I closed the door on this for good

[Jay Scott]

My wife has been gone for a few months now and I am a single dad raising two boys alone. She has little to no contact with us although in her mind she thinks she sees them more often. But it is really only about every 7-10 days.

Anyway, I called her yesterday just to see how she was doing and I asked her if she was happy because the life she is living is what she said she wanted although she never seems happy when the kids and I see her. She told me "I am sorry to say but I am". I asked her what that meant, and she told me "I know it is not what you want to hear". At that moment I felt that I could no longer play the guessing game and I told her the truth. I informed her that what I wanted to hear was that she was happy and was not going to try to get back into our lives because it is over. I have felt this way for some time but with the little conversation being just about the kids, it never happened.

So we had a good two hour phone conversation yesterday and I told her that the door to my heart was closed and that lying to me and abandoning her children has made her very unattractive to me and someone that I did not think I could ever trust again. I was not ugly but I was honest and it did not turn into fight. She knows that she has no excuses or anyway to justify her actions. I told her that although I did not like who she was now, I will never forget nor stop being thankful for the wife and mother that she has been for 10 years.

It was a sad discussion and it was painful to put it out on the line and let her know that it was over in my mind. But that is the truth. I felt it was necessary to bring closure to our situation. I told her that I did not have any expectations of her financially or emotionally to my children because she has not been able to provide in either aspect and I would rather release her from any pressure than to build up hope and expectations in my kids.

This is sad and hard for me to say this because I do not believe in divorce as a whole and I lived my entire marriage with the expectations that I would never be married to anyone else and I loved and adored my wife. But the main thing I have learned is that you can not change other people. For a woman to walk out on her husband and small children is just so unthinkable that there can be no turning back. There can be forgiveness and there is but the past can not be erased or white washed. She has become a pariah in her entire circle of friends and family. She has been shunned or has closed out almost everyone in her life over this. I have honestly been the most understanding and friendly to her of anyone we have known. But I could not lie to her any longer.

I value the information and insight I have gained from the folks here and the support of those of you who have walked in my shoes and those of my wife. It has made this whole situation so much more bearable knowing that you all have been there and were willing to share your pain and insight with me and the others here. I will continue to stay on here but I have closed this door to my life. No one is sadder than me but I have to live for my boys from this point on. They need to be my number one priority and they need to feel that way. I know this is a strange forum for me to post this but this is the forum that I visit and feel the most comfortable in.

Thanks for all of your words and for reading my long winded post.

[jmw128]

I've followed a few of your posts, like role reversals, etc...and to be honest, I've generally disagreed. I've always felt that until the WA has some sort of change of heart that we are the LBS and they are the WA. It is irrelevant how we as the LBS feel while they are in WA mode. They are still the WA and we the LBS. In the end however, most people here and I suppose outside of the DB world, say that it is the choice of the LBS how to proceed. And thus, we can be a WA ourselves. So, with that said I'd like to chime in on this post.

My wife has been gone for a few months now and I am a single dad raising two boys alone. She has little to no contact with us although in her mind she thinks she sees them more often. But it is really only about every 7-10 days.

a few months is not long. My W was just getting reved up on anger. So, that distance doesn't surprise me. And honestly, I did not see my W then much either. Also, when I read your posts, I always sense negative emotions from you when you say things like "a single dad raising two boys alone." I understand. Just an observation.

So we had a good two hour phone conversation yesterday and I told her that the door to my heart was closed and that lying to me and abandoning her children has made her very unattractive to me and someone that I did not think I could ever trust again. I was not ugly but I was honest and it did not turn into fight. She knows that she has no excuses or anyway to justify her actions. I told her that although I did not like who she was now, I will never forget nor stop being thankful for the wife and mother that she has been for 10 years.

Good two hours that's positive and you will need this raising children regardless the 'schedule'...lying, abandoning, actions, etc...sounds like she really hurt you. "did not think I could ever trust again" - you actually left the door open here. You could've just said never, ever, etc...However, you seem clear that you are happy with your choice.

