Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Logged on to post this and then saw the post above, so will go ahead and post this before trying to respond to the above.

Trying to figure out this NC thing, and boundaries.

H doesn't want me to be his wife anymore, but he expects me to still fulfill many "wifely" duties. (No, not sex, he's got the 21 yr. old bouncing baby bimbo for that!!)

There are 2 main issues. The kids, and finances/bills/house sale.

This post is about the kids.

H does take S9 and D5 to school on T,W,Th mornings. It's less than 5 minutes with them each time, but H uses this to justify to himself and to the C and everyone else that he is a great dad and sees his kids EVERY DAY! Urgh!

We just had Temporary Orders set on March 12, and it was made very clear that he is supposed to be responsible for the kids on Thursdays from the time school gets out until 7pm, or until whatever activity they are involved in for the evening is done. He has yet to do this. He is also supposed to have them every other weekend from 6pm Friday til 6pm Sunday. He isn't great about this, either. He wants me to be flexible, but he refuses to be flexible for me.

How do I handle this?

Meredith gave me some great advice once on how to handle some things---to pretend he is shipwrecked by choice on a deserted island. Send him a messenger bird to inform him about things going on with the kids, tell him that we would appreciate any help he could give with carpools and attending practices and games and events, and then leave it alone. If he helps out, great. If not, well, I would have to deal with it all on my own somehow if her really WERE stranded on a deserted island, or even if he had died in a car wreck 12 months ago, now wouldn't I?

I have been trying to do things this way as much as possible. S9 does call to ask him sometimes about taking him to soccer practice, but so far he's refused every time except once. (When OW then trash talked me about not bothering to care for my kids, so maybe THEY should take custody.)

But I'm trying to figure out some of the small details. They may not seem like much, but I do think his relationship with his kids needs to be that, HIS, and so far I'm feel like I'm still doing too much of the encouraging of him spending time with them by still handling all the wifely details.

I'm not saying I'm not Standing anymore, but since he is determined to get a D, and it most likely will happen by end of summer, I think it's time for him to face reality as far as what it means to be a divorced dad.

On Thursdays, he sometimes picks S9 and D5 up from their school, and they must have a "car rider" note if they are not to ride the bus. So far I've been sending the car rider note for H, but have forgotten a couple of times and had to tell him he could pick the kids up here at the house when they get off the bus instead. (Doesn't really matter as he brings them straight here even when he picks them up in car.)

Since H is the one who picks them up and takes them to school on Thurs. mornings, I'm thinking of telling him he needs to start sending a note with them if he plans to pick them up by car that day, otherwise, he needs to be waiting in the driveway for them at school bus time. But I'm also thinking of telling him that he can no longer come hang out with them at the house---he wants the D, so he needs to start following the court ordered visitation and actually have them for the whole time on Thurs. The house is about to go on the market, and when it sells and the kids and I move, I cannot imagine allowing him to have such freedom in my new home. I will really need to separate him from my life in order to gain some perspective. Again, not saying I won't still be standing, but he is a stranger to me now, and I wouldn't allow a stranger that much access to my house. So, maybe that kind of separation needs to start now.

But then I waffle. Is this really what's best for the kids, since he is such a putz right now? And treats them badly? I don't mean he beats them, but he is distracted and moody and short tempered with them, so do I really want them to be with him? But then I waffle the other way. I DO want an evening to myself now and then, and when I go back to work full time, I will NEED that. I do feel taken advantage of.

Same thing happens on weekends that he is supposed to have them. He has no idea what's going on in their lives, even when he has the tools to inform him. When I registered S9 for soccer, I gave them H's email address so that he would get all of the updates on games and practice schedules, etc. H missed S9's game on the 6th, and when S9 called to tell him about it and ask why he hadn't been there, H blamed it on Mommy for not telling him about it. <urgh>

This weekend was his, and when he was here on Thursday, he said he needed to ask a favor, that he had been invited to a party on Sat. evening and really wanted to go.... I told him I needed to check with him about Sat. anyway, as it was the evening of the kids' swim team banquet. Told him I had bought the tickets a long time back, before I realized it would be his wkend, but he was welcome to have my ticket to take the kids if he wanted, but if not, I would really like to take them. Said S9 and D5 didn't need to stay until midnight, as D14 would want to do, and could he pick them up at 10pm. Said that way he would get to go to his party for at least a while, kids would get to do something they were looking forward to, and D14 was planning to go home with a friend afterwards, if that was okay with him, since I had plans for 10pm after little ones left.

He refused to pick them up, and was trying to figure out places for them to spend the night. I suggested that he call his parents, as they would love to have the kids, but since he is angry at them, he flatly refused. He ended up refusing to pick them up and dumped it all on me to deal with. I ended up asking my in-laws to take them, and of course they agreed. (I had actually discussed it with them before H even brought it up, since I KNEW he would allow them to go to the banquet but would refuse to pick them up later, since he has no real desire to spend time with them, anyway.)

What if there had been no swim team banquet and I was going out of town to visit my sister's new baby? Who would he have dumped my kids on Sat. night so he could go to his damned party? That worries me, but I can't live the next 10 years of my life allowing him to affect my weekend plans, can I? I HATE THIS!

He called and left a msg. early Sunday afternoon saying he knew (S9 called him Sunday morn. on the used but new to S9 cell phone that H just gave him) that the kids had spent the night at his parents house, that he had wanted to do something with them but refused to go pick them up from there, and that if I wanted to go pick them up and then have the kids call him he would do something with them. If not, he would do something with them on Thurs. or next weekend. Wow. How generous and magnanimous. <sigh>

I ignored the voice msg. and did not call him back.

So, to recap the actual questions from the novella length post. Do I put responsibility on H (in a politely worded request, of course) for his R with the kids by being in charge of his own Thursday afternoon pick-up routine? Do I continue to allow him to hang out at the house on Thurs. afternoons, or tell him that he needs to start making other plans for something to do with them? And for weekends, how can I not be a doormat?

Thanks for all the words of wisdom I have received.