To those who wish to catch up, please see "maybe you are(n't) my soulmate." Link, anyone? Please?
Ok, now for the legal stuff that happened yesterday. The Prosecuting Attorney wanted to really throw the book at me and put me in jail for a year. Then he wanted to tack on a fine because I "committed a serious crime with a deadly weapon and could have killed the other man." Then, the arresting officer (who actually apologized for having to arrest me) spoke to the Judge and Prosecuting Attorney and explained the considerable control, fortitude, and restraint it takes a man in such a passionate situation, to not kill someone. He pointed out that I had a knife on the guy's throat and let him go. The Judge even said he didn't think he would have such control in the same situation. He reminded the other members of the court that I tried to have "the law" step in and help but when they failed, I went to defend my wife's honor and safety.
So his testimony got my sentence down to 120 hours of community service. Then my lawyer pointed out how the other man was "stalking" my wife and how could I not confront the other man in an attempt to keep her safe. They wrangled for a while longer (I think my lawyer explained to the other man that he had evidence of the affair that his wife didn't know about, which would probably lead to her divorcing him - all of this was behind closed doors, by the way). My lawyer was able to get my sentence reduced to 20 hours of community service as long as I apologized to the other man and shake his hand if front of the courtroom. I told my lawyer to go back to the other room and tell the s.o.b. that I would do what I did again given the same situation, I was happy I did it, and that he was absolutely not getting an apology. After all was said and done, I got 40 hours of community service and didn't have to give an apology. So at least that part of this saga will be over soon.
There is work to be done (trust issues, money issues, career issues, and more legal stuff) but I feel she and I will be ok. Makes me happy.
Also, I was finally able to forgive my wife. While waiting for my lawyer at some point, it just washed over me. I understood her pain. I felt she understands mine. I feel, in spite of the affairs, she is the same person I fell in love with 10 years ago. Yay us!
The JUDGE said he wouldn't have had the control? I thought it was the police officer?? Man, I wish I could have been there for that part. But, I am very proud of you and impressed by you. You're the best...
Officer said it when I was arrested. Was told by my lawyer Judge said it before trial.
I am starting to feel that this A can be put behind me soon, but now I am starting to obcess about the first A. All the same sh!t coming back. Why? I don't understand. I was dealing with the issues of infidelity as one whole problem and now I seem to think of them as two seperate incidents. Is something wrong with me?
SAM and I are going to get away for the weekend and spend some quality time together. Perhaps that will help.
a little help here? why do i now see sam's two affairs as seperate instead of one big problem like i used to? why am i now more angry about the first affair? is it because i kicked the OM#2's a$$ and have been asked not to say anything to OM#1? why don't i see the two affairs as being the same problem anymore? why was i so stupid as to allow this to happen in the first place? I forgave Sam for her transgressions and I meant it. But today, i feel i can forgive, but not trust. why can't this be easy?
We had a great time together this weekend. why can't i carry that feeling with me today. maybe my meds are off. maybe it's something else. i am so tired of trying to be the good guy where i ask myself all of the time, "is this going to help me save my marriage, or lose it?"
i am me. i am not proud of it, and i am sometimes embarrassed by it, but this is what i am. i didn't deserve this. then i get angry with myself for my self pity. then i get angry that i am angry because i have a right to be angry. I am confused and discouraged. my roller coaster lows are lower than before and my highs higher. Why should i believe it will get better? why should i believe everything is ok, (not she proisised to love me only anyway?
Anyway, that's where we are. I still am desprate to lovr her again.
Quote: why do i now see sam's two affairs as seperate instead of one big problem like i used to? why am i now more angry about the first affair? is it because i kicked the OM#2's a$$ and have been asked not to say anything to OM#1? why don't i see the two affairs as being the same problem anymore?
possibly because they are two sepearte events...two seperate people...seperate circumstances... possibly the fact that you have been asked to say nothing to om#1...seems to in your mind give him more power...but infact...kicking his ass would serve to give him power..or at least let him know the power you've let him have over you.
Quote: why was i so stupid as to allow this to happen in the first place?
you didn't allow the a's to happen sam did...you allowed the m to get to a place were it would be a possiblity.
Quote: I forgave Sam for her transgressions and I meant it. But today, i feel i can forgive, but not trust.
trust is going to take time...try just giving the benefit of the doubt for now.
Quote: why can't this be easy?
what fun would that be???
Quote: We had a great time together this weekend. why can't i carry that feeling with me today. maybe my meds are off. maybe it's something else. i am so tired of trying to be the good guy where i ask myself all of the time, "is this going to help me save my marriage, or lose it?"
it is tiring...sometimes you have to just cut yourself a little slack and be you...eventually you reach a point where it isn't about "saving the m" anymore..but about bettering the r..and at that point every little thing needen't be put to the "is this going to bring me closer" ringer..
in re to not being able to carry that good feeling from the weekend over to today??? perhaps the fear that it's not real?? I know that's what happens to me..
Quote: i am me. i am not proud of it, and i am sometimes embarrassed by it, but this is what i am. i didn't deserve this. then i get angry with myself for my self pity. then i get angry that i am angry because i have a right to be angry. I am confused and discouraged
why are you not proud to be you..why are you embarrassed to be you??? is that even what you are saying?? the other feelings you are having must be normal cause I feel them too.