It was a sad discussion and it was painful to put it out on the line and let her know that it was over in my mind. But that is the truth. I felt it was necessary to bring closure to our situation. I told her that I did not have any expectations of her financially or emotionally to my children because she has not been able to provide in either aspect and I would rather release her from any pressure than to build up hope and expectations in my kids.

the picture you paint with your post is how you are through with her. However, by saying sad and painful it confuses me. Also, and I noticed this in your first paragraph. They are not just your children. They are hers too. No matter the choices u2 make in your lives. Unless, I am mistaken and they are from another relationship.

For a woman to walk out on her husband and small children is just so unthinkable that there can be no turning back. There can be forgiveness and there is but the past can not be erased or white washed. She has become a pariah in her entire circle of friends and family. She has been shunned or has closed out almost everyone in her life over this.

you sound bitter. Your whole post sounds like you are trying to validate your choice. Which is fine and great if it makes you happy and is best for you and your family. But then I don't understand why you say you are sad. Seems like you'd be happy. Also, my W has pushed away plenty of "friends/family" in my sitch b/c of her anger, etc...I wouldn't think that would be uncommon.

I will continue to stay on here but I have closed this door to my life.

I feel like that is a contradictory statement. I feel like that if I were done with my W, then I just would not have the need to be on this site and post about my sitch. That would be the door closing. Just me. Everyone is different.

No one is sadder than me but I have to live for my boys from this point on. They need to be my number one priority and they need to feel that way.

...just don't forget about yourself.

If you believe in the Lord, then put him first, then family...my 5D knows it. Until the you put the Lord first, your puzzle will never fit back together...this is what guides me...

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

And I leave you with this thought I got from a sermon a few Sunday's back...Real love is loving and expecting nothing in return.

gl w/ your boys ... may you find what you are looking for.

p.s. I hope my post is not hurtful to you...It was not meant to be.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Jay,

I'm inclined to agree with jmw on this one. I know I am not done with my M in part because I am not there emotionally. Mental I'm exhausted and some days I want to tell myself to get on with my life, but any emotion whether it be sadness, anger, resentment etc. means I am not yet ready to move on. Of course my H may make that decision for me someday and of course that is me.

You mention your boys and W walking out on them. If it were just you two it would be a different scenario? I don't have any children, but I can certainly sympathize with not wanting to see them go through any more pain, but do you think ending it all will make her a better mother? If not, perhaps the better alternative may be to wait it out a bit longer and give her an opportunity to be a better mother (with or without you) and better wife but with the bonus of keeping the family together.

I hope you do not think that I am questioning your decision. I am sure that you did not come to this decision lightly. In either case I wish you all the best of luck and God Bless you and your boys.

[Jay Scott]

HIC, thanks for the post. I appreciate your input.

If it were just the two of us, it would be very different and I would probably much more of a committed DB'r. You must understand, she did not just WAW from me, she WAW'd from her children and her entire life. I do believe my situation is probably quite unique to this board.

Let me put out some positive insight. My wife has told me that she left them with me because she thinks I am the better parent and can provide for them emotionally as well as financially. That is very unselfish of her and I appreciate it. My wife and I get along very well, there is no fighting or any kind of negative interaction, even when we were together we did not have bad fights or say ugly things to each other. We had a very good and happy marriage for the most part.

My wife is going through her own personal issues that come with a lot of pain n her life. I would like to be patient but sometimes you have to be realistic too. She is happy on her own, does not miss the life she had and is starting to see OM. I do not believe that trying to change things about myself would help that situation change. I have taken my responsibility for some of what brought us here but it was ultimately her decision and her own personal problems. I hate divorce, I am a Christian and am a very positive person. People who really know me (not from a few posts on the internet) will tell you so.

I personally can not deal with the pain and I have to move on. If I thought that there was an ounce of hope in my wife changing, I would say so. But I have never seen her have the ability to admit she is wrong and her pride would never let her face what "she thinks" others think of her.

On a personal positive note. I have come to the decision that I am not at all interested in dating at this point and that is a big step for me. I want to learn how to be happy and satisfied as a single father and I am sure that will take some time and that will be my focus.

HIC and Christa, thanks for your word and your time. You will never know how much I appreciate it when you all respond to my posts.

