Changing myself for myself

[Firekeeper]

i posted briefly on "piecing forum" and i am coming back here. there is no piecing in sight at this point.

i have not spoken with h for 5 days or so. he is away and he is coming back at the end of the mo. he called yesterday night. i was too tired and i didn't pickup. he didn't leave a message and he didn't call back today.

In our last conversation he said that he still calls ow. she tells him that it is not working out with her previous boyfriend (sexually, etc.). it kinda did it for me. he has not changed. he doesn't want to be with me, altho he would say that he still have the feelings for me. but then he would usually say that he doesn't see a future for us. he firmly believes that he needs to live for sometime w/ow before he can decide that their r will not work. and she decided to dump him and go back to her bf of 5 y with which she has been engaged before she got involved with h. so he thinks that it was a mistake that she went back and, i guess, he is waiting for her.

i am at a point that i do not want to hear him. do not want to answer his questions. when he calls he wants to have a lighthearted conversation about this that, kids, etc. as if we are friends. i am tired of it. i am not his friend. i do not want to have a friend who can betray.

me, h - 40+
m-20+
s, d, ss - 20+
s, ow, pa - 04.2007
h back and forth beginning 2008

[forward]

Time to go dark, FK. It will help you be calm and be able to handle whatever comes up.

Welcome to the Springish 2007 Bomb club, by the way. Many of us are in that boat.

[Firekeeper]

i am dark.

i spoke with him couple times on the phone last week - i was cutting conversations as short as possible and keeping them about things that needed to be solved - finances, etc.. he wanted to meet. when i asked him if there were any urgent issues or anything that can't be discuss by email he said "no". i told him that i do not want be anyone's second choice. ( actually i wish i read what imLIN wrote before i spoke w/h :"I am done playing your foolish game...actually each time you yank me around it makes me a little more done then before...I told you that until you know WHO you want to be with I don't want to talk to you...if you choose OW then I will be the mother of your children and that it IT!...If you choose me well then YOU have some work to do to win me back but if OW pops up just once....that is the last nail in the casket...now if you don't mind I would like you to respect my privacy and leave me alone to heal." - it is exactly what i wanted to relate to him). he said i am not a second choice and that he is not involved w/ow now. (well, he said the week before that he was still talking to her). i didn't even bother to comment on that, i said that he wanted to have some time for himself and i do not want to interfere with his decision.

i have not heard from him since monday.

[Firekeeper]

my h is coming from his trip in couple weeks. i am already is anxious and dreading that time when he will be close, in the same household.

actually, i do not know even the date when he comes back, because he changed it but haven't tell me the new date. i think kids know it but i do not feel comfortable to ask them, it will put them in the middle.

and we have to decide about selling the house. i want to move to another state. kids are not coming back - they have their own lives so it would make sense to sell the house. i know he will insist on me taking care of the selling process as well. i will hate it.

[Firekeeper]

he called yesterday night. i was already asleep. told me that he is not coming this mon but next sunday. asked if there were any changes in my sit he needs to know about. i said - no. i asked him if there were any changes on his end. he said no. he started to say that he is very tired... - i didn't engaged, i wished him good day and said good bye.

the biggest reason i am not engaging is that i do not feel good about myself. it's been a year and i do not see changes in myself that i would want.

i still work at a job that i do not enjoy, that i do not feel successful at and that do not provide enough financial stability. my attempts to change it were not successful.

i still can't manage my house and papers

i still feel inferior to my h's achievements in business and finances

i still can't value me for me

[brandnewday]

Honey you have to be patient with yourself.
Change does not happen overnight.

You will get there in due time, one step at a time.

I remember when my Husband left, and I suddenly became a single uneducated, unemployed Mom overnight.

It was the scariest "season" of my life.

Honestly, it really does get better, and it is much better to be a Woman of integrity and high morals then to have a fancy schmancy piece of paper saying you went to a College or have a high paying job.

Having good character outweighs the other crap.

Keep persevering and you will attain your goals.

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Firekeeper]

thank you BND for your kind words)

i want to have it all - to be a woman of integrity and to have a high paying job. money for me is one the ways to practice integrity - to be ready to help financially my kids or my parents. now i am in no position to do it.

BND, your hugs were heartwarming))))))))))))

[brandnewday]

You can have it all....

You just have to be patient!!

[Purr]

Hi Firecracker,

I can relate to many of the things you share in your post, and I am sorry to hear of how much this is hurting for you. I understand how sad and confusing this whole thing is. But in the midst of all this awful stuff, you sound strong--it takes strength to recognize some of these issues and to be taking steps to figure out what is going to help you get through this. First, it's just survival mode, then you get to living. Maybe we move back and forth between those two as things unfold. I'm still in "survival mode" so I can't speak to the next part really. But BND has loads of experience and you know yourself in this also. Keep posting here as a lifeline and take it very slow, hour by hour if you need to.

Purr

[Firekeeper]

Purr,
thank you for your encouraging words

the way you call me - firecracker - brought laughter to my heart) yes, i do have also a "firecracker" personality in me too, not only a "firekeeper"

the hurt goes on. however, it's been a year and, actually, comparing to the last year it hurts not as raw as it was then. i think i am able to detached for some periods of time. not having h around helps. i am weary about next sunday when h will come home from his travel.

i usually become hypervigilant and anxious and depressed. i have difficulty sleeping - because i can hear him walking or coughing or snoring and wake up constantly through the nigh. he comes all messed up not only from his regular mlc but also from being exhausted from work and travel and time change. then every time i see him - it opens a wound again. etc., etc., etc.....

as i write it i realize with more clarity that i need a game plan. at least for the situations that i can predict, to minimize the damage that interactions with him usually cause.