Well, hallelujah! I'm about to have a spiritual experience! These last posts are the greatest, Steve! And, yes you do deserve a gold star.....more than that...for being the best student ever!
I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time when you were explaining how you wanted to sweep your wife off her feet and ravish her. Are you sure you haven't seen Gone With the Wind, yet? lol
Oh, she is showing positive signs, alright. A heart? WOW! Plus she calls her H (who she sees is stepping up as a man now) to take charge and do something powerful like have her appointment changed for her! Steve, sweetie, that is a wonderful sign! Plus...you did it, too! Big, big brownie points there with her.
Now, about your mother. Maybe I have told this....can't remember. When my son, who was a big guy with a bigger heart, began to change into a "man"......I was not sure I like his new image at all. I was a bit like you mom and tried to use my "power" as his mother to listen to what I had to say. But, he just told me that I was wanting him to remain a boy and not accept the fact that he was his own man now. He said he had always went along with whatever the family wanted him to do b/c he did not want to cause hard feelings, but no more b/c he had grown up and I was going to have to live with that fact. Guess what? That is exactly what I had to do, too. I see you mother doing the very same thing! She is having a hard time excepting these changes in you. Tough! She has no choice in the matter. You are your own boss. If she wants a normal relationship with her son, she will have to accept his changes. Stick to your guns, sweetie. The family will come around at some point. Right now, the W and baby are your priority.
I can tell that reading Making her Happy is helping your alpha male self! But, isn't his name David Cunningham? Maybe I am mistaken....anyway, if it is helping, that is what is important.
Back to her pursuing you.......as I've told you before, it has never, ever been my nature to do like I see women in the movies and how they "pursue" a man. I would dress sexy and flirt and show more affection, but that was about as far as I could go with it. To actually initiate the sex itself was always so hard b/c I saw that as being the "man's role" and I know that sounds terribly old fashion. I think your W is showing several signs that she is liking what she is seeing in her "new" husband. If you do get all the right signals from her......maybe...now, I'm just saying "maybe" she does want you to "take her" and be very passionate with her. She has seen these other changes in you, maybe she is wondering if you have changed in bed also??? Tricky situation, so be careful. As Saffie said, we are a complex creature!
I just feel that this time that you have coming up to "relax" together is going to have some good results.
You mentioned some other feelings that you didn't understand why you were feeling those emotions or something to that effect. You must realize how much change has taken place in your body, your mind, and your attitude. Look how fast you have grown!!! You have taken in so much information and tried to grasp and apply all of it the best you could, so I think you are just kind of exhausted from all of it. It is like you went to "boot camp" and now you need to relax a litte bit and try to just enjoy life. I know that it bothers you that your W "stepped down" in her choice of OM, but as Saffie has explained, that is common place with most people and affairs. Men who have beautiful wives go have an affair with an ugly woman. So, it doesn't always make sense. Stop trying to figure it out, okay? You are the one that is getting the victory here, not the OM. I know if she was still hung up on the OM, she would not be making heart-shapes out of ketchup on your dinner! These are messages she is sending you.
Steve, I love your sense of humor. I hope you show that side of yourself to your wife. That is also a good way to gradually get back into a closer relationship with her. Having a good time, relaxing with each other, playing or flirting with a sense of humor, and not talking R will get you there quicker than anything else.
Okay, okay.....so I've written another looooong post...lol. But I am so excited for you. I just know you will have your success story posted very soon.
God bless.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But, he just told me that I was wanting him to remain a boy and not accept the fact that he was his own man now. He said he had always went along with whatever the family wanted him to do b/c he did not want to cause hard feelings, but no more b/c he had grown up and I was going to have to live with that fact.
That is pretty much it. I dont know if I am going to have to say that directly to my mother or not, but I will if I have to.
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The family will come around at some point. Right now, the W and baby are your priority.
Yes, always have been, and always will. From now, the main difference will be that I will actively show W that she is the priority, and not just assume that she knows.
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I think your W is showing several signs that she is liking what she is seeing in her "new" husband.
I think so, but I think that also confuses her and maybe scares her a little, like what Rob said before.
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I'm just saying "maybe" she does want you to "take her" and be very passionate with her. She has seen these other changes in you, maybe she is wondering if you have changed in bed also??? Tricky situation, so be careful. As Saffie said, we are a complex creature!
Women!! I am sure that when the time comes that is what my W wants. But I dont think that time is anytime soon, so I wont get my hopes up. I am just making sure to be well dressed, and smell nice and be nicely groomed (all over ;)). Oh and wearing nice underwear.... just in case!lol.
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I just feel that this time that you have coming up to "relax" together is going to have some good results.
I really hope so, but at the same time I am trying not to hope!
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Steve, I love your sense of humor. I hope you show that side of yourself to your wife. That is also a good way to gradually get back into a closer relationship with her. Having a good time, relaxing with each other, playing or flirting with a sense of humor, and not talking R will get you there quicker than anything else.
Yes, we are making each other laugh again. Bring back a few of those `private jokes`.