[runningoutoftime]

A few months is very little time. If your marriage was relatively good prior to all this, I suggest you leave the door open just a crack to the POSSIBILITY of reconciliation. I think you should live for youself and the children, and continue to believe in it being over for now, but I don't think you should entirely discount and close yourself off to a possiblie reconciliation in the future (not that you should ever say this to your W, just something you hold inside yourself....) Time can change so many things, and sometimes people have to separate and go through pain and growth. And maybe a future reconciliation will never occur.... but if a time comes when you can start off as friends, then just be friends and see where it goes...

Definitely move on and let go of your W as someone in your life.... but don't close yourself off to possiblity in the future. Actually, being a committed DBer is to move on with your life. You are basically going in the right direction....

Let go of her entirely for now. Focus on you and your kids. At this time it should be like she no longer exits in your lives.

>>If it were just the two of us, it would be very different and I would probably much more of a committed DB'r. You must understand, she did not just WAW from me, she WAW'd from her children and her entire life. I do believe my situation is probably quite unique to this board.<<

Actually it's for the children's sake that you should keep a future possiblity open.

[Jay Scott]

A few months is very little time. If your marriage was relatively good prior to all this, I suggest you leave the door open just a crack to the POSSIBILITY of reconciliation. I think you should live for youself and the children, and continue to believe in it being over for now, but I don't think you should entirely discount and close yourself off to a possiblie reconciliation in the future (not that you should ever say this to your W, just something you hold inside yourself....) Time can change so many things, and sometimes people have to separate and go through pain and growth. And maybe a future reconciliation will never occur.... but if a time comes when you can start off as friends, then just be friends and see where it goes...

Definitely move on and let go of your W as someone in your life.... but don't close yourself off to possiblity in the future. Actually, being a committed DBer is to move on with your life. You are basically going in the right direction....

Let go of her entirely for now. Focus on you and your kids. At this time it should be like she no longer exits in your lives.

>>If it were just the two of us, it would be very different and I would probably much more of a committed DB'r. You must understand, she did not just WAW from me, she WAW'd from her children and her entire life. I do believe my situation is probably quite unique to this board.<<

Actually it's for the children's sake that you should keep a future possiblity open.

What great insight. You are on point in so many ways. I said early on that it would take a lot to repair my M and that is true. There could be a healing, but it would have to be the hand of God. I still believe in God and his miracles but I will not sit here and pine away over her every word and action. I have kids to raise and a life to live. Thanks for that great post ROOT.

Lots of things have happened lately and I will will have to start a new post.

[christarn]

JS~ Just checkin in on you Leave it in the hands of God!! I just bought a portrait and hung in my bedroom that says " I believe in miracles, anything is possible with God" Stay strong!! I agree 100% with root, the focus now is on your kids and yourself!!

Take care my friend! I am thinking of you
Christa

[Jay Scott]

Thanks Christa, things have been very interesting around here lately. My W has actually been here at the house 4 of the last 7 days and has taken us all out to dinner twice. My oldest had his birthday this week and that was the man reason but the real issue is that she has been here because she wanted to. Of course we all got along great and had a great time every day. She even stayed quite a while after dinner yesterday and went shopping with us and was in no hurry to leave.

She wants to be around her kids and they know it and feel it. She is softening a great deal towards them and I for one am thrilled. She wants to be here and that is all that matters. I am happy for my kids and happy for her. I don't concern myself with what it means about us, because it doesn't mean anything but her being happy and my kids being happy is my desire. That is the place I want to work from going forward from here.

I am so thankful that she feels comfortable around the house and the children. It softens my heart towards her and makes me want to be nicer to her than I already am. If she and I get a long and she is happy, my kids win al the way around.

Thanks for all the support and input folks.

[christarn]

That's awesome JS!!! You are doing something right!!

Christa

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Jay,

Good to hear you are doing well and that the W is taking a more active role in the boys' life. I meant to tell you that your last post to me, a few above, that I think it is great that you are taking something away from DBing including seeing your role, but most importantly taking care of yourself and realizing you are a worthy and amazing father, man and H.