This is my first time posting on this wonderful site. I have been married for 13 ½ years. I found out that W had an affair about 9 years ago.
At the time of the affair we were having trouble in our marriage. Lack of communication, bitter feelings, and almost falling out of love. Also at the time I was into internet pornography. My W found out. For about a week we didn't really say much to each other. Then one night she asked me for a separation. I said that I would go to my mothers’ house to stay. To make a long story short we were separated for about 2 weeks. I moved back in and started talking once again to my W.
Over the next 9 years we had our ups and downs. Also once again I fell into the internet porn. And of course she found out once again. This time was different. We sought help with this addition of mine and this was wonderful. Over the occurrences of this pornography addition she forgave me. Jump 4 years later, (7 weeks ago) we were talking and it was then she told me of her affair 9 years ago. To say the least I was blown out of the water.
Also at the time of the affair we were having our bathroom remodeled by our next door neighbor. He was a contractor by trade. Over the course of the remodeling he had various helpers. One of these helpers was the OM.
Everything that I have found out about him was second hand after the fact. But the OM kept meeting my W on her walks. He kept asking her to go to a motel room. W kept refusing. When she finally said yes it was at this very low spot in our marriage. As we talked about the affair I found out that the next day after the affair, was when W asked for the separation.
She has said that it was a one night thing. That it meant nothing. These past 7 weeks have been pure hell. I have a hard time with my emotions; this has brought it to a boiling over effect on me. I have had sleepless nights, loss of appetite, thoughts of revenge (Having an affair myself), divorce, and other range of emotions.
I know that me being into pornography didn’t help the situation, nor was it the full cause of the affair. Because, ultimately, it was her choice to have the affair. One of the main reasons I have to post my story is that I want to stay with my W. I love her. I know that I need to forgive. It is the hardest thing that I ever had to do in my life.
Over the past weeks we have talked a lot. I get frustrated with her for I feel that she is closed emotionally toward me. I don’t know if it is because she feels guilty, or that she doesn’t feel guilty.. I am in counseling, and we are going to marriage counseling together on Saturday the 12th.
My personality is such that I hid my emotions behind humor, sarcasm, and closed off emotions. For me to actually ask for help I know is a huge step. However I need support. All I can get.
Any advice to help my heart heal would be very welcome. If anyone has any questions for me to help heal I will not hesitate to answer them truthfully.
Your son is so young! If you want to stay w/ your W, it will take awhile to work through the emotions you are having right now, but I warn you NOT to keep throwing it into your W's face, or SHE may end up deciding to leave.
I would say see if she will go to counseling w/ you. That would be the best case scenerio. Otherwise, just keep talking to your W, but don't "punish" her for her A. It was a long time ago. Not sure why she waited untl now to tell you, but if you REALLY want to stay married, you are going to have to work through this WITH your W.
Like I said, and I cannot stress enough, DO NOT punish your W or make her feel like she needs to *prove* anything to you right away or you may just push her away.
You need to tell her how hurt you are, but that you want to work through this and stay married.
Also, you need to look at yourself and see what changes you can make to make your M a better one. The internet porn in itself, in MY opinion, is kind of like cheating as well. She is not the only one *at fault* here.
Others can probably refer you to some books that could help you.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you for your comment, we are working through it. i have not, nor will i ever use the A as a weapon. however it has came close. the reason she has tols me is that we are realgious, and felt that her soul was in jepardy. she also felt that it was preventing us from continueing to get closer as H&W should be. there is just so much pain!!! hard to get through. just going day by day, just like a rollarcoaster.
It will be hard for her to see your pain. From what you say she feels guilty too. Take some comfort from the fact that your W has told you about this herself - it shows she has a measure of trust in you and I also think it shows a willingness to want to work on the M and improve it. All of those are positives.
I know it hurts really badly and there seem to be no excuses for what she did, but you can see why she was dissatisfied and unhappy in the M when this happened. Try and look to the future. Learn from this experience. Gradually you will move through the range of emotions you are having and settle down.