Been trying to sleep together recently, but she has not been sleeping well while I am there, so I have called it off for now. If we will try, I have suggested doing it at the weekend when we have more time to relax, and dont need to get up for work. She said she needs space in the bed, even though I am on the edge of my side lol! She said she has to think about not moving. I told her that we dont need to rush this, that when the time is right we will be ok. We got used to sleeping with each other before, and we can do it again. She said she might be feeling like this at the moment because of being pregnant. She is still a bit sick with it at the moment. She has a bad back, form working at the PC in work. SO none of this is helping. I can wait a while more for this to happen.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
I started the day a little annoyed. My Ws mobile is in my name. She didnt have a good credit rating when she first arrived as new to the country. I got the bill today, I filed it away. I noticed that the bill was 50% higher than the contract charge. Saw that she had gone over her allocated amount of free texts last month. Now, I am not snooping. I know that she texts other people apart from OM, and to be honest I dont care who she texts at them moment, it is not my business for now. The thing that gets my goat is that she says she is too busy to text me back during the day. I only text her now if I have a point, like a question or something. I usually get a reply, may have to wait for it. Now thins doesnt bother me as I know she is busy in work, but it now seems that she is just too busy to reply to me, other people are ok.
So I mulled this over for a while, and I decided to forget it and continue in form I had been in. I stopped off at her favourite beauty place on the way home and booked her in for a manicure and a pedicure, as she was complaining of it getting a bit tough to reach her toenails what with the bump growing. SO I gave her this after we both got home, she was pleased with it and for a split second it was as if things were normal. She pursed her lips and leaned in a slight bit. I was a bit slow out of the blocks and jsut managed a smile, then she caught herself too. We had a quick laugh, and I gave her my cheek to kiss. SO there we go, she is NOT opposed to kissing me if the circumstances are right. So all I need to do is keep going, make more opportunites, and see what happens.
I booked our trip to Tenerife this evening. So we are definatley going. To see my grandparents.
Good day. I have discussed some of my readings of David Deida with W as it is something I know she would be interestedin. I mentioned that I wasnt happy last year, as I wasnt being in my masculine as I should have been. So my heart was not happy. I know Ws heart is not happy to, so I asked her if her job was truly making her happy, she thinks not. She is a naturally feminine person and it does take its toll on her being in a masculine job. For those of you who havent read David Deida, I am not trying to be sexist at all.
I think that all the time we are moving together, not directly, but I think that our paths will join again inthe future, so we are slowly moving to that point.
I went to the gym today, they have changed all the machines, so I am going to quit and find a new one. I also got a haircut!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Very good Steve. No setbacks now. I would not worry about the texting at the moment either. It's good to read of some successes and things moving in the proper direction. No backsliding. Keep up what your doing.
have discussed some of my readings of David Deida with W as it is something I know she would be interestedin.
Are you sure you want to give away your secrets here? I guess if it were me, I would not discuss how I use to be and was learning from this book. Kind of kills it, wouldn't you think? Just my 2 cents. Maybe she would like to but I think part of the "mystery" would be for her not to know the source of your changes for the better! It's kind of like a woman giving her man a book where she learned all her charming ways and how to use them on her H. If he read it, then when he saw this in her, he might think, "Oh, she's just using some of that stuff in that book".
As a rule, I never kept anything from my H, but many years ago a popular book was written about how women could become the "Total Woman" with their H's by doing all these wonderful things. One of those things was to dress up in "costumes" to welcome him home and to excite him. Some were pretty sexy, so usually I would have to have the children spending the night with the grandparents. It was great until I ordered the tape and he insisted to listen to it. I really objected to it, but he did anyway, and sure enough....it just wasn't the same with the cosutme bit anymore. He liked the other attention, but it seem to kind of kill that part as though he thought I was following an assignment or something.
You did good about keeping your cool over the phone bill. I don't know that I could have controlled my anger, so once again, I'm proud of you. To top even that.....you go and do something really sweet and surprise her! Man, are you something!
Back to the discussion my son had with me about growing into a man. He did not get ugly with me, b/c he never has shown disrespect, but he did say it in a firm enough way that I knew he meant business and that I was not going to do any good by challenging him or nagging him about it. I may not have liked the changes at first, but the rough edges smoothed off and now, I think he is just as great as he was as a little boy. You will have to be firm with your mother. You don't have to raise you voice or get into verbal fight, but tell her firmly that she will have to accept the changes in you b/c she really has no choice if she wants to be a happy part of your life.
The wife sleeping....or rather not sleeping with you in the bed with her. I have had a bad back for many years and surround myself with pillows. Some behind me and some in front of me. As her tummy grows, she will learn to place a pillow in front (if she lays on her side) to brace the weight. She will place one next to her back for support. She may toss and turn until she feels she is distrubing your rest. Although, if you two slept back to back, you could actually help support her laying against her back.....your back to her back. It sounds like she is wanting you, but maybe not quite sure.......I think you are probably right.
Now Steve, sweetie, when I told you not to set yourself up for disappointment, I did not mean for you to allow yourself to have a good time! So, you go on your trip and make the most of it, okay? Just don't think it will do some miracle (that is setting yourself up for hurt), but enjoy it as it comes. Just relax and try to stay upbeat. Let it come naturally.