Quote: my roller coaster lows are lower than before and my highs higher. Why should i believe it will get better? why should i believe everything is ok,
are the lows really lower, or is it that the highs are so much higher that a low seems so low...look back and see if your lows are truly lower than past lows...
why believe everything is going to be ok?? why not believe it??
KAW has spoken before about thing working like a pendulum...I've had the highs and lows in my sit too...eventually the pendulum swings balance out...and not too far off...there will still be good days and bad days but eventually the pendulum doesn't stray too far off center.
Quoting sadbuthopeful: a little help here? why do i now see sam's two affairs as seperate instead of one big problem like i used to? why am i now more angry about the first affair? is it because i kicked the OM#2's a$$ and have been asked not to say anything to OM#1? why don't i see the two affairs as being the same problem anymore? why was i so stupid as to allow this to happen in the first place? I forgave Sam for her transgressions and I meant it. But today, i feel i can forgive, but not trust. why can't this be easy?
Well, because for a while you were dealing with the idea that your w was unfaithful (lumps the two a's together) and now that you've processed that to a certain point it makes sense to me that you'd distinguish between the two -- you're beating yourself up a bit ("so stupid...") -- certainly unfairly -- for it happening in the first place -- are you mad that you didn't detect it after the first one??? Are you angry at w for not recognizing herself how dire the sitch was if she was unfaithful not once but twice? Are you thinking -- ok, I can forgive a lapse in judgement (1 affair) but somehow 2 affairs seems more conscious somehow? I'm not trying to add fuel to the fire (really) -- what do you REALLY feel mad/upset about?
Quote: We had a great time together this weekend. why can't i carry that feeling with me today. maybe my meds are off. maybe it's something else. i am so tired of trying to be the good guy where i ask myself all of the time, "is this going to help me save my marriage, or lose it?"
This happens to me a lot, actually. Someone on the boards suggested that I start feeling badly when things are going well because I'm still blaming h. I think some of it for me is also about REAL FEAR -- that I'm going to get sucked into something and end up getting hurt all over again.
Quote: i am me. i am not proud of it, and i am sometimes embarrassed by it, but this is what i am. i didn't deserve this. then i get angry with myself for my self pity. then i get angry that i am angry because i have a right to be angry. I am confused and discouraged. my roller coaster lows are lower than before and my highs higher. Why should i believe it will get better? why should i believe everything is ok, (not she proisised to love me only anyway?
I can totally understand this whirlwind of emotions -- I was telling c last night that I vacillate between extremes -- feeling guilty about all the things I did to negatively impact this m, then strong and secure in knowing I can fix them, then angry as hell that NOTHING can justify what h did and then again and again. Honestly? It really has abated a lot for me in TIME. As for the highs and lows -- I think that once the highs get higher, it makes the lows look much lower -- In my sitch, I don't think anything's gotten lower but it sure can feel that way coming off the high.
I really think that your current feelings are totally understandable...I also think that you're on the right track thinking, asking, etc. about them!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: KAW has spoken before about thing working like a pendulum...I've had the highs and lows in my sit too...eventually the pendulum swings balance out...and not too far off...
could you tell me where each of you have spoken of this? I very much value your opinions and would like to read how each of you dealt with the swings. many times sam doesn't have the energy to help because of all of the extra stuff she is having to deal with. she admits this and feels bad that she can't give me her all just yet and i just say, "it's ok, my time will come." but, i do need more sometimes. my insecurities come honestly; every woman in my life has betrayed me in some way, most by infidelity. pattern? probably. but i'm working on that part. the fact remains that i have trust issues and when i finally decide to trust fully again, i am betrayed, and unfortunately the one person i need to help me with them is the one person who cannot. i do love sam so very much, i just need some assurances now and then.
this hurts deeply and is going to take a long time to heal.
Quote: It seems like each swing of the pendulum is traveling to greater ends. It looks to me you are longing to have your H string those positives into a continuous thread, but H hasn't bridge those gaps yet, but he is closing the gaps. He is IS trying and doing more. At first you recognized a good thing from your H about once a week, then twice a week, maybe three times. Then next is to put two of those days together in a week, then two days together twice in the same week. Its a process creating more better days than bad ones and you are somewhere in the middle of that right now, and unfortuantely it is an agonizingly slow process with no other way to hasten it. It has to be taken one day at a time.
there's one reference to the pendulum that KAW refers to...when I typed in pendulum in the search box for this forum in the past 3 months there were several places it appears...
thing is we are waiting for all to be good all the time...to be able to relax..to breath...to know all is well. it is hard to not feel like we are waling through a mine field...what I have come to realize in time is that it is not just me who is walking the mine field...h is too...I don't feel like I have any bombs hiding around but I do.
one thing that may help is to realize that despite all that has happend "sam" is with you...loves you...and is working toward making the m work.
just as sam has things she must work through on her own...yes you are there to offer support but in the end it is up to her to grow and get through things....you must deal with certain feelings on your own...we all want to depend on our spouse to make up for the hurt...to say the right words to make it go away...to do the right things to ease the pain..but the truth is no matter how many of the right words they use or the right things they do in the end these are our feelings, our issues and we must face them and work through them on our own taking any good words..good weekends etc...as extras but not what we depend on to get us to where we need to be.
