Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[JennyF]

Well, H has been slowing getting his things packed up and leaving a pile in the garage to pick up on moving day (April 25th). I'm a bit sad about it...but not as much as I thought I'd be.

Some amazing things are happening to me now that I've come to this place of acceptance. People are coming to me that are helping me along my journey, but it's happening in such a way that I feel as if they are angels. I know it sounds hoaky...but it's kind of weird the way it's happening. The mediator who I was connected to from a friend has been calling me to support me help me through my decision making. A real estate agent from a friend has been an immense help with advice and has offered me a discount on her commission. And here is the best one....remember a few months ago I wanted to take yoga but didn't have the $$. Well on Friday I went to a mom and baby yoga class. It was just me and my best friend in the class. The instructor (who also owns the studio) is a wonderful woman. Over the course of the class she came to know of my sitch. After the class we chatted for a while and she asked if money was a problem when it came to yoga. I told her that it was and that I wouldn't be able to do it regularly like I'd hoped.
So she told me how much I needed it at this point in my life, spiritually and physically. So she said maybe we can work out some kind of 'trade'.
I told her about my cookies and my background in women's apparel buying/merchandising. Turns out she wants to expand the retail portion of her studio and is really excited about my expertise!! So she wants to give me FREE yoga/pilates classes in exchange!! She also needs some help with reception and might be able to pay me on top of the free classes.
It just feels like things are coming to together. Don't get me wrong...all the other sucky stuff is still there. Custody, finances, lawyers, H moving with OW. But it seems that as soon as I switched my negative energy off of these things and focused them on me....it's turning around. I can't believe all that energy I was wasting on negativity!!
For anyone who is feeling lost and like they just can't accept things...I think I'm turning into the living proof that GAL and focusing on yourself is the key. Perhaps not to saving your M, but to saving yourself.
Funny thing is, that I know what I'm doing is also what is giving my M the best chance to be saved. But I no longer believe that it is the only option...in fact it may not even be the better option.

My poor D is sick with the flu this weekend. H came and took S yesterday so I could focus on her. That was good.
Since we came to some agreements on custody (albeit temporary), he is back to finding that place of friendly talk. He was chatting with me about his sisters and stuff. I really think that in a few months he is going to start to wonder WTF he's doing. Whether he does or doesn't, I'm on my way to happiness.
J~

[JennyF]

I think I have a problem. Little miss optimism got a little too big for her britches!!

Money is an issue between H and I. He is paying me enough money to pay the mortgage & day care. I pay the rest on my little maternity pay. There is enough to cover it all plus have a few hundred on top for misc things....clothes for the kids, any extras or entertainment, D's gymnastics, all that stuff.

There is always a month in the year where it is a 5 week month so to speak. Those months always have had for us one extra week of bills. An extra mortgage pmt and an extra day care pmt.
I didn't realize that month was last month. The money has just always been there to cover it.
But now, I'm basically short by exactly that much. PLUS, we were in overdraft by 1300 when he decided to split up all the fincances.
I can account for every penny I've spent and I can also account for every penny he spent of that money. Dumba$$ uses his bank card for everything!
Anyway, so I'm now in overdraft by that total. And it's a lot.
So this should be as simple as H covering right?
Well I haven't told him yet, and he's going to freak. Because he doesn't have the money to cover it and he's going to make me feel like he's carrying me. He's going to imply again that I should go back to work. I shouldn't anticipate but I just know he doesn't have the money anyone so I'm quite scared about the whole thing.
If he doesn't react well, I think I'm going to get something formal drawn up by my lawyer with all the amounts and everything.
I've even kept my grocery receipts to show what I've spent $$ on.

The problem is that H doesn't get the logistics of it. He doesn't understand the concept of the 'extra' week. He's just giving me checks when he gets paid, based on his pay schedule.
NOT based on when those items are paid.

UUUGGH!
Just hung up the phone with him and he is really in denial about this. He is not accepting the reality of what he is doing.
UUUGHH!
J~

[blindsided1]

Breathe, breathe, Jenny. You are still little miss optimistic. This is a minor glitch that will work itself out someway or another. It's a pain in the a$$ to have to deal with H and also to be worried about the money, but I have faith that you will figure it out somehow.

[JennyF]

I'm feeling better now that I've had a moment to breathe. AAAAAHHHHH! That's better. Thanks blindsided.

