I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Journaling,

Not much to report, except to say that I'm doing okay at this "rope dropping". I haven't gone dark, just dim (mainly b/c of D7). I can see that H is starting to pursue, and starting to get frustrated b/c I'm not reacting the way he's used to, but whereas before I would have responded to his pursuit immediately, with hope and optimism, now I'm just steering my course and being pleasant and detached. When he starts to steer a convo towards our R, I invite him to share his feelings, but nothing so far, and I simply drop it. There is little more to be done for now, until H is clear on what it is that he really wants & who knows how long that will take. I'm feeling surprisingly calm about the whole thing, and have no sense of urgency as I've had for the past year.

Fri I went out w/ girlfriends and had a really fun nite. H text me about 6 or 7 times (some of them clearly pursuing) & then later accused me of being w/ a guy when I called D to say good night, but I just let it go. There were guys around, but I wasn't interested in any of them (well one was interesting to talk to, but that's all). H said to me before that he was afraid someone would walk away w/ me while he was figuring things out - I'm sure that fear is alive and kicking.

But I spent the day w/ H & D on Sat, which started out awkward, but ended up being really fun. I'm shaping my behavior and reactions to fit what a friend would be like. No matter the outcome, that is the R that I would hope to be able to maintain w/ H. H is away again all week and this physical distance is helping me with the emotional distance. In the past I've been very easily drawn into the game b/c I've wanted to save my M for so long. But now, all I want is some consistency, balance and peace in my life. The rest of it can wait.

FA