I finally got my S's on Friday, and have had a pretty good weekend with them. I took them to another dinner party last evening, with my DivorceCare friends and their children. We all had a good time, and another long and interesting discussion. There were several interesting questions and lines of thought.
W called as expected, if a little late more often than not, both in the mornings and the evenings. But I noted she's calling using her work mobile phone. That usually means she's calling away from house. And I have very little doubt that her real reason for being out is not for work related reasons, especially at 8:30 at night.
After the party, around 9:45 PM, I drove us by the house -- just to prove what I already knew. And yet she still pretends to be pure. What a shameless harlot.
Oh, the question of the night at the dinner party was, "If you were guaranteed to have your kids no matter what, and knowing then what you do now about them, would you still marry or get involved with your current spouse?"
Most of us said they would. Me, I said I didn't know--I would have to think on it. I have continued to do so. And after some weighing of the pro's and con's, I now believe that my answer would be "No".
I would certainly have dated W, but knowing what I know now, and without the children as part of the equation just for argument's sake, I would have dated W, but I don't think I would have asked her to marry me. Surprisingly to myself, I now feel that I would not repeat the mistake of marrying W.
Don't get me wrong. I do still love my W and I cherish the good times I've enjoyed with her, but were it not for my two S's, I would not have married her knowing she was capable of what she has done. She has changed my life in ways that I cannot begin to measure, but I now have to face the fact that W has held me back from life these last ten or so years. I have been in orbit around her much too closely -- I have been tidally-locked to her, to the detriment of my soul in the long run.
I have had to face the sad fact that my W is truly lost. I feel that divorce, infidelity and hedonism are a spiritual cancer that has claimed my spouse's soul. It has been difficult for me to admit, but her heart is just as black as can be now. I cannot trust her. I am even beginning to doubt her ability to act as the mother of my children when she places her own self, her own desires ahead of her family.
I hate that I am feeling this way. I want to be wrong. I want desperately for her to somehow prove me wrong. But I can no longer waste my time and energy waiting for that, even if it ever can be.
I may feel differently tomorrow, or next week. But I don't think so -- I am ready to turn the page.
