Patience is key

[stella_k]

Addie,

I for one don't think it was a backslide. Setting boundaries is important, you should listen to WAS and validate their feelings but you should not let them drug you into their abysmal misery of not knowing how they feel and what they want. It would also confuse your S very much. It would be different if H never moved out, but coming back home after S should have some other reason. You need to protect yourself and your S.

Just my 2 cents.

I hope someone else will comment soon! I'm not really qualified to give advice in such matters, you should ask Brandnewday's or Yellowrose's opinion.

[addie]

Stella, I really do feel the same way. It would be different if we had not separated.

I got an interesting call from H last night at 3 a.m. I couldn't tell whether he'd been drinking or whether he was just tired because it was so late.
He said he misses the companionship, our talks and that coming back for S11 IS a good enough reason. He had mentioned this yesterday and I said with all that's happened in the last 3 months, I would not agree to him returning for S. I pointed out he's still very confused and really needs to look at the causes of his constant unhappiness and that I no longer want to be dragged into that confusion. I said our sitch is not typical at all because we will definitely be living in different cities after the next 2 months and I have to protect S and myself from getting our hopes up. I mentioned that none of what I've said comes from anger or vengence and he said he believes that.
Then he asked me what it would take to have me move with him (if he gets a job in another city). I said I would have to think about it but I know that firstly certain issues would have to be addressed.
I know that we're not ready to move together to another city - it would be extremely stressful at this point.
He's coming by again this afternoon and we're going to do some cooking like last weekend.

[stella_k]

Then he asked me what it would take to have me move with him (if he gets a job in another city).

Addie, I like that part! It sounds really good :). You are doing such a great job! I hope you have a nice time together today.

[Kalni]

Addie,

your discussion sounded as if he is trying to figure out a way to "fix" things and needs you to tell him how. Stay firm to what you want and see if he means it. But also, be careful not to make him feel rejected. It's a balancing act, I know, but you've got to do it.

K

[JenInVen]

HI everyone

Addie, I think that your sitch is getting better. It seems more confusing but more positive. I especially like that you set some boundaries. Now you just have to wait and see what H does.

I'll try and check in later.

Jen

[addie]

Jen so good to hear from you again. Stella, Kalni thanks for your input.
H came over yesterday and was very frustrated that he can't find a temporary place to live (I do know it's very difficult to find rental accommodations in this city as the vacancy rate is just about 0%). I told him it would be easier for him to stay in the place he's in now until he finds out for certain about a job. He said the 2 young guys that are living there are driving him crazy. The one guy that was there when H moved in was fine but these new roommates use his stuff, are loud, etc. I said I'm sorry about that but you made certain choices (I should have left the last comment out). He said he knows it's his own fault he's in this sitch. He also feels that we can talk about our R constructively now, that we weren't able to do that in January. (Duh!!! I wonder if that's because he was heavily into an EA then and was in a fog???)
We did our cooking together - made a few dishes. He thanked me for all the work and I also thanked him in return. We all had dinner together and went for a walk to the lake. As the day went on he became more distant. On our way back from the walk he said S and I should go on ahead that he'd be another few minutes.
He ended up staying here until 11:30 pm although I went to bed a couple of hours before that as I was feeling tired.
I received an email from him just after he arrived at his place late last night thanking me for the dishes we made. Then this morning he calls, thanks me again and asks us what we're doing today. He said he wouldn't be able to go to church with us as he's checking out a place to live. I also told him S and I would be going to the driving range in the afternoon and he said he might meet us there. A couple of hours later he leaves a message on my cell saying he wouldn't be going to the driving range because he's looking at another place. Shortly after that he calls back again saying he'd meet us there and he did.
I do believe he's slowly making his way back to the M. However, I can't allow him to move back in until he at least tells me that he'd like us to look at addressing some of the issues and until I know OW is out of the picture.

[Kalni]

addie,

keep your expectations low at this point. Be very careful cause you have done so much work detaching and keeping in control I'd hate to see you dragged into confusion again. I know it needs great strength to actually NOT take a step towards him and let him come to you, but in the long run it will be for your family's good.

Love
K

[stella_k]

He said the 2 young guys that are living there are driving him crazy. The one guy that was there when H moved in was fine but these new roommates use his stuff, are loud, etc. I said I'm sorry about that but you made certain choices

Great, Addie! Let him taste the consequences of not having his home. I see so many positives there, it's so exciting! Just remain calm, upbeat and be prepared to survive setbacks. Your sitch reminds me very much of Yellowrose and her rollercoaster. Hold on, it goes well :)!

[addie]

Kalni and Stella, I really appreciate your support.

It's so very confusing! H calls at 8 p.m. and asks if there are any leftovers if he can come by. I said he could.

After S went to bed I was watching a TV show and H goes off into our bedroom. When the show was over I went into our bedroom and he's lying in bed under the covers. He was asleep. I tapped him and told him he should go because it was getting late and he said ok but didn't budge. I got ready for bed and stalled for a while. Then I decided to just go to bed without saying a word. He got up a while later and left without saying anything. WTF???

I think he is wanting to come back but is unable to address the issues. I know my H. He would be all too content to sweep everything under the rug and never address anything but would continue to remain unhappy.

[Kalni]

...and you would have to face the consequences sooner or later, you know that.

I like you sticking to your guns (Woog taught me this phrase!)!!

K