Hey, ND, Tomato, and Nut! ND, your story stinks! I can see how we are kindred spirits here. Neither of our STBX are acting appropriately which is so very unfortunate.
I'm going to keep pushing myself to focus on me and not those things that I can't control. It all comes down to my realizing I can't continue to worry about what W does or says. You've got it right, Nut. You have been consistent w/ that message all along. I'm hoping to finally get it b/c if I don't it will be the end of the M for sure.
I know what I've done that was pressuring W in the past and I've spent the past few days "wishing" I would have had the DB book sooner. The problem is, I didn't, so now I've got a small chance to try and turn things around. If I don't stop this slide now, it's over. Tomato, I am partly to blame, but I can't bear all of this. Someday (or maybe never) W will have to face up to her part in our troubles. If she doesn't, then it will be her relationship w/ D that suffers.
I had another DB Coaching appointment today and I entered the situation very pessimistic about my sitch and left re-energized. It has all come down to a very, very simple point that you have pointed out to me. I'm trying to control W's actions - both w/ OM and w/ D. I've been thinking I've been backing off, but I learned today, that I've been doing the exact opposite.
So, now my challenge is to let go of everything - expectations on what W does w/ OM and what she does w/ D. I've got to not expect her to even be nice and I've got to be consistent w/ my actions. I've been pretty good, but not good enough. I have to be better and I can't slip up. This is my one chance b/c my M is on a very, very shaky fault line right now.
We pinpointed this morning that W wants attention, power and control, and revenge. I now have a pretty good understanding of how my actions were still controlling, so I really think I can stop them. I have to do a full 180 as I really haven't done that up until now.
W has felt I've been controlling, so I can't worry about what she does at all. In fact, as I've been preparing to submit documents to the parenting evaluator, I'm going to focus on submitting ONLY items that show I'm a good father and NOT that show W is a bad mother. Thus, I've decided to NOT include information about her inviting OM to the birthday party. That would be counter-productive to the DBing process and would be another form of my trying to control W's behavior.
W also feels as if I haven't considered her feelings for a long time so she's going to make sure my feelings aren't considered either. So my immediate goal for the next two weeks is to lower the hostilities by actually doing a complete 180 and sticking with it. Again, I thought I was doing it, but I haven't been close. I know it isn't too late and I can't make up for lost time, so I'm looking at this as NOW OR NEVER.
Over the next two weeks, I'm going to make sure W's feelings are heard and respected. That will be a complete 180 for me and will help a ton. I've already started this process today by taking the hit on not getting an estimate on the backyard landscaping and telling W I'd pay for it b/c I didn't get the estimate and run it by her first. W responded w/ another attack, but also said "she'd pay for 1/2, but this is my last freebie" and everything in the future is ok'd by her in advance or she won't pay. She also attacked on the real estate agent and wanted an update.
I replied that regardless of my intentions, I need to be more clear w/ her on all things and that I completely agreed w/ this statement. I also told her that I wanted the real estate agents to contact her directly so she can feel good about who we go with to sell our house. I made very sure to include her opinion and feelings on this situation and will basically let her make the call. That will be another 180, be less controlling on my part and allow her feelings and opinions to be recognized.
I'm also going to leave the birthday party to her and D and set up another weekend where it is just Daddy and D going out and having tea, getting her nails done, making jewelry, etc. My W and D share the same birthday, so I'm going to let the 26th and 27th be all about them and not me. It will be their chance to celebrate and then D will have another chance w/ me.
I have been against this initially and fought W on OM coming. However, despite the fact it is wrong to have OM there and WE all know what the right thing to do would be, my protestations are merely another form of control. I'm going instead to take this approach and focus on D and soley on D. D will get two parties and I'm sure she'll love it.
I'll be broaching this subject to W later today and I'll let you know how it turns out and what reactions it will elicit.
Thanks for checking in and I'll keep you posted. RTL
