Well, W and I have exchanged texts about D's birthday party invite list. W's first text said D wanted to invite three of W's female friends and OM, but W referred to OM by the incorrect name like D does.
I replied asking for clarification and said I would appreciate it if OM was not at the party. W responded by telling me that "we all know" that OM is who D is talking about and W swears she's tried to correct her several times. W then blamed me for D doing this b/c I have nicknames for a few of my friends. I replied by restating I'd apprecate it if OM was not at the party.
W then said it was D's party and she could invite whomever she wished. She also claimed D told W that I wasn't invited by "mommy" so I wouldn't be at the party. I replied and said I'd always said I'd be there and I'd appreciate her being considerate and not inviting OM.
W's reponse said I'm calling D a liar and she stated that D was afraid to tell me anything b/c I'd get mad at her. She also accused me of teaching D to lie instead of being honest.
I replied saying she was 4 and confused and the parenting evaluator had spoken to us about this. W asked "about what" and I said how we shouldn't take stock into what D is saying as it is not lying but rather normal behavior for a child her age in her situation.
W didn't respond to this text, but she did make a comment again that D can invite anyone she wants to the party. She stated that OM doesn't have to come, but D can put him on the guest list if she wants to. I responded by saying I'd never said he couldn't be invited, but I'm asking that he not attend to be considerate. W hasn't responded to this one either.
Did I tell her too much? Should I not have balked at OM coming? I know the books say to not discuss it, but don't they also say I need to stand up for myself as well? I've been careful to keep my responses to W very short and on subject. If she wants to try and escalate this into an argument, I'm done.
I've addressed my concern and I'm done. However, I would like to hear what you think about this exchange. I think I did ok, but I'm not sure if I should have mentioned OM being there at all. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to see him and W together, especially at my D's birthday party.
Oh, well. I'll keep you posted if more comes in and I'll appreciate your comments as always.
You know this wasn't a problem before. I wonder if it is because you are actually trying to control her now that you can't control me.
My reply: "Tell D I'll call her at 7:30.
W is off the reservation, folks! I'm printing out all the texts right now. Next I'll have to sort through them to determine what to send on to the parenting evaluator and then it is on to printing off and going through the mountains of e-mails. Yippee!!
Oh, well. D is worth the effort. Why can't W see what harm she's doing to her daughter?
RTL You and W are still legally married, it is totally inappropriate for W to have OM there. It is wrong that D even knows him. I think you are within your rights and being reasonable to say OM should not be there. Your D is taking this all in, what does your W think she is teaching D about long term relationships? I wonder what the parent evaluator would think of W for even involving D in that relationship. After the D is final ok, D will see that your her Mom's life will go on, but right now she is making a mockery of marriage. When D is a teenager , her self esteem and self respect will be compromised if your W continues on this path. W should be concerned with teaching D that if a marriage ends, you walk away with dignity and honor your promises, then go on with your life. I can't imagine anyone thinking it is ok for a 4year old to say she wants both Mom's boyfriend and her father at a party. Who is the adult here? To your D the Om is just someone who probably buys her things and is friends with her MOm. Puleeeze!!!!!
I agree and I hope the parenting evaluator will also see this as harmful to D. However, I'm not sure the court system cares about affairs and boyfriends, which is sad. I'm printing out all the texts on this and will submit them to the parenting evaluator. I just don't know what to think here. Why does my W feel it is necessary to mess w/ D's head as well as pour salt in my wounds. I know she's w/ OM already. I know they sleep together. I don't need it on display for me.
W has been texting me some more calling me a pathological liar and saying I lied to her when I reported the landscaper came over w/out my knowledge and worked on the yard. The guy was working on our yard while we were home on Saturday and he came on his own. When I discovered him, the yard was done. Then on Monday, I came home and the back was done as well. Now W is balking at paying for 1/2 of the cost b/c she says I didn't get an estimate from him while he was in the front yard on Saturday.
Whatever. At this point I don't care and I'll pay him the $300 myself. She is being such a pain and I'm close to letting it get to me. I explained my situation to her about the landscaper, but I'm done and I won't escalate it any further. She can choose to twist things in any way she wants. I'm going to be sure to give everything to the parenting evaluator however, as he told me point blank NOT to use D as an information source during this process. It is very clear that W is using D as an information source, so I hope he won't be too happy with that.
Also, I called at 7:30 to talk w/ D, but W didn't pick up the phone. D later sent me a cute, non-sensical text and I replied to it and also told her she could call me. W replied saying "I asked her if she wanted to call you and she said she wasn't interested." So that is now two nights in a row that I won't get to talk to D. I always make sure D calls and at least tells W goodnight when she is with me. Why can't W do the same? Doesn't she see that she's using D as a tool?
I'm frustrated with all of this. I am tired of the spitefulness and the angry words. I just need this custody thing to come to a resolution and soon so I don't lose my mind!
I know saying your W is wrong and you are right doesn't help much because her actions still hurt. You need to find a way not to allow her to hurt you anymore. The stuff about the landscaper is crap, she left her home, left you to deal with it and you are doing it the best you can. If W doesn't like it , let her deal with maintaining the house. For what it is worth, I think W is acting like this because she can. She knows you want the M back so she feels she has the upper hand.she also has moved on to an OM , who is now her priority, anything she has to do with you or the house is a pain to her. It is sad she she is not making sure D talks to you,. She is not being fair. You are right , the sooner the custody is settled and you have a court order the better. Obviously , your W is not capable of coparenting , so a court order will make it easier for you to see your D. Have strength and build a protective emotional wall around yourself.
I have to print out my e-mails for the parenting evaluator and as I'm going back through them I realize that I put far too much pressure on my W and she just snapped.
I wish I could have found the DB books early on in August instead of in January because I'm beginning to see where I pressured her and may have drove her away for good.
I also pinpointed the baginning of her affair w/ OM as beginning on Nov. 7 - that was the day he took her into his office and kissed her when she was distraught and crying. We had an argument about her not being in counseling that weekend prior and looking at everything, we were on fast-forward going down hill from there.
I'm different now, but my W doesn't care to see it or know it at all. I guess I have a regret that I didn't discover the DR book earlier. It may have kept us from being here now.
I have another appointment w/ a DB coach in the morning, so I'll ask her her advice on where to go from here. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but the way W treats me makes it very tough to have any hope for us at all.
Hi RTL - I cant add anything to what Bizarre has already said. I only hope this court order comes soon. Even after the court order is in place, I think your W is going to be really difficult to coparent with. Hopefully, you will have primary custody as that really is in the best interest of your D4.
You are right... I need to continue to work on not letting W hurt me. I'm hoping my DB coach can help me act "as if" more and more. I talk w/ the coach tomorrow, so I'm really hoping for some help b/c W does still get to me. I can't understand why she has to be so mean. Well, I understand, but what happened to the decency of the person I knew?
I know I'm not supposed to believe anything I hear and only 50% of what I read, but I'm just not sure my W will be coming out of this one. I'll continue to keep the slim hope alive for as long as I can, but I'm struggling to stay positive here.
I'm also concerned w/ her co-parenting abilities as she is showing ZERO interest in sharing and is acting like a spoiled child. If the evaluator does what I'm hoping for in granting 50/50 custody and joint legal custody, then I'm afraid W will blow a gasket and who knows what will happen then.
I'm off to bed now as I have to get up earlier so I can take the call in the morning w/ the DB coach. I'll keep you all updated as usual and thanks for your support. I need it now as this afternoon's been rough.
