RTL, The reason why your W is trying to hurt you is because of a defense mechanism. She si trying to hurt you because of her own issues. Again, it is the same thing I am going through. It is the only thing she knows.
Try this one on for size... Saturday I get a text message asking what my plans were. I did not have any since our S was really sick and we agreed to making sure he had someone to stay with him throughout the weekend, the custody order went through Wednesday and we are supposed to trade off every weekend. My STBX asked if I could watch Jack, which I did not have a problem with. She then goes out with the guy she has been dating since October and he comes to the house to pick her up. Initally there was a little shock to it but what does that say about the guy she has invested so much time with??? Ultimately, she is going to try and get a rise out of you anyway possible. She will continue to do so for some time. You need to focus on you and your D. I know it is tough but there will be growth and a shift in priorities to which she will not have the same effect as she does now.
Keep working through this. Post on your boards, talk to you trust, and make sure you are taking care of you. Once the decree from the courts comes down, she is on her own. If she does not want to work with it, she is just hurting her future with your D. You can not control it but the courts will give you the stability you desire.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I have to print out my e-mails for the parenting evaluator and as I'm going back through them I realize that I put far too much pressure on my W and she just snapped.
Hi RTL,
This is good, I am glad you notice the supplemental part you played. You have been hard at work even prior to noticing that and you are well underway at making yourself the best person possible. Cudos to you.
Just be careful not to over implicate yourself in terms of the extreme actions your W has taken. Don't let the line get blurred and fuzzy when it comes to the delineation of accountability. Even though I know you are D favorite hero, in the grand scheme of it all none of us are super heros. So do not believe for a second that you started the domino effect of all of this crap due to some shortcomings of yours. I doubt that you do but steer well clear of it.
I hope that your DB phone session went very well. May the Lord's peace buoy you.
I'm also concerned w/ her co-parenting abilities as she is showing ZERO interest in sharing and is acting like a spoiled child. If the evaluator does what I'm hoping for in granting 50/50 custody and joint legal custody, then I'm afraid W will blow a gasket and who knows what will happen then.
How she reacts to that kind of decision is beyond your control. You can't control the future.
She is angry and afraid right now, so she is pulling out all the stops to provoke you into making a mistake. Don't fall for it.
Hey, ND, Tomato, and Nut! ND, your story stinks! I can see how we are kindred spirits here. Neither of our STBX are acting appropriately which is so very unfortunate.
I'm going to keep pushing myself to focus on me and not those things that I can't control. It all comes down to my realizing I can't continue to worry about what W does or says. You've got it right, Nut. You have been consistent w/ that message all along. I'm hoping to finally get it b/c if I don't it will be the end of the M for sure.
I know what I've done that was pressuring W in the past and I've spent the past few days "wishing" I would have had the DB book sooner. The problem is, I didn't, so now I've got a small chance to try and turn things around. If I don't stop this slide now, it's over. Tomato, I am partly to blame, but I can't bear all of this. Someday (or maybe never) W will have to face up to her part in our troubles. If she doesn't, then it will be her relationship w/ D that suffers.
I had another DB Coaching appointment today and I entered the situation very pessimistic about my sitch and left re-energized. It has all come down to a very, very simple point that you have pointed out to me. I'm trying to control W's actions - both w/ OM and w/ D. I've been thinking I've been backing off, but I learned today, that I've been doing the exact opposite.
So, now my challenge is to let go of everything - expectations on what W does w/ OM and what she does w/ D. I've got to not expect her to even be nice and I've got to be consistent w/ my actions. I've been pretty good, but not good enough. I have to be better and I can't slip up. This is my one chance b/c my M is on a very, very shaky fault line right now.
We pinpointed this morning that W wants attention, power and control, and revenge. I now have a pretty good understanding of how my actions were still controlling, so I really think I can stop them. I have to do a full 180 as I really haven't done that up until now.
W has felt I've been controlling, so I can't worry about what she does at all. In fact, as I've been preparing to submit documents to the parenting evaluator, I'm going to focus on submitting ONLY items that show I'm a good father and NOT that show W is a bad mother. Thus, I've decided to NOT include information about her inviting OM to the birthday party. That would be counter-productive to the DBing process and would be another form of my trying to control W's behavior.
W also feels as if I haven't considered her feelings for a long time so she's going to make sure my feelings aren't considered either. So my immediate goal for the next two weeks is to lower the hostilities by actually doing a complete 180 and sticking with it. Again, I thought I was doing it, but I haven't been close. I know it isn't too late and I can't make up for lost time, so I'm looking at this as NOW OR NEVER.
Over the next two weeks, I'm going to make sure W's feelings are heard and respected. That will be a complete 180 for me and will help a ton. I've already started this process today by taking the hit on not getting an estimate on the backyard landscaping and telling W I'd pay for it b/c I didn't get the estimate and run it by her first. W responded w/ another attack, but also said "she'd pay for 1/2, but this is my last freebie" and everything in the future is ok'd by her in advance or she won't pay. She also attacked on the real estate agent and wanted an update.
I replied that regardless of my intentions, I need to be more clear w/ her on all things and that I completely agreed w/ this statement. I also told her that I wanted the real estate agents to contact her directly so she can feel good about who we go with to sell our house. I made very sure to include her opinion and feelings on this situation and will basically let her make the call. That will be another 180, be less controlling on my part and allow her feelings and opinions to be recognized.
I'm also going to leave the birthday party to her and D and set up another weekend where it is just Daddy and D going out and having tea, getting her nails done, making jewelry, etc. My W and D share the same birthday, so I'm going to let the 26th and 27th be all about them and not me. It will be their chance to celebrate and then D will have another chance w/ me.