I printed out the calendar with the last 3 months on one sheet. I wrote in and hilighted all of his cheques on the approprate dates and then all of the mortgage and day care pmts and hilighted them in a different colour.
When he comes tonight drop S off I'm just going to hand it to him and tell him to look at it when he gets home. That I'm not trying to take him for all he's worth, I'm just asking to do what he said he was going to do and that's pay the mortgage and the day care. See, the mortgage isn't just the debt of the home. Since we refinances so many times about 25% of the mortgage is actually acrued debt rolled in. He doesn't see it that way and thinks he's just paying for me to live here.
I'm really realizing just how inept H is when it comes to these things. Down right ignorant. He's always been that way and obviously by the debt it's gotten us into trouble before. But now I just want him as far away from my finances as possible. He's going to screw himself I can just see it and I don't want to be the one he blames for it. Although I can see that's already happening.

He doesn't have the $$ to pay it now so I'm going to tell him to go and get a line of credit for himself and pay it so it's not overdraft on the joint account. As soon as he does that I can get his name off that account.

We'll see how drop off goes. I just have remind myself to stay present and not let him get the better of me.
J~
Now I'm babbling...journaling I guess.

[girlfromipanema]

I happened upon your thread and feel like the biggest loser in the history of the world right now (because what I'm going through is nothing compared to what you've been experiencing). I've only read this current thread, but my mind is completely blown by your strength and courage. Your kids are so lucky to have a woman of your incredible fortitude as a role model. WOW.

I'm so sorry to learn of your recent financial troubles... maybe one of those angels will come to your rescue -- or maybe your H won't be such a putz?

I'll stay in touch if you don't mind.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

Hope all is well. I am going to be brief, but I did want to comment on your posts. You said that your best chance of saving your marriage was truly letting go and moving on. You got it. Did that about 2 months ago. Best thing ever. In the process of me pretending to myself to let go, I actually, honestly let go. I started feeling exactly the way you feel now. When H started to feel like I accepted our reality he started hanging around more and having more positive conversations. This has had a great impact on our parenting, but H has intiated ML 3x. I took him up on the offers of course Best part of all, I am really starting to wonder if staying married is the best thing. All I knew how to do was fight for my marriage. I have now learned how to do so much more. I still want my marriage to work, but I am strong enough to not take H back if he wants to come back without making serious changes. I am strong enough now to give it some real thought. I think I am even strong enough to say no if it is not the best thing for me. Get this-- it is not the blah, blah you tell yourself to make it through the day. It is actually starting to be true. Still hurts, but I am starting to come from under. Sounds like you are too.

[JennyF]

I went house hunting today with an agent.
I looked at some really crappy houses. I'm disgusted at what is available in my price range.
And I'm completely pissed because everything is such a step back from the house I live in. I love my house. We bought it before it was even built. And now I'm looking at houses in neighbourhoods that I shouldn't be. Makes me want to crack H over the head with a stiletto.
There is one promising thing...a house just went up for sale that is on the same street as my best friends. It's almost my price range and I think it could be perfect.
I'm hoping that fate has it in my favour that I can make it work. The financials won't be done for a couple weeks and I'm hoping it won't sell quickly. I think these things are better left to chance. I don't want to persue aggressively...if it doesn't work out it's not meant to be...but hopefully it will.
And if it doesn't sell quickly then maybe the price will come down!

OH! Today H called me to ask if I could bring the kids to him at his Mom's today. His transmission went in his truck! $2500 to replace!! On top of the overdraft issue! Poor ba$!@rd!
He was so pissed and as usualy acting like it was my fault. Like I took a stiletto to his transmission or something!

Anyway...I'm also excited because I think I've come up with a compromise on custody that will get us closer to what we both want. I really hope he goes for it because I know it's what's best for the kids.

That's it for me for now!
I'm tired.
J~

[blindsided1]

I love you Jenny. You are so funny and have great insight. Thanks for the post on my thread. It really helped. Take a look at my new Subject header. I'm working toward getting where you and Hope2wrkitout are. I NEED to get there and fast. Baby is coming. I'm 30 weeks and damn my left ankle and foot is swollen. I swear I look like I have elephantitis. AAAAhhh the joys of pregnancy. Be patient with the house. The perfect one will fall in your lap. Your H is a poor ba$!@rd, he was stupid enough to let you go.
Also, I did start reading the book again. I'm still in the beginning, but there are some pretty interesting things in there. I think it is going to be a great help.

[JennyF]

Thanks blindsided!
The first chapter is the most 'conceptual', it gets better as it goes on. Just remember, it's a book about you.

Sorry about the swollen feet, been there done that. Keep your feet up and drink lots of water.
I can't believe you're 30 weeks already. But then my S is about to turn 6 months old on Saturday so I know how time flies!!
J~

[W2G]

Jenny,

Good luck with the house search... I hope you find your dream home!! With all the positivity you emit everything is going to work out swimmingly for you!!!

W2G