Just one more word of caution tonight, back to telling your wife about the book from David that you are reading, be careful not to get back to talking about your changes......let her just see them. When you discuss how much you are changing, I'm concerned that it will appear kind of "needy" or "clingy" again. Something to think about. No large slip, so don't go jump off the entire mountain....lol.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had a good weekend. Didnt feel compelled to come on and type a report for Saturday, which I take as a good sign.
I am definately more `aware` of what I am doing. I am thinking before I speak. Things like when W ask me what I want to eat or what I want to do.. I make sure that even if I dont know, I come up with an answer. I have made it clear especailly this weekend, that I am her MAN. I have taken the lead everywhere I can, but always trying to take her needs on board. I actually said a couple of times over the weekend `you are mine/ you are my girl` or something like that, and recieved an answer of `yeah`. Reassuring. Went out with my grandparents on Saturday night, and W was looking to me to take the lead in recommend things of the menu for my Grandparents. SHe definately wants me in this alpha male position. Doesnt take too much effort for me to be there either. Held hands a bit more while we walked around at the weekend. Was nice with grandparents, we talked abit about our lives, and Gparents said they thought it would be best for us to get away from the family abit, and I shoudlnt feel bad about wanting to do that. I think they wanted to advise us a bit more, but we will have time for that when we visit them. They have been married for 53 years now, so I am sure they might have a couple of pointers!lol I slept the whole night in our bed on Saturday night. I took Sandis advice and just got in and she didnt complain about it. We both slept well. We slept a bit this afternoon too, were holding hands when we slept. we used to hold hands almost every night when we slept before (I know..sickeningly sweet!lol), so that was nice. I have let her sleep alone again tonight and during the week because I want her to be able to relax. If she can get used to me slowly again at the weekend, I am sure we can start throwing a few weekdays in soon.
Bit more flirting and bit more touchy this weekend. W would say things like `stop` or `naughty boy` but always with a smile on her face so I tried to read her between the lines and I think I git it right. Might have gone a little too far once, but not a lot and I recovered immediately. Dont mind saying I was REALLY horny today! Hopefully not long to go!!!
W called her Mum back in Japan this weekend, and talked about the possiblity of us going back. The fact that she even mentioned this to her Mum I take as a very good dign that we can move away from here. With regards to my own parents, my mother was a bit `off` on Saturday with me, but I dont really care now. She is a bit sick at the moment, and she is also going through menopause (guess I could have metioned that before).
With regard to telling my W about the books, I dont give to much away, and I know she wont read them, as I said English is not her first language, and they would be pretty heavy going for her. So should be ok there.
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Now Steve, sweetie, when I told you not to set yourself up for disappointment, I did not mean for you to allow yourself to have a good time! So, you go on your trip and make the most of it, okay? Just don't think it will do some miracle (that is setting yourself up for hurt), but enjoy it as it comes. Just relax and try to stay upbeat. Let it come naturally.
I am trying. Like I said before, I think it would be much nicer when I look back at this time to have let it happened naturally then to have pestered W for a kiss! We are flirting about the kiss abit. I am really trying to stop that though... Dont think this trip will work miracles, if only for the fact that my Garandparents will be sleeping in the next room!lol.
W is definately getting more open and `feminine` again with me. The `wall` is starting to come down little by little I feel. And I think it is due in no small part to the efforts I have made to put myself back in the position of HER MAN.
Cheers
Steve
PS I have bought myself a nice little notebook for jotting down things and ideas about W. I always have nice ideas for gifts that I forget, or she will mention a favourite flower this season. So I want to be able to remember everything that will help me to be a great husband... hence my notebook! When I thought about it, there are alot of things that I knew about her..favourite things etc. that I just cannot really recall (I know I am bad). But not from now!
Last edited by steve477; 04/13/0810:08 PM.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Had a chat about her job last night. At about 2am. She couldnt sleep, and I got up to see if she was ok. We chatted as she was worried about her job and her boss. I screwed up a little, as she thought I didnt understand her and wasnt giving her sympathy, and my excuses for being so made her in a worse mood. I am reaching too high I think, as even if we were happily married we woud still have fights and disagreements. So I think this should be ok. Especailly as I ended the night in bed with her. Bit worried about her though. She is very tired now, so I need to be careful tonight. The problem was I intimated that her job is taking over her life (not how I really feel... most of the time). I also dont know how or when or if I should ever tell her that she cant continue to work in that job and be married to me. Of course as OM is there.
To throw more complications in this mix, the other other guy. The one that is just her friend, but he is being inappropriate. He is now emailing her (I was talking with her while she checked). AND his W left him before Christmas! Now I really trust my W when she says that she is just his friend, and he needs someone to talk to. But I dont trust him.
Need to just go with the flow with these 2 points for now and see how it pans out.
Still, I am fine.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Beating myself up a bit today over the mistakes I have made to bring me to this point, and the things I should have said in last nights chat.
I can honestly say I have and will continue to learn from my mistakes.
Anyone in the UK know anything about MarriageCare? I called them today and tried to arrange for W and I to see a councellor. If W is willing that is!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Hopefully not long to go!!!