I do not think you are unreasonable about how you feel! I think he is the one being unreasonable. The very idea of him having women to call him on his cell phone! He knows he has just admitted to having an A with your best friend and yet he takes these calls?
If I were you, I would have to draw some boundries.....like cut out all cell phone calls from women, stop telling me you love me 5 times a day, and give me some space to breathe and time to adjust to the idea you were doing it with my best friend and the two of you lying to me and making me feel like I was the jerk.
Sorry, I am being negative about this, but it burns me up to see the nerve he has to expect you to be all lovie-dovie after dropping that bomb on you just as he gets back home. I bet if the shoe was on the other foot, it would be different!
Perhaps going to a solotion based C together where these things could be mapped out would work better. You certainly have your work cut out for you. But, I for one do not think you are over-reacting. I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and you have every right to feel like you do. He should have told you all of this before he came home. I think he was taking advantage. If he had told you this before.....you may not have wanted him to come back to you. He just did not do you right.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I try to sit down and write in here, but it always seems to be a lot of tension when I am here. We are also very busy with our greenhouses opening soon. I am finding right now that I just can't tell him that I love him. It seems to be making him quite upset. I think I do but I am not completely positive. I feel that I should be able to say it to him when I really know I feel it. And not because he wants me too. Just because he is past what he did to me does not mean that I am past all of this. I still have many bad days and there always seems to be some sort of drama with the OW. Not to do with him, because I do know that he is staying completely away from her. Just her circle of friends crosses my circle of friends. makes some days really hard. Thanks for your advice sandi2. Sometimes I forget that there are other people out there that care. I hope I can be in here a little more often, but like I said, with the greenhouses opening soon I don't have much time to myself.
Thanks again!!!!!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
WAS32. You might have seen my previous post and I received some very good information from the reply, but I wanted to get some response from you if you have time...
I did a horrible thing to my wife about a year and a half ago. I met another woman at on a business trip and through texts, emails, and phone calls, our relationship went beyond friends. We flirted with each other and I ended up having an EA with her. When the OW started talking about meeting (we lived several hours away from each other) I realized what I was doing and wanted to stop. However, before I could, my wife found a text. This experience really woke me up and made me take a hard look at my life and what I found did not make me very happy. I was not the man that I thought I was nor that I wanted to be. So, the past year and a half I have really made some life changes. My wife sees these changes and appreciates them it seems, however, it makes her angry that I have changed now and was not who I should have been for all that time. It seems like she is mad at me still. Things are much better, but its just not the same. She says she can't trust me and doesn't know how to.
I have not had any contact with the OW since then. I don't want anyone but my wife!! I never did really, it was just a cool new friend that got out of hand.
I try to sit down and write in here, but it always seems to be a lot of tension when I am here.
Is the tension you are feeling coming from the posts here on the board or from you while you are trying to write about the stitch? It just concerned me about that statement. We want to help you sweetie, not place more tension on you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
SDog, I was glad to see you on WAS32's thread b/c I hadn't heard from you in a while. How are things by now? I gathered by your post to WAS32 that you are still stuggling. But the positive side in your stitch is that you are seeing some good days from your W. Plus, if she is still home, that gives time on your side. Just keep applying DB techniques and I believe they will work. I know her mood swings are hard on you, but she is trying to heal over hurt and resentment. I heard on a tape the other day that women have a hard time forgiving and forgetting resentment.....even after they think they have forgiven their H's, that old resentment still tries to hang on. I'm sure her devastation is taking a long time to heal. But, if she goes to church like you and prays like you....then the M has a very good Rock to stand on. Don't give up on her.....give her time. Yes, she needs space and that is hard for you to try to show her how much you love her without smothering her, but with the help of the DR book and prayer......I think in time it will work out.
I was guilty of doing the very same thing as you. Could not believe myself! What was I thinking? Who was I anymore? All of that stuff. My H looks like he has aged ten years during this past year and I know I did it to him. I have to live with that. I still have issues with resentment also, even though I should be doing everything in my power to show him how much I love him, it is hard......long story. But, we both have the Rock and that is what we depend on to get us through this. We are okay. It could be better, but it is much, much better than a year ago. He has shown his agravation toward me only once, and that was b/c he was sick, and then he apologized for it.....which in the past he never did. He has not raised his voice to me nor have we been in an argument, so I feel we have come a long way. It takes so much time to get through all that mess. I don't know of another couple that had as much trust in each other as we did....and I messed that up big time. I may pay for that for a long time.
God bless. Let me hear from you. I am over in Piecing forum now.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey there Sandi2. The comment I made about tension was not because of the posts in here but was refering to my H. I have tried to explain this place to him but he just thinks that it is a place to pick up single men. I know that it is BS, but he thinks that way. I am sure it is out of his own guilt that makes him think that way. I am trying very hard to work on my M and I certainly wouldn't be picking up men at this time. Not even interested in anything else but my M. I know deep down somewhere I really do want this to work. It's just the trust issues that I have. Somedays I feel we are back to where we were a year ago. Him being all stressed with work and the business. He was telling me that he couldn't handle it ect...not telling me he felt there was a problem in the M. I always thought I was doing the right thing by letting him have some space and going on golf trips with his buddies to just get away from the stress. As it turns out it was the wrong thing to do and here we are again, in golf season and I want to tell him no GOLFING. I have major trust issues with this and I am not sure how to handle it. Some days are good for me and others are just plain rotten. He is having a hard time with my bad days because in his eyes this is done and over with. He made a mistake and he regrets it so I should be over it too. I am not. And I really don't know when I will be.
So this kinda relates to you SDog. It is amazing the stupists things that can set a person off and make them think about the A. For those of us that have been hurt by our S, it takes along time to get past it. Especially when you had a great amount of trust in them. It hurts that someone you love would hurt you so much and it is hard to believe that you won't do it again. There is a guard that gets put up and its very hard to let it down. If you love your W then time is all you have. Make sure you tell her you love her and once in awhile do something special and out of the ordinary for her. She will come around if there are any feelings for you. Hang in there!!!!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
When I asked my H if he would ever trust me again after he found out am my EA with OM....his answer was that he had to in order to live with me and for his own peace of mind. I thought that was a good answer. The forgiveness and trust is not b/c they have earned it or even deserve it, but b/c it is for your own sake that you've got to try to do it.
Quote:
The comment I made about tension was not because of the posts in here but was refering to my H. I have tried to explain this place to him but he just thinks that it is a place to pick up single men. I know that it is BS, but he thinks that way
Sounds to me like your H has a lot of trust issues of his own. The best thing is not to discuss this board with him. It is the same as trying to get him to read M books.....doesn't work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
