Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[cw68]

What 180s can you do to make you a better person, completely taking H out of the equation? I've gotten in shape, am treating myself better. I'm trying to stop being the procrastinator, tried to stop being so judgmental of other people, picked up a new hobby of crossword puzzles. Tried to go back to cooking lots of homemade stuff. I'm making a point of researching things to do with the kids outside of our normal routines.

Think of 180s for yourself. Take a class. When do you get out just for you to get out? What are you doing for YOURSELF?

IMO, the successful 180s are ones that make you a better person. The 180s that you do just for them, or just to change your pattern with them are transparent because we don't really mean them.

GAL, too. Are you doing that?

[newnamenewlife]

OMG, if one more person on this site tells me to take a class!!

I actually gardened for the first time ever yesterday and enjoyed it. I could see that becoming a new hobby, though I hurt my back. I GAL constantly. I have tons of friends with whom I go out regularly. I think I am still too stunned by my H really wanting to leave. I haven't been able to focus on getting my paying work done (I freelance part time at home) let alone the for-fun activities. I'm trying, though.

It is also starting to dawn on me just how much I've depended on H in that typical sex-role kind of way. He's the tool guy, the financial guy, the guy who does most of the driving when we go on long trips (I'm a city girl). Then the social aspect. We mostly socialize with other couples and families, so it's weird to think of being a single socializer.

I think when he really moves out it might be easier for me. Anyway, cw, you are doing really well and it sounds like your H is coming around in a big way, so that's great. I think my H wants me to GAL so he can feel better about leaving me.

[cw68]

Who cares why your H wants you to GAL? You GAL for yourself and if they see you in a different light, then BONUS! The thing is, they WILL see you in a different light. My H has specifically stated that me seeming to be at peace and happier has definitely positively affected our relationship a lot. So, cool, but I feel better and that's what I really like about it.

H is acting like an idiot. H is the one who's broken, not us, not me. I'm getting stronger by the day, I'm feeling better by the day. I still want us to work, but I can only change myself. That in turn changes our R.

[newnamenewlife]

Last night and tonight, H&I and our kids had dinner with friends--both couples with kids. Neither of them knows that H&I are on the verge of S. It's so weird--we are mostly our usual selves, but I often get such an angry, "stay-away" vibe from H and I find it really humiliating in front of friends. H and I will sit next to one another on the couch, but he makes sure that we're not touching at all. Meanwhile, our friends are leaning on each other or being casually physical the way couples are--the way H&I have been most of our time together. It makes me feel really rejected and lonely the way his body language shuts me out (crossed arms and legs, facing away from me).

I know my H does not want to give up our social life, our family vacations--all that. He compartmentalizes his in love/not in love feelings to such an extreme that no other aspects of our lives matter.

Anyway, on it goes. I am looking forward to going to LA with my Ds on Saturday for 5 days. H will be here working and, I assume, trying to find an apt, or whatever he's planning. He is such a procrastinator in general and we agreed to renovate our third floor before he leaves (so we can rent it out and thus have money for two households), so who knows how long it will be before he's actually gone. He seems irritated with me that I'm not getting the ball rolling on the renovation/separation, but as much as I am getting fed up with his coldness toward me, it's hard for me to be the one to make any of this happen.

[cw68]

How would you feel about your H living in the third floor? May be a stupid question.

[newnamenewlife]

How would you feel about your H living in the third floor?

I think it would be very odd--confusing for the kids and difficult for me.

[cw68]

It would be odd, but money-wise it could be good AND you wouldn't have to deal with being a landlord. Difficult, yep. Just wanted to throw it out there to see how it sat with you. Out-of-the-box option kind of thing.

[girlfromipanema]

Oh boy, lovemyguy. I just read through your situation and my heart really goes out to you. That ice coldness is unbearable. Wouldn't it be nice if we could somehow remove our emotions from our situations and just view our H's as a friend we care about? Why is the rejection so painful? Why can't we just let them go without feeling so hurt, angry, abandoned, rejected, disposable...? I'm thinking of trying hypnotherapy. I wonder if that would work. I'm just so tired of being in this pain and having my husband treat me with such iciness. I am wishing you the very best.

What will you and your girls be doing in LA?

[newnamenewlife]

Why can't we just let them go without feeling so hurt, angry, abandoned, rejected, disposable...?

Because we're human and we love them and have created entire lives (and in my case, children) with them. I wish I could just set H free. I happen to be so financially dependent on him too. I have spent close to half my life with him. I don't understand how it seems so easy for him to detach from me, but I guess he's been secretly working on that for a few years now.

As much as I HATE how he is treating me lately--pretty much as if I am just a necessary evil he has to deal with until he figures out how to leave--I think it will be easier to let him go in the end than if he were being really loving and also wanting to leave. It felt like cold turkey at first--I SOBBED my heart out every day. I feel in a different phase now, not as raw. What I dread the most is telling our kids. I think that's going to be agonizing.

I am reading a book called When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. I'm not usually given to reading this kind of Buddhist-y stuff, but I find it helpful. It's about giving into the chaos rather than fighting it--much easier said than done!

We are going to LA to visit one of my oldest friends and her kids. I am so looking forward to getting away from H (my Ds and I are going since they are on spring vacation.)

Hang in there, cliche as it sounds!

[Grace_O]

lmg,

I hope the trip allows you enough space to feel some peace. Have fun and spoil yourself and the girls!

HUGS