So, I have decided to review the past 2+ years in terms of the other men that have come and gone. I am doing this in an attempt to see where I went wrong, what mistakes I repeated, and also to try to analyze myself so that I can begin to make wiser choices. I also hope that if others are going through this, they will see that they are not alone.

Nic, you may be right about the frogs theory...I'm beginning to wonder.

Chain chain chain...

#1 Brazilian Boy: The only one in the chain who I did not meet on-line. He was a friend for many months and we had one lovely weekend of romance about 7 months after H left me. It was a beautiful thing and a total gift to me. He went back to Brazil and we remain friends to this day. Absolutely no regrets and he was a quality individual.

#2 Geeky ex of H's lawyer! First eharmony date at a coffee shop. He brought his 5 month old son along who barely stopped wailing the entire time. As he told me about the mother of the child, I deduced that she was my ex's lawyer--OY Vey!! Of all the gin joints...! No second date. I did hear from him again about a year later when he wrote to congratulate me on a local article he read about me.

#3 Engineer who went with me to a fantabulous summer party. 2nd eharmony date. We had a great time, there was some chemistry but he ended up breaking up with me a couple days later claiming "we were in different places with regard to our divorces/past relationships." It kind of hurt as I would have gone on a second date, but I bounced back quickly.

#4 Geeky dude who came to visit me and took me to dinner. He was nice (had the same name as my ex though) but had low self esteem which he couldn't hide and which was too distracting for me to get beyond. I ended up telling him that I didn't think we were a good match. NO second date.

#5 Flaky artist. VERY handsome, creative, groovy. Musician and artist. Extrovert. Married twice, no kids. I went to Chicago to meet him. We had a fun time in the city--went to the museum and lunch at The Russian Tea Room. We hit it off. We have kept in touch but he flaked on a visit here and it made me step back significantly from my attraction to him. I did see him when I was just in Chicago and we went to a movie together but neither of us "felt" anything and decided to just be friends (dang he's good looking though!).

#6 Car salesman. Knew as soon as I met him he was not for me but we had dinner anyway. I wrote him the following day to thank him and tell him I didn't think we were a good match. NO second date.

#7 Local guy I met on Match.com. I initiated contact. We had many things in common and he loved swimming. We went on several dates over a period of about a month. There were a lot of things that irritated me about him off the bat (kinda gross man stuff) plus I think he was still huring over ex wife. Then he laid the "hmmm...four kids, not really what I was bargaining for" and "I've been chatting with a married woman" bombs on me and I stopped contacting him--yuchy. He has sort of reached out a few times but my feelings for him were neutralized pretty fast after that and I have NO interest.

#8 Karate man: another eharmony guy that I initiated contact with. Married four times, 2 kids each with a different mother. I could tell he wasn't super smart, but he seemed smart enough. I liked that he was uber tall and had this ass kicker background--a heavy weight champ for many years. He also seemed sweet and I was attracted to him physically. We had two dates. There was definate chemistry but not much depth of emotion. He became sick (he has a serious illness) and after recent emails we have both deided it is best to step back and "just be friends."

#9 Craftsman: Eharmony again. He initiated conatct. Said his name was different from the one on his profile for "annonymity". But I found him to be intelligent and interesting. Never married, no kids. Scuba diver, pilot and a craftsman (cabinetmaker). He made a five hour drive to meet me when I was in Chicago. Barbiedoll met him and she thought he was very attractive. He was interesting and we were hitting it off until, at dinner, he revealed that he still lives with his ex (???) girlfriend of 12 years. I told him that was a deal breaker for me and told him why and he was disappointed. He continues to email me and tell me I am extraordinary, special, etc.

#10 Computer guy/musician: Went for a lunch date yesterday that has been planned for a while. Yet another eharmony person. He is nice but he sweated during lunch and it was freezing cold out. No sparks really but he asked if he could see me again. We'll see.

So...10 dates in 2 years. None of them have led anywhere, none of them were even close to my ideal man, but they have all taught me about myself and what I do and do NOT want.

I think I need a break from all of this. I want to meet someone and be friends with them and let things develop naturally. The whole on-line dating thing seems unnatural and forced. Expectations run high. I do have very high standards and am looking for someone really special so I don't know why I bother with all the "frogs." Part of my problem I think is that I am too polite and when I get asked on a date I go because I figure I'll give the guy a chance. But I almost always know in advance where things will lead and that is NOWHERE because they just aren't for me.

I have learned that I am attractive to men and that is something I doubted after I got dumped by my husband. Perhaps a lot of those dates were simply about being validated. So, now that I know this, I think I am ready to wait it out until the right guy comes along. He will have to be pretty special because I can't see giving up my freedom for something mediocre.

Anyway, thanks for letting me think out loud here...it's all part of the process (which is always changing and evolving--and sometimes devolving!).

Love to all us brave souls,
Althea