead of one big problem like i used to? why am i now more angry about the first affair? is it because i kicked the OM#2's a$$ and have been asked not to say anything to OM#1? why don't i see the two affairs as being the same problem anymore? why was i so stupid as to allow this to happen in the first place? I forgave Sam for her transgressions and I meant it. But today, i feel i can forgive, but not trust. why can't this be easy?
We had a great time together this weekend. why can't i carry that feeling with me today. maybe my meds are off. maybe it's something else. i am so tired of trying to be the good guy where i ask myself all of the time, "is this going to help me save my marriage, or lose it?"
i am me. i am not proud of it, and i am sometimes embarrassed by it, but this is what i am. i didn't deserve this. then i get angry with myself for my self pity. then i get angry that i am angry because i have a right to be angry. I am confused and discouraged. my roller coaster lows are lower than before and my highs higher. Why should i believe it will get better? why should i believe everything is ok, (not she proisised to love me only anyway?
Anyway, that's where we are. I still am desprate to lovr her again.
