Oh, that's being so mean. Besides isn't it a worse crime if you don't do things, like clean and cook and have sex, than if you actively do things like rob a bank or commit murder?
You sound great! I agree with all that's been said. Especially that your confusion is the conflict between your H's lame agenda and your life. I too say that you wanting to move on wouldn't make this your fault at all. Your family knows this.. your H's family knows, your friends, and unfortunately, D4 would realize it too someday. He can say what he wants, but his actions tell the real story to everyone that's looking in.
You are right where I was the second time J and I separated. I'm happy that you're moving into a position of strength for yourself and D4. This is going to change your life forever if you embrace it. I promise.. you keep realizing what you need and deserve and start accepting not less than that and you'll never enable H's (or anyone elses!) problems to take over your life. J said after we reconciled that I needed to take the wall down. What he was experiencing was "Sheila with boundaries". We've moved past that and onto a better R built on respect and love. It's nice to know that I don't need anyone to be a whole happy person. It sounds like you're discovering that too. Yes, it can be lonely, but even feeling genuinely lonely and accepting that is better than feeling needy and clingy for someone who hurts us so much.
Hope you've had a good weekend Don't you ever feel guilty for moving towards strenght and health in your life. You deserve so, so much more than just a healthy existence. No guilt for having enough of his crap...k?
Don't blame anyone. Not yourself, not your husband, not even OW (even though all of us would prefer to bean our OW with cherry pies). Your H was just vulnerable, stupid, and decided he wasn't happy, and needed to make changes. You keep working on being a fabulous woman regardless of what he says or does, and wish him happiness (even though we all know eventually he's going to wake up and want to chew his arm off for how stupid he was... oh well...).
Take care sweetie. You are too valuable.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Everything I said I meant, and it was from my heart.
I hope you are feeling better. Im sorry you are lonely... I know what you mean about doing things yourself.. my H is working a lot and never here so I end up doing things myself, its just easier than if I wait for him..Believe me I have a laundry list of things that need to be done, but these are things I can't do.
Anyways, my point is, I know you are independent, but it IS nice to have someone take care of you,I think we all feel like that now and again.
Keep yourself busy, leaving no time to begin feeling bad. That's what I try and do (doesn't always work) but It keeps my mind going. I know in May I will be crying the blues to you when H leave for the west, so I will look to you guys then
Your strong, and I know this will pass, and it will get easier.
love to you..
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I didn't realize that I hadn't been on since Thursday the 10th. I guess I'll have to go back a little bit and respond to some comments.
TAL- Don't get me wrong. I did cry at your comments, but not in a bad way. You were so sweet.
Dr. Love....I would LOVE to bring my van by. LO mentioned that she mentioned to a guy at work about putting a headlight bulb in her vehicle. It was like a Deja Vu kind of thing. A few years ago, my tail light was out. I mentioned it to H. No response. Since I'm such a freak about the possibility of getting pulled over for those things, I went to an auto part store and they helped me pick out the right bulb. I was also telling a co-worker about it. He came to my desk at lunch with tools in his hand and said.....Let's go Sue. Let's get the light changed. Took him 2 minutes!!
Yoyo......thank you!
Rob - Thank you too. I do think that my H was shocked that I wasn't bending to his plans again and just jumping to go to Chicago. As far as OW, I don't know why I didn't see her as a MLC'er before your comment. That is soooo her. Her flip-flopping about what she wants....going for the "bad boy", spending beyond their means, wanting to live "her" life...etc. It all fits. Apparently she's taken H's bait once again. The emails, phone calls...etc... have all increased in the past few days. Apparently H has once again pulled her back in. Thank you for telling me that I sound clear headed. I haven't felt this clear about a lot of things in a long time. As always, your comments & support are very helpful for me.
Joie- Thanks for the email. I REALLY appreciated it. I had a very long response typed out for you today and Poof!, gone. Something happened to it.
LO- It does make me sad that I can't rely on my H to take care of me. A friend of mine today said that she's amazed at how much effort he's putting into keeping OW and that if he'd just put 1/2 that effort into our M, we'd be doing okay. And LO, I'm not the only one that will find someone.....you too!
Root- I learned very early in this A that my H's A had nothing to do with how I looked. As much as I hate to admit it, I did not set boundaries with my H. And, my H crossed every one of them...in leaps and bounds. His H was the first one you described....slow...working together...support...friendship...etc.
Karen - I'm in your shoes. I also changed SO much of what H said was wrong. It did no good. You are right.....let's no longer blame ourselves.
Hi Sara!!
Sheila- You are right. Those that are close to us do know the real story of what's been going on. His friends joke with me often asking why I'm still with him....some of them are serious. I'll email you soon. I hope you and the family are well.
One question for everyone. Where is Mark & how is he doing. Okay, so that's 2 questions!!
A bit of Journaling............ Friday - A busy day. I got a TON accomplished and was able to cross a bunch of things off my list here at work. The nagging things that needed to be done. H went out Friday night. He stopped by home first. If you all recall his incident around Easter when he went out with his brother, broke his nose & bled all over the place...... Well, he thought it was funny to tell D4 that it might be the kind of night where he busts his nose again. I kept my mouth shut but almost asked him if that included laying on his child AGAIN!! Unbelievable.
Saturday- H went to work and D4 and I hung out at home. It snowed on Sat and was a good "stay at home" day. H came home from work & fell asleep. I got a really bad migraine and was in bed from about 6:00 pm on. I've never had one before & this just knocked me out.
Sunday- Did some housework and then took D4 to the park & the store. We had a great time. H tossed the rental section of the paper at me and told me that I probably wanted to look at that. I told him that I'd already gone through it. I asked him about his plans. He didn't give me any time frame, but told me that he is going to be moving in with his friend (male). Turns out he's looking right in the same area I was looking in. Not sure if I want him that darn close. When I asked H about whether or not he'd have a roommate, his response was ....Of course, I can't afford to live on my own. I wish I could, but I can't. Wow, again, only thinking of himself. This man will have almost 1/2 the rent that I will have.
