I wish he would just get tired already and let me carry him to shore. I wish he could lean on me even a little bit....when I made a suggestion about the shower yesterday, he said "I don't want you to "fix" it". So I guess listening, validating is all I can do if he decides to open up to me again. I know there are times I tell him about my day and he gets out the mental "tool box" to fix things. I don't want him to fix them, I want him to listen and "feel" me......So maybe that is all I am supposed to do?
Woog I don't remember if I already told you. I did tell him exactly what I told you in writing this morning. But I told him in a message, I knew if I called and talked to him he would interrupt before I got done, or be distracted by another call @ work. So I wrote it down for him, to digest as quickly or slowly as he wants. In the past he has carried my notes around with him so I know he pays attention to them. I plan to just sit back now and do nothing where he is concerned.
I take that back. I will pray for him every single day, pray he does what is right for him, and thus what is right for "us".
I will take care of "his" children and love them like they deserve.
I will take care of "his" wife and make sure she stays strong and healthy, at least as best I can.
I will make sure we are all taken care of so he can just focus on himself. The rest is up to him.
It always was, but man do I like to snatch that rope up. Like the mom who jumps in and does everything for their kids. What do they end up with? A helpless kid who resents their mom for letting them be helpless.....That is not quite what I am up against but I just KNOW I can't do this for him. He stayed in the past b/c he knew it was what I wanted, what was "best". I need to know that this time it would be because HE wanted it so much....
I can tell this will be a long week. I keep thinking
*Am I sure he KNOWS how much I love him? *Does he know I am willing to work it out? *Does he understand that I deserve better and he needs to give me better or let me go? *Does he know this doesn't equal me giving up on him, but me expecting more from him?
I know that he must know these things, it is just so out of the ordinary for me to take a step back. Sit still BBJ, sit still......