Just remember two wrongs don't make a right so don't go down the revenge route - it will only make things worse.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
i know what i did was almost as bad, however it still hurts. often i just sit and cry and hate seems to fill up th emptyness thats i feel then i have a bad couple of days. what do you think i should do.
I kept a journal which I poured my heart into and wrote in it all the bad, horrid feelings I was having. No-one else saw it and recently I destroyed it. It took me a long time to work myself through the emotional range but I managed it in the end because I knew that MY emotions could actually destroy everything.
Your W knows you are hurting. If everything else in your M is ok I would recommend trying to act 'as if'. Put a brave face on it and carry on. Be under no illusions - your W recognises she has dealt you a HUGE blow. She will be nervous inside as to how you are going to react.
There are several books out there on surviving infidelity. They have really good ideas on how to cope with it all. Unfortunately there is no way to bypass the emotions you are going through IMO, you need to work your way through them with as much control as possible. Come here and vent rather than letting off steam at your W. I know it hurts.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The emotions you are experiencing are very natural and healthy. Because it hurts it means you care, you trusted her, now that trust is broken.
First off, being a family of faith the first thing to watch for is the traps. Example feelings of revenge or to hurt back, because you were hurt. Two wrongs don't make a right. Next find and read all the material you can on Divorce Remedy, after the affair, how to regain and rebuild trust.
I think counseling is a wonderful idea, however I would caution if you are not ready to hear her grievences I might suggest just indvidual counseling.
You are right you are not to blame for the affair, it was a bad choice on her part. Just like looking at porn, which she obviously has a problem with was a bad choice on your part. Okay you are both human and make mistakes. The real issue becomes allow yourself and your W time to deal with each has done and how the other feels about it.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions you have, but don't get stuck.
Denial, why did this happen, this can't be happening
Anger, how can she does this to me
Bargaining, Here if I do this you do this, if I change this will you change this.
Depression, I have lost hope, my W. doesn't love me, respect me.
Acceptance, What happened, happened, we will move forward either together or apart, but all will be okay, God has a plan for me, for her, I must trust in his guidance and recogonize and choose the right path.
It helps tremendously if you can come to terms and depersonalize the affair. Your wife did not do it to you. Nor did she do it to hurt you, nor did she do it out of a lack of respect for you.
She did it because she has or had a lack of respect for herself. Probably the same reason you did your thing. It takes a while for that to sink in, but it will in time.
God bless you and your family.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
thank you for your posts. Saterday i went to the MC. i thought the women was a horrid evil women. i felt like she pointed at me for not forgiving by now. she has said that she gave you 9 years of being faithful to you. she said some other crap i didn't really listen to because i have been married for 14 years and she was supposto give me 14 years. so it relly isn't compforting at all.
I am not a swearing man however the adjatives flew after the session. she did however show me how to breath to help me through my rough spots. W thought that she was a good C. in the fiorst 5 M. i felt that i had a target on my chest and she had a gun. i was rubed the wrong way so many times i felt that my emotions had a bike crash and 80% of my body had road rash. however becasuse of some of the things she said i will go at least 1 more time just to see if it is the same.
sorry for the spelling i am so uptight that i can't think strait.
we also had a meeting with my religous leader, which was much better. by it is so much better when the spirt of christ is involved.
there is so much more i could say however i have been threw a very emotional day today. its amazing that crying wipes you out.
Would your W go and see another C with you? Sometimes seeing a 'bad' C can actually be damaging. Think seriously before you go back to the same person. How much research did you do into this C before you went and saw her?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
i know that if the same feelings that i felt happen again i will not put up with the crap that i felt that she was dishing out. if it does happen again i will just walk out of the session and wait for my wife. you are right i won't put up with it. i don't need that kind of garbage right now. i am going to see my other C today and will talk to her about it. i hope that she can calm me down or help me better that the other C.
i will start out with the MC and tell her what she did to me and how it made me feel. i mean she is in that line of work. she should know by how puzzled i looked. she made me feel that it was all my fault. i think she has had bad dealings with men in her past.
i know that is a rotten thing to say about someone, but it was bad.
thanks again for responding. the same thing always pops up in my mind when i think about the A, i know that i am a nice guy. why does thses things always happen to the nice guys.
