For the guys with kids and a WAW

[hopeful4her]

Well church wasn't as emotional today as in the past few Sundays. Our D6 refused to go to childrens church and clung to me when it was time to go to their class, so she stayed with WW and I while D11 went to her class. At greeting time, I reached out my hand to WW and she shook my hand and gave me a look. I gave in and went in to hug her. She gave a half hug back, but I didn't really expect much more today. But it was something. I thought to myself afterward that I shouldn't have done it, but it was too late. Sermon was about the future. About not giving up on things when things don't look good. Pastor gave an emotional sermon. Whether it was at work, finances or marriage. I could see WW nodding in agreement to some of the things pastor was saying. Today, we didn't go to altar I guess because we had the little one, so I just knelt where I was standing and prayed and let the tears flow a little. At the end, I could see that she had also cried a little. After church, we all went to return my roller blades and our girls and I were still being very playful with each other playing chase and other things without including WW. At Academy, WW wanted to see if the hammocks were on sale as our old one is a gonner. I thought that was kind of strange. We looked at swings (the kind you put on a porch) and fire pits. Just looked, but not really the kind of things to be considering to purchase if you are planning on leaving, I thought to myself. We bought the girls a new soccer ball and some other things. WW asked me what I thought about a couple of things at the store. Another seemingly normal day of family time. Went and bought some sweet bread from a local bakery and there she asked me what I thought about the oatmeal cookies. Again, she was engaging me. Afterwards, off to the grocery store. On the way, listening to Radio Disney, that song by Fergie comes on. I think the name is Big Girls Don't Cry. I hate the words to that song. At the store, she askes me if I want kabobs, and I say sure. At the chip isle, she asks me I she should get the hot cheetohs or the hot fritos. I tell her to get whatever and turn away. She ends up gettin the fritos. Those are what I like. Odd. As we leave, we end up looking at patio furniture and she says she want to check Wallmart for new pads for our outdoor furniture. At home, she prepares the meat, I cook outside and we have a normal evening watching a movie with our girls. S14 comes home after girls bed time. They decide to watch a movie and WW comes in to room I am in to ask if I want to watch with them. Movie called Silk. Definate chick flick. Son leaves after 45 minutes and goes to his room. WW and I are left watching and she falls asleep about 45 minutes till the end. Thats normal for her. Movie about a man who marries the love of his life. Travels to Japan on business and meets a concubine and falls in love. Travels back home, can't forget the Japanese woman, travels back to Japan to have her and then travels back home, but guilty. He has to go back to Japan again, can't find her, comes back and wife gets ill and dies. In the end, he realizes that the wife was truly the love of his life, but too late. Too bad WW didn't finish watching.
My point to this journal tonight is again, a seemingly normal day for us. I have been trying to be a shade of dark, but I do engage her when she engages me. I know that I shouldn't be, but it is really hard to do. I have to remember that if she is still in a relationship with OM, we are not to be friends. I have told myself that I will not snoop her phone or anything else to see if they are still talking. Just getting along with my life for me and my kids. I do act as if I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm trying to be pretty non-chalant about things she says to me, but damn, she makes it hard. Maybe after our last blow up on Friday, she is thinking about what she will be possibly losing, I have thought that many times before. I need to go and find some of Puppy Dog Tails Truth Darts. I want to start using those, too.
I live in a weird world. I think WW does also. Confused, confused, confused.