Stronger - but still confused

[lodo]

Hey Neecy,

I understand how you feel - I'm going through similar emotions/obsessions. Take a break if you need it - and believe me I know these boards can sometimes take over - but don't forget this is a good place to vent.

And have a glass of pink wine

lodo

[Snow White]

Hi everyone,

I am back. I don;t have to worry about whether or not I should kick my husband out anymore because he chose to leave. He wants to "see what he is missing" if he is away from me because maybe that will help get his head on straight....I am pretty sure that he won't be back, he says he needs a week. Really I am destroyed but this is probably a blessing in disguise because I should have forced him to leave by now especially following the drunken mess a week ago. I guess that is the silver lining, he did what I couldn;t do. My question, do I just go totally dark now, with the exception of child care?

He has been gone 10 minutes, I have already sobbed uncontrollaby and thrown up. I just rec'd my first text. "Believe me this will work out in the end." I will not respond. I am so broken.

[Snow White]

Didn't respond so I rec'd another text telling me not to do anything stupid. Then a phone call to my home, that I didn;t answer then back to the cell, then back to the home with a message to call immediately because he was very worried about me. Then a call again to the cell, which I answered just to say I am fine and if you want to be away from me, be away from me. This has all been within 25 minutes of leaving.

[lodo]

Hi Neecy,

I'm so glad you're back. Listen, it's okay to feel like you do but recognize that he is in a really self-destructive space right now and you can't let him take you down too.

That being said - you've gotta take care of yourself. I know it hurts unbelievably bad. So stay at home tomorrow. Go for a walk. Go to a movie. It really is a blessing in disguise because it gives you distance from his inexcusable behavior.

With a kid going totally dark isn't going to work, but I've noticed in my sitch that the more I focus on pursuing my own life, my WAW seems to want to be more and more involved. She's still deadset on D, but things are definitely different than they were several weeks ago.

Anyway, thinking of you and hoping you're doing okay. lodo

[Sara]

Neecy,

It is nice that he worries about you. Many of these WASs don't. That is a plus on his side. But it is best for you for the craziness to be out of your house. You should start attending Al-anon meetings. The people there will understand what you have been going through, and they will give you strength. You are experiencing more than simply a husband with an affair who moved out, you are dealing with a person who has lost control of his life due to alcohol. You have to stop playing his game and covering for him. Al-anon will help you.

[LL44]

Sara is right. H has never ONCE checked on me, just me, since he moved out.

Continue detaching and don't be available for all his calls, but don't keep your daughter (1 D, right?) from him either (if he calls to talk to her).

So sorry he left, but oh the silver linings!!! You can go to bed, not worrying about when he will be home or not. Its hard, but at the moment you both need space.

[Snow White]

Is it a common thing for your spouse while leaving to be begging you to not think that this is permanent. "All I need is a week or two" I believe different. Is that a normal thing to ease their guilt? As far as I am concerned(and it drives my H nuts that I make sweeping assumptions), telling me he wanted to leave was the hardest thing he ever had to do and now that he has done it, he is gone. I did thank him, and I meant it, for having the courage and decency to talk to me about it face to face because his MO up until this point has been texting anything that he has difficulty with.

GF if you are there is this how it was with your husband for 3 years?

[Snow White]

Ok I need some advice on what to respond to or not. I do not want to start a fight I just don't want to be eagerly waiting for him to contact me.

This morning a half an hour after I got to work I rec'd a text from H saying be careful and drive slow you left your license at home(he must be home to a) pack his things, b)he has to get D off the bus - but not till 3:30, c) probably feels weird at his friend's house after he has left for work. I figure this is just to keep in touch since I would have been driving 45 minutes before I rec'd the text. I did not respond.

At lunch I rec'd one asking if his pay had gone in the account and how much. I responded just the number. About a half hour later he asked "did you pay me" I did respond to this as I was confused - for what? "so I can eat" Normally on my pay day - tomorrow - I transfer money into an account he has access to. I guess this is what he was referring to. I didn;t respond but transferred the $, he will just have to live another 15 days on this instead of 14. Because I didn;t respond I rec'd another stating don't get bent out of shape. Responded $ in.

Now I have rec'd one asking "How are you doing?" Do I just ignore these? Do I ask him not to contact me, like I said my desire is not to start a fight but it is to let him know what he is missing and not be so available.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would ignore him unless it is a legitimate question about the kids, in which case I'd give him a short, respectful answer. If it's a legitimate question for YOU, I'd stall a few hours and then give him a short, respectful answer.

[Snow White]

some guidance please on what to respond when directly asked why I am not answering, I mean I know what I want to say.

I want to say, you made a choice, you left, you chose to continue talking to her which caused us to go down a path where being around each other was unbearable. You wanted to leave to see if you would miss me, so do it.

But that is not helping me is it? Is there a better way or DB suggested way of dealing with this. I just got another text saying you must be doing great since you haven't responded in 3 hours to me asking how you are doing.