Standing Silently

[Holly06]

Hi Bru,
It is so good to hear from you.
I had a really really tough day yesterday.
I am having problems with being alone. Not as bad as 2 years ago, but it REALLY REALLY HURTS.

I saw D27 and SIL 27 today for brunch. She doesn't want to see me wait around anymore. Tough to hear. I teared up a little and said I am sorry, but she said that I have nothing to be sorry for.
I know this is true, but it hurts so much.
I need to stop sleeping so much. I look forward to sleep.
I know this is depression, and I can get through this. I am seeing a counselor, and I do have support. I HATE to see me this way.
I was so GOOD Thursday and Friday.

I have not done anything productive, and need to get going here.

Part of me says, give it time, part of me says, plan for without.

I would tell me they are the same thing. It doesn't feel the same.
I read over my initial goals last night, that I set with my DB coach 2 years ago.
I have met each one.
They catch is, he ran away again.
I want statistics, I want promises. I want to KNOW the future.
I want guarantees .

There are none. So I take baby steps to get through each day.
I feel like I am wasting my life sometimes.
But then reason kicks in.
If TJ and I were actively reconciling again, I would be glad to give it time.
His bailing again is progress? He had to go through this stage.
Peace and be still.


I just hate how needy I feel.


Well, sorry for the downer, but I thought it was fair that I share how tough this is. I am doing well considering, but up and down is more like it.

I will be up again.

Maybe I should get my pole warmed up. and take a few swings.