I have been against this initially and fought W on OM coming. However, despite the fact it is wrong to have OM there and WE all know what the right thing to do would be, my protestations are merely another form of control. I'm going instead to take this approach and focus on D and soley on D. D will get two parties and I'm sure she'll love it.
I'll be broaching this subject to W later today and I'll let you know how it turns out and what reactions it will elicit.
Thanks for checking in and I'll keep you posted. RTL
I sent W the e-mail about not being at D's birthday party and she wrote back immediately asking why I wasn't going to be there. I replied that it was their weekend and they were the princesses so they should celebrate it together and D and I would have our special time the following weekend. W then sent more questions as to why I wouldn't be coming.
I didn't reply to her, but I called to try and get to my DB coach before she left the office. She was busy, but they told me to send an e-mail and they'd try to get it to her so she could respond to me right away. So I pulled off at the library and was assigned a computer with the hopes of typing a quick e-mail to my DB coach before my counseling appointment. As luck would have it, the computer wouldn't connect to the internet after 10 minutes and I had to make my appointment, so I left.
After meeting w/ the C, I raced home and fired off the e-mail, but it was too late as I've still not heard anything. So, when I called for D at 7:30, W kept badgering me to answer why I wasn't coming to the party. Finally after her asking four times, I said "I'm not comfortable w/ OM being at the party."
W replied that he wasn't coming and I told her all of her responses yesterday clearly said he'd be there. W then said "well, you never specifically said you didn't want OM to come." I told her three times I would appreciate it if OM wasn't at the party. What more was I supposed to say?
I thanked her sincerely for letting me know he wouldn't be there and said I did wish she would have stated this yesterday. W then laid into me and said OM wasn't the reason for the D (I just said, "ok" which I think ticked her off). W then added that she had asked for a D in August (not true) which was long before she had met OM (again, not true).
W told me I needed to figure out what the "f*ck" I was doing about the party and added "regardless of whether OM was coming, and he's not coming, your concern should be what is best for your daughter and not what is best for you." I replied, "but if I was to act inappropriately because OM is there, then my not being at the party would be in the best interest of my D." With that W handed the phone to D and D and I chatted playfully for about 15 minutes.
I went to the gym after that to work w/ the trainer, but my heart wasn't in it. I was so bouyed today after my discussion w/ my coach this morning and I really felt I was doing the right thing. The problem is W sees it as selfish on my part and I'm just hoping I didn't blow things by mentioning OM. I didn't know what else to do so I told the truth.
I'm hoping to catch my DB coach tomorrow for a talk and I'll let you know what she says and give you her take on today's situation. I hope I handled myself ok today and didn't do too much damage.
W told me I needed to figure out what the "f*ck" I was doing about the party and added "regardless of whether OM was coming, and he's not coming, your concern should be what is best for your daughter and not what is best for you." I replied, "but if I was to act inappropriately because OM is there, then my not being at the party would be in the best interest of my D." With that W handed the phone to D and D and I chatted playfully for about 15 minutes.
Go to the party. Be your D's dad. By being absent, you show your D that you are weaker than your W and her OM.
Even if she says that OM won't be there, she might have him there just to mess with your head. You can't let her pathology dictate the terms of your relationship with your daughter. That gives her way too much power.
RTL, You did what you thought was right, enough said. I am sure you can speak with your daughter and explain yourself and if she understands then that is all that matters. Your STBX is still trying to poke at you to get a rise. She is still angry and wants you to react to her anger.
If you go with what "nut" is suggesting, go and be the bigger person. Be polite and sincere. This way if you do not react to what your STBX's attempts to get a rise out of you, everyone will know who is the bigger person. Essentially you could beat her at her own game by just focusing on your D.
At the time and point, you did what you thought was right, there is no fault in that. Do what you think is right for you as well as your D. What your W thinks about the whole situation should not enter your thoughts...
Last edited by NoDirection; 04/15/0802:55 PM.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
So a new day has come and W is hounding me again about whether or not I'm going to the party. I want to go and should go, but what I wonder now, with my DBing is will I be backing down? Will I in effect be controlling my W through my initial decision not to attend?
Those are definitely not the goals I want to accomplish here. I'm not sure they will get me closer to my goal of not disrespecting my W's feeling and making her feel as if I'm not trying to control her actions.
I'm very confused right now and I'll be talking again w/ my DB coach on Thursday morning, but I'm struggling w/ how to effectively handle this in the interim. If I do reply to her right now, I think I'd simply say "I'll let you know on the party and if I don't end up coming, I'll tell D why myself. Again, this is your weekend too, so I don't want to be a distraction at all. I want you two to enjoy it together."
Again, I'm not sure. I may get an e-mail from the DB coach today which may help me with the situation and how best to go forward w/ it today. If not, I'll try and put the answer off until I've had a chance to talk w/ my DB Coach on Thursday morning.
I'm hoping to be able to do this and still pull and effective 180. Right now, I'm not really sure what an effective 180 would be. I'm pretty confused.
RTL I think you should decide and let W know right away. As a woman , I know it drives me crazy when my H make me wait and wonder over something, why anger her more. There is no right and wrong and she needs to understand this is a difficult situation for you, so it is hard to know what to do. When you think about though, it can only be beneficial to your D. Even if your divorce goes forward and W ends up with OM, it can only make things easier for D if she sees you can manage to be together when it has to do with her, I know it is terrible for you and not right your D is in this situation , but at least you going to the party might alleviate some of her fears about the future. You were asked to come, b y both D and W so, if you can deal , then go.
