K, I haven't posted b/c I don't know how to boil 3 days down into a page.
I think this is the turning point, make-or-break week for us. Maybe that sounds over the top, but that is how it seems. I am not at all sure what I should do, how I should do it.
The gist of the weekend is that H is an all-out mess. His back hurt so bad he couldn't sleep either night, that and our situation keeping him awake. His chiropractor told him it is all muscular and will only heal with time and rest. He says he has no time to rest.....add it to the list of his problems. H sees himself in this giant hole and no one can get him out but him. And he doesn't see any of the ropes or ladders that are all around him (his own strength, God, his family, friends, me, etc). Everything that can go wrong, does. He spent 4 hours yesterday putting a shower pan liner in the shower in the basement. Then he realized the Lowe's people gave him the wrong directions for the sealant and he had to tear it out.....then he was packing to leave and went down and another pipe was leaking....he actually broke down in tears several times yesterday. Everything, to him, in his life is turning to SH!T. My biggest urge is to say, everything is going wrong because you are making the wrong choices, but I didn't say that, not once.
Anyway our situation is I asked him to practice the talk with S. He didn't want to. I asked if I would have to do it alone. He said no. It comes down to he really just doesn't want to get a divorce, he doesn't want to break up the family. He said he feels certain that the news will "destroy", and "crush" our son. He cried when he said that. I told him the only other option for me was if H could commit to working on us being a "real" married couple, meaning I want the closeness, the trust, the partnership back. I said I can't stay with you just so Nathan isn't unhappy.
He pointed out that his mom left his dad a dozen times and always came back and that as a kid he wished she would stay gone from his dad b/c they were so unhappy together. I said, that is not what I want for us. But the options aren't 1)stay together miserable or 2)split up and be miserable. I told him in my book the third option was to change our patterns and make us a couple that didn't look like EITHER of our parents' marriages. It is just so hard for him to believe that is possible.
I asked what held him back from opening up to me. He said he has been close to me and then hurt me so many times he doesn't want to do that again. Doesn't want to find himself back "here" in 2 years, 3 years...........I said that was the whole point of our separation, figuring out if he and I could do the "work" needed to make sure we weren't the same couple as before. I also told him he was rewriting the past too b/c we have had years of good times. He agreed that was true, and I agreed I had done the same thing trying to overlook some of the bad times. Anyway I told him I needed him to be able to be my husband and let me love him like a wife should or we couldn't do this anymore.
He just keeps saying he has thought and thought and thought and hasn't been able to make a decision. He doesn't want to lose me, he knows "logically" (my word, based on what he says) that I am an amazing wife, mother, lover, friend, etc. He knows that the kids would be best served living with a mom AND dad who love them and love each other and are committed to being in a strong, healthy marriage. But he can't seem to make the leap into believing with all his heart that WE can be that couple.
Anyway he cried every time we talked about it. He wants more time, but he understands that I think it has been enough time. In his current mind state, another two months and I think we would still be right here. He says he wants to touch me, hold me, be close to me, but when he tries, he "can't". Some guy out there translate that for me. I wonder if it is guilt b/c he has hurt me so much and doesn't deserve those things with me? But shouldn't that be MY decision?
He said again how all he makes are bad decisions. He changed jobs a couple years ago, and regretted it. He isn't sure the job he is in now was a good choice. He bought a big truck 2 years ago, it was a bad decision. Now he thinks the new truck was the wrong choice,,,,,,,yada yada. So he is afraid to choose in our Marriage b/c it will also be the wrong choice. I told him not choosing was a choice b/c he knows that means I will decide on my own, that I have decided.
The bottom line is that I told him we will tell Nathan next weekend if he can't make a decision to "jump" and work on us by then. I know time lines and ultimatums are dangerous. And I do NOT want to get a divorce. And I KNOW H doesn't either. It was coming off of him in waves this weekend. He just doesn't know how to get it back on track. And I can't walk him through it, he has to do it himself. With all he has done to hurt me, hurt US this past year--and before that--coming back to our marriage has to be HIS decision, not something I "made" him do.......
So even though I do not want to go forward this way I really don't see a lot of options. Time is NOT on my side, I know you guys think it is. The longer I give H, the bigger hole he digs himself.......
