Rather than saying "giving up intel," I should have said "don't make any ulilateral disarmament concessions."
Your wife is in NO position to ask for anything from you. "Expect nothing; give nothing" should be your motto at this stage. If she says "you're talking to her, why can't I talk to him", simply say "Because I didn't have an affair with her. I will do what I have to do to protect myself, and our family, and ensure that no contact is taking place."
I hear you saying a lot of "I think this affair is going to end" or "has already ended," and that's great. But please understand that a lot of my concern about "going wobbly" on her at this point is so that you bullet-proof your marriage. Serial adultery is very commonplace, and your wife's current boyfriend is ALREADY a serial adulterer. Yes, your immediate goal is busting up THIS PARTICULAR affair, but the greater goal is to "affair-proof" your marriage. Your wife's stubborn refusal to work the no-contact/transparency plan is a huge red flag in that regard, and I think you will greatly regret the concessions you're making.
Remember, you can always -- at any point -- go back to her and tell her you've reconsidered, and changed your mind. Completely your prerogative, and I would encourage you to do so.
