One of the big issues wile she had OA with OM was the fact she posted sensual photos of herself on facebook. It completely freaked me out in the context of her A. Well, she does not have an online A now but she is still posting those pictures. Please understand: they are not pornographic or even erotic, like nude photos or anything, they are simply sensual.
I think I know where you W is coming from, but God help me to try to explain it. I think it stems from low self-esteem. Now, if she really has the face of Marilyn Monroe, that would be hard for anyone to realize how you could have low self-esteem.....but then study the life of Marilyn Monroe and see the tragedy there. Beautiful women can feel very neglected, lonely, and ugly. I am not placing this at your feet. I don't know that you had any thing to do with it, by that I mean you could have been the perfect H and she may still have those problems due to something in her past.
I am not up on technology enough to know that much about facebook, but I put my picture on the IM I was sending the OM. It was not nude, but I suppose it looked sensual.....although I could not see it in myself, my H was furious and shocked when he found it. He was so disappointed that I would do such a thing! My actions stemmed from years of neglect and loneliness......feelings of losing my youth, beauty, and sex appeal. It also was the old problem I've had all my life with low self-esteem. I needed somebody to feed my ego and my H wasn't doing it, so I found somebody that would. Thank God I did not place my picture on an adult web chat site, but I almost thought about it....and it scares me to death to know how close I came one night in doing that very thing! To think how low we will stoop!
Well, just as I got addicted to the "praise" of all the guys telling me how sexy and beautiful I was (and falling for it), I think your W is doing the same thing. She is addicted, sweetie, and it is going to be very, very hard for her to break that addiction. It is strong stuff. Just like a lot of beautiful models were hanging all over you and telling you how hot you were would feed your male ego.....that is what is happening to her by these men. It seems so easy by Internet b/c it is like it's not real. I would never do something like that in person....or at least I don't think I would, but if I had continued to do so, I was well on my way to meeting OM in real life.....so who's to say? My point is that you seem to do things easier starting out over the Internet. It's like not realizing all the people that could see that.
If you are going to trust her, you must not ask for her password. My H did the same thing when he accidentally came across a new password I had used on a game and it showed up on the messenger IM. He demanded to know what it was and I told him I had forgotten b/c it was old. I really did b/c he was so mad and I was so nervous I couldn't even think right then. The point is, she will keep finding new passwords, and if she has too, she will find other computers to make her contacts. My H threw away my web cam and mic and I resented him for treating me like a child and it made me rebel more. She will also! Be careful. You can't control her and the more you try, the worse she will become. You have to let it go. Stop snooping or you will go crazy.
She needs counseling. She needs to know why she has this problem of wanting other men to see her as sexy. Maybe it is MLC. With me, my M sucked and I couldn't face the next birthday that was hitting me in the face. So, I had what I call a mini-MLC b/c I had too many of the symptoms not to be.
My advice about what you said to her about advertising herself only placed shame on her.....or it should have, she didn't act like it bothered her, but that may have been a cover-up. I would not take that avenue with her. She needs support and not your judgment. I don't say that scolding you. If I were a H, there is no telling how badly I would react to such a thing!
Maybe I've told you this before, but my H would tell me I looked nice, but it wasn't the same as when I heard the OM say, "Baby, you are so damn hot!" Now this embarrasses me to let you know how low I got, but still it caused my heart to flutter. I only tell you that b/c maybe you should change your technique up a bit. Instead of just saying, "You look pretty today" or whatever your usual expression of praise may be.....try to be a little more sexy about it....at least say it differently. If my H had given me a big Wolf whistle and said I looked hot, then who would need some OM over the Internet? But, he didn't, and besides, by that point, I had felt so neglected for so long, I don't know if it would have stopped me. I hope it's not too late for you.
I still would not tell her that you love her.....that is pressure and pursuing. But, you can give her compliments. But, don't do it in a "needy" type of way. Be "cool" about how you do it. I know you want to control the Internet activity, but you can't...not completely. She has to make that break herself. I just pray she will see what is happening to herself before it is too late. Do you think the boys have seen the pictures? That may be a wake-up call if she thought they had. Most mothers don't want their children to see what they are up to on the Internet and pictures.
My H used to come up behind me and watch me on the computer also. Bad idea! I almost hated him for that. Felt like his child he was punishing. She is not your child and men have a tendency to treat their wayward wives as children. She doesn't deserve your trust, but for your sake you must stop snooping and stop watching her while she is on the computer. Apply the DR techniques and keep coming here to post. Take one day at a time and baby step it. We will take the problems as they come. Can't undo everything at one time. I know one man whose wife left him just so she could continue her Internet habits. You still have time and now have the tools to know what to do. I know that the calls to Michelle are rather expensive, but if you can't find a workable answer, I would call her to see what she says about it. It's kind of hard to put a price on your M.
Hope to hear from you soon. Remember to stay attractive in your behavior and your looks. Stay sexy and "cool".
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