Observations.....As I said above, H appears to have pulled OW back into the mess of their A. He's back to being kind of a jerk to me and back on the emails....etc. So, my nervousness over wondering if H was thinking about coming back was very short lived. I forsee a very short lived "actual" relationship between H & OW. She's tried to break away at least 3 times. When reality hits, she'll she what she's done.
H will no longer get any breaks from me when he tells me that he can't afford something. I was going through the mail the other day. We both have a credit card from the same company. I opened his statement. Truly by accident. Charges for....$90.00-pills for him (from the pharmacy), $70...a cheap hotel room (on a night he came home very, very late)....etc. I could go on.
It's time to go pick up D4 from school.
Thanks again everyone! You're always here when I need you!!
-Sue
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Well, he thought it was funny to tell D4 that it might be the kind of night where he busts his nose again. I kept my mouth shut but almost asked him if that included laying on his child AGAIN!! Unbelievable.
Yeah, that is unbelievable! And does your H not realize how messed up that is to joke about a "bust your nose" kind of night with D4???
You mentioned you had a migraine today and think you may have mentioned them before. I used to get them almost constantly, started seeing a neurologist and spending over $100 a month on all kinds of migraine meds. I accidentally ran out shortly after H moved out and realized I wasn't getting them anymore; I have had one I think since H moved out and that was after a fight we had when he came over! I think H may have been causing some (most?) of my migraines! (Well, me not standing up to him also of course.) Karen
That is a warped reality to show to a child. My son went through really wild teen years living at home in a room adjacent to my daughter who was in high school, and a son in middle school. My younger son and daughter have terrible memories of those times. She kept her door locked at all times and rarely came out of her room. My younger son was reminding me last night that when older son was 19 he would come home with his face all bloody or with tire marks on his clothes. And there were never believable explanations for these things. One night older son tried to commit suicide drunk in someone's house 30 miles from us. He called on the house phone. I put my 11 year old on the phone with him to keep him talking while I called the police on my cell phone. The police wouldn't let me off the phone with them until they found my son, so the youner one had to keep talking for about an hour. This was just one night in the life of my 11 year old, talking his brother down from suicide. Really Sue, let him go. You deserve so much better.
Sue, the comment to D4 is totally something my H would have said. Peas in a pod. Or fools in a pod, shall I say!???
HUGS Sue, I am thinking about you.
How dare he throw the apartment ads at you. Sue, if this rude behavior is back to stay, is there somewhere you and D4 could go for a bit, or is there a way to get him out of the apartment before the lease is broken?
Karen- You know, I would imagine that all the stress that you've gone through would cause your migraines. I'm glad to hear that they've decreased since your H left. My best friend is having a lot of health issues. She's also having relationship issues. She said the last time she had these health issues was when her husband had an A and they were D'ing. She had ended her current relationship and said that she already is feeling better.
Sara- Wow, what an experience for your child to go through to have to keep his brother on the phone. I know that I can't change things, but I do still have some worry that eventually my H will become suicidal. When all his young friends quit coming around, when/if his relationship with OW fails, if he has a bad month at work. Your last comment about letting him go. I am Sara, I really am. Each day it gets easier and easier to step away.
lwb- Hey there!! Yes, our H's are 2 peas in a pod. I read your thread and saw your post about getting a text re: happy hour while you were at church. That's very much where H & I are...at opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm throwing those hugs right back to you. I think of you often. Again, thanks for the exchange of emails last week!
Hey Saffie- I know you're here!! Thanks for telling me that D4 is lucky to have me. She was so sweet the other day. I had the movie "The Holiday" on tv. D4 came in during a scene where Cameron Diaz was on screen. She said, mommy, she's beautiful. I said, yes she is. She looked at me and said, mommy, you're beautiful too! Oh, my heart melted. She makes me feel so good. Hope you and the family are well. One of these days, be it a year or 20 years from now, I WILL make it to England and I will beg you to show me some sights!
Journaling-
Not a lot going on the past few days. I'd done our Federal Taxes in Jan., but knew we had to pay for State, so I was a procrastonater (did I spell that right?) and waited to file my state until the last minute.
Last Aug., the company I work for acquired 2 other rental car companies. At this time we still operate seperately, but we were told yesterday that as of Aug. 2009, we will be fully integrated. This will open up opportunities within our area. This could mean a supervisory position for me. At the very least, it would mean more exposure to more people and new job responsibilities. New things to learn and the chance at a higher salary. I told my mom that it's hard telling what the next year will bring, but I'm happy to have something to look forward to.
My best friend is coming in town this weekend!! Her brother lives near me. I hope to see her on Saturday and then D4 and I have the Twins game on Sunday. Should be a good weekend. Look at me, it's only Wed. and I'm already thinking of the weekend!
H has been decent to me the past few days. We haven't really talked much, but he's been okay. I struggle with how to act with him. There's part of me that just wants to say....Okay, this is over, we both know it, so let's just agree to be friends and get things moving. Then there's the other part that says, this man has betrayed me over and over and over. I want him to know that it's not going to be an easy road. I want him to know that what he's done is wrong. I do not want him to feel like I'm okay with his actions.
Still same old, same old for H with his emails, calls...etc. Appears as if he's got OW back, but is scrambling to hold on and make sure she doesn't change her mind AGAIN. Yes, more YouTube.
Well, it's a busy day here, so I guess I should get going.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Don't you ever feel guilty for moving towards strenght and health in your life. You deserve so, so much more than just a healthy existence. No guilt for having enough of his crap...k? 
